Log in

View Full Version : A Winter Visitor



jon1jt
12-08-2007, 06:28 PM
There is nothing you want. A blue sky couldn’t cheat you of time.
Okay give me a kiss, miss. Oh I’m not your mister. I used to be.
What is this you brought me? Double thick tires to bear the weight.

Our voices giving way to the haze between the real and the
pretended. Maria’s heels click across the kitchen floor, removes
her coat. How delicious this is in my silent cottage in the valley.
This is the best of the world, you made it.

She smells what she can't see. Soup, lobster, some brandy.
I smell the hundred flowers destroyed to make her perfume.

What’s the story with the skirt, it didn’t look that way when
you left? It's worn to translucence. Her hair honeys under the
kitchen light, wet. Different. She leans on the chair. Shoulder,
sweet. The voice speaks with advice. It will be alright.

Love begets love, and death before the death, the love
the part I’ve taken, the doom of love I've seen. The words,
the silences between the words, like flowers open and fall,
the heart gives away what the body takes. There's a poverty
of love, had I possessed the wit to see, a love I asked for and
never knew why. It was never mine.

One more card to play. Isn’t that bravery? But I love to lie here
singing in the silence, where under the dark rolling in, rolling on
in its journey, the ocean heaves.

blazeofglory
12-08-2007, 09:34 PM
This is a marvelously written piece, and I got absorbed and lost in it.

jon1jt
12-09-2007, 01:54 AM
This is a marvelously written piece, and I got absorbed and lost in it.

Thank you, blaze, I really appreciate that.

firefangled
12-09-2007, 11:09 AM
I think I will risk, afterall, expressing how much I enjoy your poetry, Jon.

There was a drama in this that made me slow down while reading it to soak in every line. Last stanza is amazing.

Lote-Tree
12-09-2007, 11:15 AM
There is nothing you want. A blue sky couldn’t cheat you of time.
Okay give me a kiss, miss. Oh I’m not your mister. I used to be.
What is this you brought me? Double thick tires to bear the weight.

Our voices giving way to the haze between the real and the
pretended. Maria’s heels click across the kitchen floor, removes
her coat. How delicious this is in my silent cottage in the valley.
This is the best of the world, you made it.

She smells what she can't see. Soup, lobster, some brandy.
I smell the hundred flowers destroyed to make her perfume.

What’s the story with the skirt, it didn’t look that way when
you left? It's worn to translucence. Her hair honeys under the
kitchen light, wet. Different. She leans on the chair. Shoulder,
sweet. The voice speaks with advice. It will be alright.

Love begets love, and death before the death, the love
the part I’ve taken, the doom of love I've seen. The words,
the silences between the words, like flowers open and fall,
the heart gives away what the body takes. There's a poverty
of love, had I possessed the wit to see, a love I asked for and
never knew why. It was never mine, never mine, you see.

One more card to play. Isn’t that bravery? But I love to lie here
singing in the silence, where under the dark rolling in, rolling on
in its journey, the ocean heaves.


Yes. The story was engaging. Great start. Go lost in the midle a bit. But it was good.

TheFifthElement
12-09-2007, 11:35 AM
I think I will risk, afterall, expressing how much I enjoy your poetry, Jon.

There was a drama in this that made me slow down while reading it to soak in every line. Last stanza is amazing.

Yes! Is it a risk to admit it, I'm not sure it should be?

I wholeheatedly agree, I have read this a few times over the course of today. There is so much depth in this, it really picks up from "she smells what she can't see..." and it draws you in, and draws you in some more. There are so many great lines I can't specify any for particular attention, save perhaps this :



The words,
the silences between the words, like flowers open and fall,
the heart gives away what the body takes.

perhaps because I have a fondness for those silences between words. Lovely poetry Jon, you're definitely on a roll.

jon1jt
12-10-2007, 01:53 PM
I'm going down in the dungeon to write another, thanks for the inspiration Lote, Firefang, Fifth!

blp
12-10-2007, 04:50 PM
I love the first strophe and all the rest I like. Except, 'the voice speaks with advice', which i find awkward and 'never mine, you see', the 'you see' seeming
sort of I don't know cutesy. Or arch.

jon1jt
12-10-2007, 08:55 PM
I love the first strophe and all the rest I like. Except, 'the voice speaks with advice', which i find awkward and 'never mine, you see', the 'you see' seeming
sort of I don't know cutesy. Or arch.

Never looked at it that way. Okay, I clipped it. Thanks much.

dibyendra
12-10-2007, 10:24 PM
Nicecly written Jon ! I loved this one from you again. The last stanza is quite impressive. I loved that.

blp
12-11-2007, 08:29 AM
Okay, I clipped it. Thanks much.

That works a treat, imho.