Summer Moments

[TheFifthElement]

The sun glints off the water
like shards of broken glass;
they throw themselves into it,
squealing as the cold slices
into skin, hitting bone,
but pain is momentary,
and they are young.
This is their summer moment,
dipped in the colour of the ocean
they become as timeless as
the cliffs, and the waves
that engulf them
with vast muscled arms.

Their clothes lie together
in two piles in the sand.
His shirt cuffs touch
the edge of her skirt,
a secret assignation.
They are shy and tender lovers,
wondering when their moment
will arrive. Perhaps the sea
will take them, or the gulls
with their ceaseless picking;
perhaps a passing dog,
overcome by a baser urge?

Until then they will remain still.

[Scube]

I find this fascinating imagery, ascribing a sort of serious anthropomorphism to clothes, cast off on a beach seeming in a way, to be a substitute representation for the owners; or a statement of life for anyone. (I forgot the literary term.)

[barbara0207]

You describe these "Summer Moments" beautifully, Fifth. Very vivid and imaginative, especially the last stanza (funny, too!). The way you make the clothes lovers is terrific. :lol:

There is just one little thing I'd like to point out (but perhaps it's just me). When I read the line "A secret assignation", I thought, aw, I'd found that out myself, I needn't be told. Maybe you just wanted to make it clearer who or rather what the pronoun "they" refers to in the next line. But I think hinting would have been better than telling.

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you Scube - I can't seem to help myself anthropomophising!

Barbara - thank you for your comments - I see what you mean. I could easily remove the 'secret assignation' line without the poem losing anything. Thank you for this, and for your kind comments :)

[TheFifthElement]

Ok, minor change, courtesy of Barbara's comments. Posting again for transparency. No need to name names ;)

Summer Moments

The sun glints off the water
like shards of broken glass;
they throw themselves into it,
squealing as the cold slices
into skin, hitting bone,
but pain is momentary,
and they are young.
This is their summer moment;
dipped in the colour of the ocean
they become as timeless as
the cliffs, and the waves
that engulf them
with vast muscled arms.

Their clothes lie together
in two piles in the sand;
his shirt cuff touches
the edge of her skirt.
They are shy and tender lovers,
wondering when their moment
will arrive. Perhaps the sea
will take them, or the gulls
with their ceaseless picking;
perhaps a passing dog,
overcome by a baser urge?

Until then they will remain still.

[SleepyWitch]

Their clothes lie together
in two piles in the sand;
his shirt cuff touches
the edge of her skirt.
They are shy and tender lovers,
wondering when their moment
will arrive. Perhaps the sea
will take them, or the gulls

I love those lines!
it does sound a bit like the lovers (not the clothes) will be taken by the ocean in one way or another...
nice imagery

[dibyendra]

Lovely Poem Fifth ! I loved your vivid imagination in this poem. :thumbs_up

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks Sleepy and dibyendra :) I'm still not quite sure about this one, but then are we ever satisfied with our own work? Always so hard to judge.

Sleepy, the ocean is a metaphor for something else, not a literal ocean as such, though the specifics of exactly what it's a metaphor for I'm still kind of working out, perhaps because it's kind of more than one thing. The gulls and the dog are a metaphor too. Phew, confused myself now!

[SleepyWitch]

Sleepy, the ocean is a metaphor for something else, not a literal ocean as such, though the specifics of exactly what it's a metaphor for I'm still kind of working out, perhaps because it's kind of more than one thing.
yep, that's what I figured :)

[TheFifthElement]

silly me ;)

[jon1jt]

Can I say this poem is effecting, that it has effected me? that your poetry is travelling upward (toward stars?) I sense a rhythm in this piece, Fifth, a stirring beneath the heartbeats. I could quote the entire poem as my favorite line, but I'd rather refer to the original which includes 'secret assignation' because that adds and doesn't detract.

This may be the most sensual piece I've seen on litnet. It's effortless, that's the difference.

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you Jon :blush: . Hmm, I have a dilemma now, secret assignations or not? Need to reflect.

[AuntShecky]

Re: your passage about the clothes nestling together.
Cf: the imagery of the laundry hanging on the line in Richard Wilbur: "Love Calls Us to the Things of This World."

[Virgil]

Thanks Sleepy and dibyendra :) I'm still not quite sure about this one, but then are we ever satisfied with our own work? Always so hard to judge.

Sleepy, the ocean is a metaphor for something else, not a literal ocean as such, though the specifics of exactly what it's a metaphor for I'm still kind of working out, perhaps because it's kind of more than one thing. The gulls and the dog are a metaphor too. Phew, confused myself now!

Fifth, I'm very impressed with your poetry, and this is no different. As to "The secret assignation" line, it's ok. The poem is fine with or without. Barbara's comment I think is a personal preference. It depends on the author and his/her style.

Just a funny observation. You say "They are shy and tender lovers." I don't know. Being naked on a beach doesn't seem so shy to me.;) But maybe that's just me.

[TheFifthElement]

Re: your passage about the clothes nestling together.
Cf: the imagery of the laundry hanging on the line in Richard Wilbur: "Love Calls Us to the Things of This World."

Hi Aunt Shecky, I'll have to check that poem out, thanks :)


Fifth, I'm very impressed with your poetry, and this is no different. As to "The secret assignation" line, it's ok. The poem is fine with or without. Barbara's comment I think is a personal preference. It depends on the author and his/her style.


Thanks Virgil, actually this comment means a great deal to me :)


Just a funny observation. You say "They are shy and tender lovers." I don't know. Being naked on a beach doesn't seem so shy to me.;) But maybe that's just me.

:lol: aren't clothes always naked?

[Virgil]

:lol: aren't clothes always naked?

Is it just clothes on the beach? I thought the lovers were there. Did I misinterpret that?

[TheFifthElement]

it is just the clothes on the beach. The lovers are in the ocean getting wet ;)

The clothes are lovers too, just a bit more discreet!

[Virgil]

it is just the clothes on the beach. The lovers are in the ocean getting wet ;)

The clothes are lovers too, just a bit more discreet!

Ah, ok. Then the lovers are not shy but the clothes are. ;)

[TheFifthElement]

Ah, ok. Then the lovers are not shy but the clothes are. ;)

Yes, the clothes are old-fashioned lovers, taking their time. The best type :)

[symphony]

the lovers themselves and then the lovers' clothes in their own form of love- comibined- makes this a ....may be 'masterpiece' is the word.

[TheFifthElement]

Wow, thanks symphony :D

[youmi]

it`s ok! I loved your nice imagery, it`s really wonderful

:thumbs_up
it`s ok! I loved your nice imagery, it`s really wonderful

[TheFifthElement]

thank you youmi, and welcome to litnet :)

[firefangled]

Fifth, I love this poem. It is hard to say if I like it more than any of your others to date, but I am tempted. There is a depth to this that makes it alive.

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you firefangled, your comments always mean a great deal to me :)