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rmkpeace
12-13-2007, 09:17 AM
This is my first time posting I would really appreciate it if you guys would comment on my short stories. Thank you.


Dreams
By Ryan Makepeace

I

6:23 AM
The sun is about to rise from the east when Robert Simms’ eyes opened from a deep sleep. He was dreaming a pleasant dream; a dream that he wished would never go away. The dream started off sexual in connotation and ended with an orgasmic feeling. Robert fantasized about the girl next door every night it seemed. Too bad Robert was a shy man at the age of twenty-six and had not dared ask the voluptuous brunette out for dinner.
Robert Simms was a young looking twenty-six most people thought he was twenty-three. His glasses didn’t help the matter either nor did his shoulder length hair that was in style. Simms wasn’t the best looking guy around but he had seen worse. Most girls that considered him a friend said that his best feature were his eyes. His eyes were a cool blue that could seduce any girl if he would only try.
Robert got up from bed, stretched and went to the bathroom to do his daily routine of taking a piss then jumping into the shower. After his shower he would eat some breakfast and start off toward his job.
His apartment was small by most standards but he loved being cozy. He thought the size was just right. The apartment had one bedroom, one bathroom, a living room, and a small kitchen. He didn’t understand why people would want to pay boo-coo bucks for a huge apartment where only one person stayed. The monthly payments on his apartment was fantastic leaving him enough to use for food and other living expenses and still have some left over to put in his savings account (which now had accumulated close to $20,000). His ultimate dream was to buy a house that he could raise a family in. But that dream would have to wait after a long and weird nine hours that would change his life forever.

7:50 AM
Briiinnnggg.
“Hello,” Robert said holding the telephone to his ear.
“Yes, is this Robert Simms,” the voice asked from the other side of the line. To Robert it sounded feminine.
“Yes it is. How can help you?”
“Mr. Simms I suggest you don’t leave your house today,” the voice said with sternness.
“Excuse me.”
“If you want to live past today do not leave your house.”
Before Robert could ask another question the line went dead. A million questions ran through his mind: Who was that? Why did they call me? How did they know my name? He set the receiver down and picked up his keys to his car.
The whole time Robert was walking to his car, which was located in the garage underneath the apartment complex, he couldn’t get the sound of the voice out of his mind. He knew he had heard the voice before but he couldn’t place where. It was starting to irritate him at the same time frighten him because he wasn’t sure if he should believe it or not. I mean if you got a phone call like that would you believe it? Robert was having some doubts but he knew that he needed to go to work. So he got into his Toyota Prius and started the engine.

9.00 AM
Robert sits at his desk not quite concentrating on his work. His mind is still on that voice that had called him earlier that morning. He still had questions for the voice. The voice sounded like it came from the vocal cords of a woman. Robert was falling behind in his work but he didn’t care. He wanted to know why the person had called him and tried to scare him. Nothing bad had happened yet, but then again he had only been at work for a half hour.
“Robert,” Nancy Jennings said popping her head into his office. Robert faded back into his fantasy for a split second when he looked up and saw her long legs and the skirt that hugged her curving hips. The blouse she was wearing was the perfect fit; not to tight, not to loose. He could see the outline of her breasts perfectly; he started to get an erection. “Robert?”
“Yes Nancy,” her voice rousing him from his splendid dream.
“Litchmen wanted me to tell you that he wants that case done by today.”
“Yeah okay I will get on it and have it done.”
Nancy smiled and left the office all the while Robert looking her up and down. Nancy Jennings had started working at Litchmen & Felders a year ago just along the same time Robert started at the firm. She had a fiery personality that worked wonders in court. She had only lost a few cases, but then again no ones perfect. The losses had helped her is what she had said. They kept her level headed and wanting to get better and become the best lawyer that there ever was at Litchmen & Felders. Her dream was to open up a firm of her own with her name in bold letters at the top of a building.
Nancy Jennings was also the object of Robert’s affection. He had fallen in love with her from the second he saw her. She was magnificent in a dark blue dress that complimented her green eyes and light brown hair. Her jaw line was perfectly defined. Robert had never asked her out thinking two things 1) she must have a boyfriend or 2) why would she say yes to me. There were so many times that Robert could feel the courage raging inside of him only to have it run away seconds before he asked her the question.
Robert looked back down at the case that lay out before him and started to work. Thinking: One day, one day. I will ask her out. Man I want to know whose voice that was on the other line. And how exactly am I going to die today.

10:30 AM
Nancy Jennings had started to like Robert Simms around the time Robert had his third win in court. Nancy could see that Robert was a quiet man but in the court room he was a killer. He knew what he wanted and how he wanted it. He, too, had the ambition of starting his own firm. Nancy would always day dream and doodle on paper: Jennings & Simms or Simms & Jennings or have an ‘S’ and ‘J’ intertwining to make a cool design. She never asked him out because she figured Robert didn’t want a girlfriend; if he did then why didn’t he ever ask her out.
Nancy was in her office working on another case when Robert knocked on the door.
“Hey Nancy did you want this Reedermen case or did Bob want it,” Robert asked with a file the size of an encyclopedia under his arm.
“Bob wanted it,” Nancy said smiling a big smile at Robert hopefully getting his attention.
“Okay. Thanks,” Robert said smiling back then he left the room.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The sound of her office phone telling her that someone was on line one got her thinking again. She reached for the phone and picked it up, “Hello.”
“Listen to what I say and do not panic,” the voice said.
“Who is this,” Nancy said looking out of her office thinking someone was playing a prank on her.
“There is no time for introductions. Just listen. I want you to get Robert home and to keep him there. He is in grave danger if he stays outside any longer. Do you understand me?”
“What!? How am I going to get Robert to go home,” Nancy asked perplexed and a little frightened because the sound of the voice sounded genuinely concerned for Robert’s safety.
“I don’t know that’s up to you. I can’t talk any longer. Please do this for me before something happens to him.”
Before Nancy could respond the line went dead. She listened to the dial tone for a couple seconds before she set the receiver down. She got up from her desk slowly and walked to her doorway looked out past where the main lobby was and saw no one on any of the phones. She thought the voice sounded like a woman’s voice. Maybe it was Claire Nancy knew that she had a crush on Robert. Maybe she was playing a cruel joke on her. She paused for a second then turned to go down the hall to Claire’s office to see what she was up to.

12:00 PM
Robert was in the cafeteria eating his cheeseburger when Nancy rushed to the seat in front of him.
“You in a rush Nancy,” he asked with a grin on his face.
“Robert I got a strange call after you left my office this morning.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah it was some lady, or at least I think it was a lady, saying that I needed to take you home because you were in danger.”
Robert flashed a brilliant red after hearing this. He couldn’t help but think a perverted thought when she said she had to take him home. Nancy seeing this smiled and added, “I really do believe this voice.”
Robert was about to say something before something clicked on in his mind. I really do believe this voice. Voice. Can it be? “Someone must be playing a joke on you that’s all.”
“Why did you hesitate before saying what you said,” Nancy asked.
Robert thought about it then decided it wasn’t a coincidence that the voice called both of them. “Well this morning the same voice called me and said the same thing to me but come on. Nothing has happened to me yet and nothing will.”
“How do you know Robert? What if this voice is the one that will be doing something to you,” Nancy asked letting in a little too much nervousness.
“Don’t worry nothing is going to happen. Anyway why do you care it’s not like you were threatened,” Robert said then immediately regretted saying it because it sounded so rude, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it that way. I was just wondering why you care that’s all.”
“Because Robert, you and I work together and I…care about you,” Nancy said with a small tint of red coming upon her face. She had never told anybody what her feelings were toward them.
Robert was floored. His heart was beating a hundred miles per hour. He couldn’t believe that she had feelings for him. He just wanted to reach over the table and kiss her but decided against it. Maybe she doesn’t like me that way. What if it’s only as a friend?
Now that his head had stopped spinning he went to work thinking up a plan and a reason for why he would be in danger. He had never done anything to anyone. Why would somebody want him hurt or worse dead? Nothing came to his mind so when Nancy started giving him a strange look he asked, “So what’s the plan. Because I know nothing is going to happen.”
“Well how about we go to your place because that’s what the voice said we should do.”
“HA HA. Sorry to laugh but that sounded kind of perverted to me. Do you always listen to what people tell you?”
“Well what do you suppose we do?”
And with that Nancy and Robert had their first and last lunch together. They would spend the time they had talking about who the voice may be and what he should do. After taking some time to think they had both decided to go to Robert’s apartment after work. Only if they had known they would never make it there.

2:13 PM
Robert is in his office now looking at his watch every three minutes. Nancy and he agreed on leaving early today which would be at three o’clock. They would take Nancy’s car to his apartment and she would stay the night. He would sleep on the couch and she would take his bed. He just wished he would of known she would be coming over so he could at least tidy up a bit. Oh well I’m sure she won’t care what my apartment looks like. Or at least I hope not.
The sound of his phone ringing brought him back down to earth. He picked up the receiver and answered, “Hello this is Robert Simms.”
“Why are you still there? I told you something bad is going to happen. Run Robert. RUN,” the voice said before hanging up.
Robert’s adrenaline level sky rocketed. His heart started pumping blood quicker through out his body. His pupils dilated and his muscles filled with blood. He slammed the phone down and ran out to tell Nancy about the phone call.

3:00 PM
Robert and Nancy ran down the flight of stairs to the garage that was built underneath the building. They both were very frightened by this time because the calls started to come more frequently. They had decided that the phone calls were not a joke and they should get out of the building as fast as possible. The couple ran toward Nancy’s car thinking that the person may not know what her car looked like. They ran bobbing-and-weaving through the lines of cars that stood in their way.
They had just got to Nancy’s car when a crash came from behind them. Robert looked up to see Nancy with her eye’s wide and mouth wide open. She was backing away from the car and pointing behind him. He thought she was going to say something but decided against it. Robert whipped his head around to see what the sound was and saw something he would forever see in his dreams.
Standing there behind him stood a beast that was at least eight feet tall. It was easily four feet wide from shoulder to shoulder. Its face was covered by fur but Robert could still see the burning red eyes that stared into Robert’s cool blues. There was a stench coming from the monster that towered over them both; the stench reminded Robert of a dead carcass. It raised its arms above its head and bellowed out a deafening roar. The monster then flexed to show its muscles bulge underneath its skin. The muscles along its neck stuck out like cords. Its skin had a red tint to it as if it had sunburn all over its body. The monsters claws were inexplicably long, judging from Robert’s distance, at least four inches long and as sharp as razors.
Robert was frozen where he stood. He looked back behind him to see that Nancy had fainted. This was Robert’s fatal mistake. He had assumed something so big would be slow and bulky in its run but this being was anything but slow and bulky. In one fluid motion the monster backhanded Robert across the garage. Robert landed on the hood of a car. Gasping for breath Robert tried to stand but the creature moving fluidly and soundlessly found Robert’s feet and flung him to the other side of the garage. Landing Robert heard a snap then a jolt of red hot pain coming from his right arm. He knew the moment he touched it that he had just broken his arm. Robert got up to run but again the monster was upon him this time kicking him in the chest yet again forcing all the air in Robert’s lungs to empty. Robert screamed when his arm banged against the ground.
The monster jumped high into the air with ease landing on Robert’s other arm. Robert’s left arm was obliterated underneath the weight of the creature. Robert started going in and out of consciousness with his head lolling back and forth. The monster smacked him with his hand (or is it paw) snapping Robert back into consciousness.
“You will listen to me now Robert,” the creature said breathing into Robert’s face.
“What do you want from me,” Robert said in between gasps of breath from the pain.
“Why I want your soul.”
“Are you the devil?”
“NO. I’m much worse than the devil Mr. Simms,” the monster said with a bit of a chuckle.
“Wh…who are you then,” Robert asked, now feeling no pain because he was just mere seconds from unconsciousness.
“Well, that I can’t tell you but I can say this: You should have listened to your Guardian when she called.”
With that the monster took his massive hands around Roberts head and squeezed mildly before giving his head one tremendous strike against the pavement. The creature walked away waving his hand over the car with the dented in hood; it formed back to its original shape. The last thing Robert saw and hear was the thing saying something then the air tearing apart to reveal a black hole. The creature looked back at Robert for a last time and smiled an ugly smile revealing jagged decayed looking teeth, then took a step into the black hole before disappearing forever. Then Robert welcomed darkness.


II

8:00 AM
The nurse fixed the young man’s pillow underneath his head and crossed the room to check the monitors that kept the young man alive. The nurse scribbled something into the chart that was outside the door and headed toward the nurses station. She had just started her shift and was hoping for a slow day so she could catch up on some sleep (considering she went out partying the night before). Her wish wasn’t fulfilled; within minutes of lying down on the cot one of the call lights went off. This is going to be a long day.

9:00 AM
Doctor Vance McVane was looking at the charts of the patient that the nurse was taking care of earlier. He saw that she had written in some new notes about the young man’s condition. Vance thought that this man was extremely lucky or extremely unlucky. The young man had gone through a lot to be in the state he was in now. Vance was sure he would die but the young man didn’t. Now the young man just lay there peacefully.
Vance walked out of the patient’s room and went on to the next of his long line of patients. He knew he probably wouldn’t be done with everybody by noon like he was hoping, but he could wish. Today won’t be too bad. So far it’s been pretty simple.

9:12 AM
The young man lay on the hospital bed with tubes running down his throat and nose one tube for oxygen and the other tube for food. His hair has been combed with little effort to do a good job. His eyes are closed but if you were to open them they would be rolling back and forth rapidly. His heart is beating at a steady 80 beats per minute. His breaths are deep and full of oxygen. The young man has been washed and smells clean.

10:00 AM
Vance McVane walked in the patient’s room while the nurse was checking his vitals.
“How is he,” Vance asked.
“Everything seems fine,” the nurse responded. “How long do you think he will be like this?”
Vance gave her a strange look then remembered the nurse had just been hired not long ago and this was her second day of working.
“What is your name ma’am,” Vance asked.
“Evelyn,” she answered.
“Evelyn, there is something you must know about this patient. First, I want to tell you welcome to our staff. Next, I will tell you that I have been working at this hospital for fifteen years. Now I will answer your question. I’m not sure how long he will be like this but he could wake up tomorrow or he may never wake up. Now it is my turn to ask a question. Have you read his chart?” Vance spoke with a calm steady tone that most doctors learn how to use when about to reveal a bad diagnosis.
“Well, I haven’t got to it yet. Why?” Evelyn asked getting nervous she might be getting reprimanded.
Noticing Evelyn was getting nervous Vance quickly said some words of encouragement, “Don’t worry Evelyn your not in trouble.”
“I do have to tell you some very important information about your patient. He has been in a coma for six years.”
Evelyn was undeniably shocked.

3:00 PM
Evelyn was sitting at the desk in the nurse’s station looking at the charts and filling out progress reports. She finally had the time to look at the charts and get to know the patients a little better. She automatically went to room 226’s chart. It was the chart of the young man that had been in a coma for six years. She flipped to the admissions page and began to read:
Patient: Robert Simms Sex: M Admit date: 5/12/07
Reason for admission: Severe head trauma.
History of present illness: Pt came into ER by way of ambulance. EMT’s said that pt was hit by blunt object. Pt has numerous fractures to skull and arms. Pt was found with woman in the garage at their work. Woman is fine. She can’t remember what happened. Pt has been unconscious since being found.
After reading the rest of the chart Evelyn let out a long sigh. She couldn’t believe he was still alive after all these years. She went into his room and just stared. Thinking, I wonder what he has been dreaming about these past six years.

III

6:23 AM
The sun is about to rise from the east when Robert Simms’ eyes opened from a deep sleep. He was dreaming a pleasant dream; a dream that he wished would never go away. The dream started off sexual in connotation and ended with an orgasmic feeling. Robert fantasized about the girl next door every night it seemed. Too bad Robert was a shy man at the age of twenty-six and had not dared ask the voluptuous brunette out for dinner...

February 2007

babyface123
03-03-2008, 05:41 PM
I think when people have Deja Vu, at that particular moment came from your dreams. I think dreams can show us what will happen in the future.

Do you agree?

Nighteyes5678
03-03-2008, 07:54 PM
I don't know how many of my thoughts you want, so I'll start light.

I can see what you were trying to do with your plot, and it's not a bad idea. However, there are somethings that might be getting in your way. There are simply observations and thoughts that I had while reading your story. Take them as you will.

- There are a few places in which the sentence structure impeded my progress when I was reading. My suggestion is to read your story aloud to yourself and make sure that your punctuation reflects how you want it to be read. Remember, a comma can mean the difference between the immortality of the soul and nothingness.

- You do a lot of telling in your story and very little showing. Why do you need to tell us that the nurse partied last night? Show us instead.

- There are a few cliques that you might want to take out.

- Make sure that your tense and viewpoint are consistent throughout the story.

- There were a few times when I thought the story wasn't realistic in the ways it should be. Demon/devil/monster apart - I don't know many successful lawyers that are 26. Also, they act... immature? Really immature. Was that intentional?

Please don't be discouraged by my amount of comments. It simply means you engaged my interest. Your story is certainly a good start and on it's way. Keep writing. ^_^

AuntShecky
03-04-2008, 12:03 PM
Five suggestions:

1. Read all the short stories you can, either on-line or from
anthologies from the public library. While reading, try to
determine the ways in which the author evokes his or her intended effect. In other words, look for the "how"as well as the "what."

2. In your own work, go back and omit everything that doesn't contribute to the story. Jettison all the extraneous matter. Avoid banal expressions.

3. Read the experts on how to write. A good beginning might be The Elements of Expression by Arthur Plotnik. If you don't own Elements of Style by Strunk and White you should obtain a copy especially if you are serious about writing. Read and heed!

4. Consider the reader! Skip a space between paragraphs. Clarify the unclear portions.
Proofread! Use a dictionary to check your spelling.
Read your work over and ask yourself: "Does this really say what I want it to say?" If it doesn't, then rewrite.

5. Take a look at this thread:
Show, Don't Tell (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29321)

Writing is hard work. The success of your pieces will proportionately reflect the effort which you exert.

Good luck.

DickZ
03-04-2008, 04:52 PM
...Writing is hard work. The success of your pieces will proportionately reflect the effort which you exert....
Your advice is as great as your stories, Auntie. In particular, your statement about hard work bears some closer examination.

I think too many of us get the impression that we can dash off a story in less than an hour, and think a reader somewhere is going to find value in it. Of course this is a general truth, so I hope the writer who started this thread doesn’t take it personally. It applies to all of us who try to write stories in all of the threads here.

It really does take lots of effort to put out worthwhile material, just as you said. Anybody who thinks otherwise is fooling nobody but himself. While we can jot down some thoughts in a short time – such as during fifth period when the teacher is boring us to tears with all that stuff about the x-axis – we can’t really come up with anything approaching a finished product in that kind of time.

Readers can tell how much effort went into a story when they read it. Stories that obviously didn’t take much effort on the part of the writer, are not worth the reader’s time. No reader wants to put out more effort than the writer did, and readers can quickly tell how much effort went into a piece.

It takes lots of re-reading and re-writing to make sure we’re expressing clearly what we want to express. We have to make sure that we, as the writers, aren’t the only ones who understand our own respective pieces. After all, we’re supposed to be writing this stuff for the readers. But way too often, the writer is the only one in the entire forum who actually understands what he or she is talking about.

Rover
03-20-2008, 07:28 AM
I didn't see the whole fantasy thing coming, it was a surprise when the story left the real world...I guess you wanted to surprise the reader? Well, you succeeded, congratulations :)
I enjoyed reading the story...Just a few things bother me, for exemple when it turns out the woman is a monster, the dialogue and reaction of Robert is something to include in your top 10 list of B horror movie clichés. Apart from this, I think the idea is good, having the same dream over and over again sounds more scary than the B movie monster you depicted...