Chico Cortez : An American Afterthought

[Lonesome Cowboy]

http://static.flickr.com/49/127073253_2e315f83de.jpg

Chico Cortez :
An American Afterthought
(rough draft)

The Mexican desert sun burns the "Coyote" smuggler lying in the sand. The agonizing man tries to hold his spilling guts in as he presses his hands against his blood soaked jacket. Standing next to him, a young mexican : Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife he looks over at his mother and little sister cowering under a mesquite tree. The Coyote looks up at Chico narrowing his eyes.

"Bastardo!" he winces in pain.

Chico´s mother holds her torn dress up to her chest , eyes wide in shock. The little girl whimpers fightened behind the tree.

The boy looks at his knife, blood dripping onto the hot desert sand. The Coyote now writhing at the boy´s feet spurting blood from his mouth. Chico slowly kneels leaning close to the Coyote´s ear he whispers cooly :

"Libertad..."

He thrusts the blade deep into the Coyote´s side. Knife flashes in the desert sun.

Any thoughts guys ?

BTW, this story is part of a collection I´m currently working on called
"Greed is Good : Gordon Gecko´s America"

[NickAdams]

Potential
Cliche
Confused
Show don't tell
Misc



The Mexican desert sun burns the "Coyote" smuggler lying in the sand. The agonizing man tries to hold his spilling guts in as he presses his hands against his blood soaked jacket. Standing next to him, a young mexican : Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife he looks up at his mother and little sister cowering under a mesquite tree. The Coyote looks up at Chico narrowing his eyes.

"Bastardo!" he screams as he winces in pain. (You only need one.)

Chico´s mother holds her torn dress up to her chest her eyes wide in shock. His little sister buries her face in her mother´s lap hiding from the gruesome scene unfolding.

The boy looks at his knife, blood dripping onto the hot desert sand. The Coyote now writhing at the boy´s feet spurting blood from his mouth. Chico slowly kneels leaning close to the Coyote´s ear he whispers cooly :

"Libertad..." (Really?)

He thrusts the blade deep into the Coyote´s side. Knife flashes in the desert sun.

[Lonesome Cowboy]

Gotta work on them "cliches" and a lot more too. Thank you for taking the time Nick. BTW, what do you mean exactly by the yellow (potential) highlight ? If you have time, please check out my other short story, "1921 Ford Roundabout". I´d like your feedback on it.

[NickAdams]

Is this an excerpt of a short storie or a sketch?

I like the title.

Potential:

"The Mexican desert sun burns the "Coyote" smuggler lying in the sand"

"Standing next to him, a young mexican : Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife ..."

Cortez seems to be introduced in the first sentence in the form of the sun and I enjoyed the connection. I wished you would have explored the symbolism a bit more. Doing so might give you some fresh description.

I'm hooked. I would read more. I eager to know the story.

Have you ever read any of Garnder's books on craft?

[Lonesome Cowboy]

Is this an excerpt of a short storie or a sketch?

I like the title.

Potential:

"The Mexican desert sun burns the "Coyote" smuggler lying in the sand"

"Standing next to him, a young mexican : Chico Cortez. Gripping a blood soaked knife ..."

Cortez seems to be introduced in the first sentence in the form of the sun and I enjoyed the connection. I wished you would have explored the symbolism a bit more. Doing so might give you some fresh description.

I'm hooked. I would read more. I eager to know the story.

Have you ever read any of Garnder's books on craft?


Nick, you are a friggin genius dude ! Chico Cortez = the Sun. Amazing! Again you are dead on , it IS a prologue "snippet". BTW, why did you like the title ?

Dude, please check out my other story "1921 Ford". I´d really like your feedback on it.

[NickAdams]

After I read the excerpt, I thought of Gregorio Cortez and assumed it was an intentional allusion. I was a little confused about the man named Coyote, but I thought it was a nice extension to the Gregorio Cortez reference.

From the title, I got the impression that you were going to explore a new aspect of the American identity and that Chico Cortez embodies this identity.


I'll be reviewing your story "1921 Ford" later.

[Lonesome Cowboy]

Have you ever read any of Garnder's books on craft?


John Gardner ? No I haven´t. But I will. Thanks for the book tip. I´m reading Nigel Watt´s "How to Write a Novel" (the "Teach Yourself" series). Its OK I guess.


After I read the excerpt, I thought of Gregorio Cortez and assumed it was an intentional allusion. I was a little confused about the man named Coyote, but I thought it was a nice extension to the Gregorio Cortez reference.

From the title, I got the impression that you were going to explore a new aspect of the American identity and that Chico Cortez embodies this identity.

Holy mackarel ! Nick, dude, you are totally taking me in new directions here man ! Thank you.

[DickZ]

You have a good beginning, Lonesome Cowboy, as far as priming the reader's interest. Keep at it. As others have said, there are some cliches in there, and you are apparently a beginning writer. But the only way to see improvement in your writing is to keep writing - not that I'm an expert on the matter - it's just my opinion.

So keep doing it! You've gotten over the hurdle of being intimidated, which holds back a lot of aspiring writers. That's actually the hard part - it's relatively easy to keep trying, after you have overcome your initial fear of starting.

[Lonesome Cowboy]

You have a good beginning, Lonesome Cowboy, as far as priming the reader's interest. Keep at it. As others have said, there are some cliches in there, and you are apparently a beginning writer. But the only way to see improvement in your writing is to keep writing - not that I'm an expert on the matter - it's just my opinion.

So keep doing it! You've gotten over the hurdle of being intimidated, which holds back a lot of aspiring writers. That's actually the hard part - it's relatively easy to keep trying, after you have overcome your initial fear of starting.

Thank you DickZ for taking the time to read this "snippet". Your comments are greatly appreciated.

[AuntShecky]

I concur w. Mr. Zimmerman's comment, but I would like to
add that besides the suggestion to keep writing that you
keep READING. The more you read, the better you will
discover the craft: not so much "what" is being written but
"how." You should also read a couple of less-than-perfect stories (off the top of my head, let's say a couple by
Kipling) so you'll find out what NOT to do.

So, good luck -- and keep at it!

Auntie

[DickZ]

... The more you read, the better you will discover the craft: not so much "what" is being written but "how." You should also read a couple of less-than-perfect stories (off the top of my head, let's say a couple by Kipling) so you'll find out what NOT to do...
That's interesting, Auntie. Everybody I've heard praises Kipling, but I found some of his work to be pretty atrocious. Not everything, mind you, but pretty close to half of his stories.

His poems are great, as are some of his stories. But many of his stories are nothing less than terrible. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one in the world who thinks that way.

[Lonesome Cowboy]

I concur w. Mr. Zimmerman's comment, but I would like to
add that besides the suggestion to keep writing that you
keep READING. The more you read, the better you will
discover the craft: not so much "what" is being written but
"how." You should also read a couple of less-than-perfect stories (off the top of my head, let's say a couple by
Kipling) so you'll find out what NOT to do.

So, good luck -- and keep at it!

Auntie


Thank you Auntie for the pointers. Any comments on the story itself (likes , dislikes) ?

[Lonesome Cowboy]

But many of his stories are nothing less than terrible. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one in the world who thinks that way.

Which Kipling stories would you recommend as "warning signs" DickZ ?