Christmas Poems # 1

[Biggus]

Christmas Poems # 1

CHRISTMAS CANDLE

Candle light of beauty
Adorning church and alter
None excluded from Christ’s love
Darkness brightly conquered
Light of Christ illuminating
Everlasting light of life

CROMWELLIAN

The lord protector Oliver Cromwell
Killed thousands, the truth to tell
Beheaded the king and closed hostelries
And he cancelled the Christmas festivities

JOSHUA, JOSHUA

“God with us,” or Emmanuel
“A savior”
In Hebrew called Joshua
In Greek the name was Jesus
“The chosen one”
In Hebrew called Messiah
In Greek named Christ
Jesus Christ
The Son of god
A Jew Born in the Roman Empire
Given by God to the world
For two thousand years
Not known by a Latin name
But known by all by his name in Greek

CHRISTMAS FARE

There has never been a good time to be poor
Certainly not Christmas
As Dickens wrote
“This time when want is keenly felt by the poor”
And there has never been a good place to be poor
Certainly not Victorian London
Now a wealthy Victorian family
Would dine upon a Christmas dinner
Of Vegetable soup
Oyster patties,
Roast turkey or goose,
Boiled leg of mutton with caper sauce
Followed by Port wine jelly,
Mince pies and plum pudding
Queen Victoria is known to have eaten roast swan
While in the country
A piece of Smoked bacon
Or rabbit pie was had
The poor in town or country
Dined upon what ever could be found

VICTORIOUS CHRISTMAS PIE

In the nineteenth century
At Christmas time
The old queen, Victoria
Gave, to her senior staff
And closest friends
A specially commissioned
Victorian Christmas pie
An extraordinary example
Of culinary magnificence
The pie consisted firstly
Of a woodcock
Small and plump
Which was then stuffed inside
A well hung and gamey pheasant
Which in its turn
Was stuffed inside
A fat corn fed chicken
As if this was not enough
The chicken itself was then
Stuffed into a huge Turkey
Until Finally
The great weight of fowl
Was placed upon a dish
And surrounded by special stuffing
And baked beneath
The richest pastry crust

MEDIEVAL CHRISTMAS PIE

For the wealthy landowners
In medieval times
Food was plentiful
At Christmas time
And A few days before the holy day
The kitchen at the manor
Would begin their preparations
First a huge pasty case was made
For a special festive pie
Into the bottom of the huge pastry case
Went enormous amounts of forcemeat,
This was ground beef and lamb
Heavily seasoned with salt and pepper,
On this were placed boned and boiled hens,
Rabbits, Ducks and assorted game birds
Another layer of forcemeat was added
Then marrow, hard boiled egg yokes
Currants, prunes and dates
Spices such as cloves and saffron,
Mace and cinnamon
Finished off the ample filling
It was then covered
With the huge pastry lid and baked
And such a feast was had
The poor were less fortunate
Unless they had a goodly lord at the manor
But bad masters were
As plentiful as the feast
And so Christmas for the poor
Was often less than merry

CHRISTMAS JAMMING

I sit in my car on a December day
In the evening rush hour on a Friday
Rain pounds on the roof of my car
As I sit in a jam not getting very far
Just sitting motionless in the traffic
Late home again, that just terrific
Bright red taillights fill my view
The light’s of other cars in the queue
I see Looking to my left and right
The twinkling of a Christmas light
The queue edges forward very slowly
Then I reach the junction eventually
Twenty minutes just to get this far
I see the blue light of a police car
I don’t believe it I could explode
The police have only shut my road
I still don’t know what’s to blame
As now I go back the way I came
All the way home I rant and rage
Growling like a wild beast in a cage
Rush hour and my spleen is vent
Shutting the road is so inconvenient
The reason for delay I still can’t see
But I do make it home eventually
I shout at the kids taking off my hat
I moan at my wife and kick the cat
I look at my dinner with total disdain
Dried up the gravy now just a stain
On Monday I relate my tale of woe
And my problems with traffic flow
A colleague of mine who lived locally
Knew the details and informed me
And then with shame I was filled
A woman was run down and killed
A week before Christmas she had died
A happy Christmas for her was denied
A poor young woman had lost her life
Somebody’s lover somebody’s wife
She was both a daughter and mother
Mourned by two sister’s and a brother
Bells ring out on Christmas morning
Bells ring out for a family mourning
Christmas bells ring out in glory
To celebrate the Christmas story
I spent Christmas with my family
With my heart so full of sympathy
I felt so ashamed at my selfishness
Angry impatient and thoughtless
I confess I behaved so irrationally
Just because I was late home for tea
When next I’m in a jam I’ll remember
Any time from January to December
I shall keep things in true perspective
And my thanks to God I shall give
No matter how slowly I have to drive
If I’m sitting in a jam I’m still alive

A TIME TO REMEMBER

It was an unforgettable morning
After the winter sun reluctantly rose
And the new dawn broke gently
To light the frosted landscape
And heralding the holy morn
Bathing cosy homes with light
Awaking children from their repose
As grown-ups wipe sleep away
Or tiredly yield to a yawn
And so the day has begun
Joyful yells and screams ensue
As gifts are opened frantically
Wrappings scattered here and there
It was an unforgettable morning
Though soon enough it became forgot
And as the day progresses
The latest must haves cast aside
Attention turns to the Christmas feast
When eyes are bigger than bellies
And indigestion comes on all
How different to the first morn
When in a strange and distant land
Lit by a star of brightest hue
And sheltered in a humble stable
God lay in human baby form
Watched over by lowly beasts
And shepherds stood in reverent pose
Three travellers from the east
Offered gifts to God made man
So as you enjoy your seasonal repast
Take time and spare a thought
Raise your hearts and a grateful glass
And remember the saviour’s birth

CHRISTMAS RULES

Our Christmas fare
Tables heaving
Cupboards overflowing
Contrasts starkly
With our foreign brothers
With meager bowls
Of meal or rice
How would they react?
To our gluttony

The homeless survive
On handouts
Of soup and bread
Or half eaten burgers
Discarded in bins
Sleeping in doorways
Or In cardboard boxes
With news paper bedding

Should we feel guilt?
For having more than they
For our good fortune
No we shouldn’t
But we should not forget them
We should spare a thought
For the less fortunate
And be charitable
A kind word or deed
Celebrate Christmas
By Christ’s rules

CHRISTMAS MORNING

Heralding the special day
As sweet undisturbed the cherubs lay
Early as Christmas day is dawning
The birds sing out on Christmas morning
Halleluiah, halleluiah cheer
Christ the savior’s day is here
And as awakes every little dear
One by one the lights appear
Yellow light piercing the darkness
Like stars populating heavens blackness
Until every house across the land is lit
To make a constellation to quite befit
A celebration across the earth
To celebrate the Christ Childs birth
Then with giggles and boisterous shout
The whirlwind kinder sets about
The present sack with great delight
Throwing paper to the left and right
And when they see the gifts inside
They’re open mouthed and wide eyed
Then peace restored after the early rout
The church bells call, the bells ring out
Good morning they seem to say
Merry Christmas on this special day
With purposeful step and a happy heart
We make our way to play our part
To give hearty praise and uplift
Rejoicing at the first Christmas gift

[ampoule]

Why Biggus, somehow I knew that someone who loves women so much would also love Christmas. ;) These are very nice, educational too. I have a friend who loves all things English so I hope it's okay if I share them with her.
Christmas Jamming was very moving. Unlike you, some people never learn those tender lessons.

[Biggus]

I'm glad you enjoyed them.
Please feel free to share them.

I have to admit to my shame that "Christmas Mourning" is a true story and It was I who was the impatient driver.

Thanks
again

Paul

[Biggus]

Christmas Poems # 2

THE WORSHIPFUL MORN

The bells of Christmas ring out clear
On the special day across the land
Family and friends come together
With warm embrace or shake of hand
Then together answer the call to enter
The happy faces of young and old
Of those occupying every seat or pew
In the church bedecked in green and gold
Lifted the heart and warmed the soul
The glad ragged and dapper dressed
The cheerfully demeanoured little girls
And little boys with hair unmessed
All come together on Christmas day
To share the celebration and rejoice
To mark the birth of the baby lord
Love and peace heard in every voice
As in harmony the congregation sing
Heartily in praise of Christ the King

HIS GIFT

For the lowly beast in the stable chill
And the humble shepherd on the hill
Wise and wealthy Magi from the east
The purpose of every Christmas feast
Is to rejoice and feel your spirits lift
Exchanging love when exchanging gift
For when Jesus lay in that stable stall
He gave us his love, the greatest gift of all

THE HOLY INFANT

In the presence of the lowly beasts
The prince of peace was born
And to his earthy joyous cries
They bowed low head and horn
The Shepherds stood in wonder
As the child they stood before
The child the angel told of
Lay before them in the straw
Countless miles the Magi came
Having traveled from the east
In lavish robes they knelt before him
And bowed lowly like the beasts
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
Were lain reverently before his stall
Precious gifts brought from afar
For the holy infant born for us all

SEASONS GREETINGS

Tis the festive season
Of goodwill and reason
For the politically correct
The dithering and the direct
For the clubs and the cliques
And tedious control freaks
For the anal retentive's
And their many representatives
For council house yobs
And the inverted snobs
Those with professional jobs
And intellectual snobs
For the easily offended
And the over complicated
For the vile and the venomous
The overt and the anonymous
Snake in the grass vipers
And Back stabbing snipers
To the tarts and the vicars
And those in disposable knickers
For all poetry scrawlers
And the unpleasant name callers
For the narrowly minded
And those with axes grinded
For the loud minority
And the silent majority
For blondes and brunettes
And all lads and laddettes
Those pierced and tattooed
And the prim and the lewd
For the bright and the bland
And the humble and the grand
For those who are pretentious
And the liberal consensus
Every class hew and breed
Every persuasion and creed
Whether ungifted or artistic
And the mentally arthritic
For the first and the last
And sense of humour bypassed
For those with rhyme and reason
So in the spirit of the season
Now the year is nearly done
Merry Christmas everyone

TIME FOR CHRISTMAS

At last I have some time to spare
No more work until the New Year
It’s nearly Christmas so beware
The weather's bitter so have a care
Peace and goodwill and never fear
A wish for one and all for the coming year

HARBINGER OF YULE

The advent calendars
Are first to appear
Heralding the headlong rush
Toward Christmas cheer
On trees baubles reflect
Flickers of candle light
From Novembers end
Right up to twelfth night

SUPERSTITIOUSLY WHITE CHRISTMAS

If on Christmas day
Snow fall is seen
Then come Easter
Everywhere be green

FIRST CHRISTMAS

It was just twelve months ago
Since my special wish was made
A wish you thought so simple
For which a fortune I'd have paid
And now it's our first Christmas
In our first little house
But I hope the first of many
With my beautiful new spouse
This year my wish is simpler still
On this Christmas day with you
May our hearts be always filled with love
And the stockings be filled with you

THE NOT SO GREAT WAR

“Your country needs you,” said Kitchener
You’re needed to fight them over there
“It will be over by Christmas,” they said
But it was just getting started instead
In the cold trenches on Christmas morn
The guns remained silent after the dawn
Soon forgetting the horrendous conditions
Men began emerging from their positions
The opposing soldiers met in no mans land
Then smiled and shook their enemies hand
Briefly at peace both sides felt regrets
Then they exchanged gifts of cigarettes
A day without a single shot fired at all
They even got to play a game of football
Sadly the men returned their own way
They began killing again on Boxing day

DOB?

In Rome a monk living about 530 ad
A mathematician and an astronomer
Was given the task of calculating
And reforming the Christian calendar
In essence to pin point with all precision
The date of Jesus Christ’s birth exactly
A miscalculation was discovered later
He was four years out unfortunately
Christ was born on January the sixth
According to the scholarly Egyptians
The date of Christ’s death was thought
More important to the early Christians
Rome selected Christ’s birth date to be
On the twenty fifth day of December
To coincide with the old pagan festivals
Like that of Mithras and Saturnalia
The sixth of January is Christmas day
For the apostolic church from Armenia
But its the following day that’s Special
For the Orthodox Church of Russia

[Biggus]

Christmas Poems # 3

MARTIN LUTHER BLING

There is a legend suggesting that Martin Luther
Who was a sixteenth century religious reformer
And founder of the Protestant church in Germany
Was the first to put candles onto a Christmas tree
It’s said he was walking home one winter’s night
When he noticed the stars were shinning bright
And through the tree’s he saw the twinkling light
And he was so impressed by this majestic sight
When he returned home he set up his Christmas tree
Decorating it with lighted candles for all to see

GREETINGS TO THE WORLD

“Happy Christmas” is what I chose to say
But many greetings are used for the day
To one and all during the festive season
And different languages are the reason
Say "Frolyke Kerstfeest" or "Joyoo Noel"
"Felleeth Navidad" even "Glaydlig Yool"
"Kalla Kristoogenna", "Boo-on Natarlee"
"Boas Festas" or "Sheng Dan Kwhy Lee"
You could say "Frerlicker Vine-akten"
Or maybe "Roshdesrom Kristovim" then
So you can say it in very many ways
But please never say “Happy Holidays”

A SAINT IS FOR LIFE NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

Often the true meaning of Christmas passes us by
The night the holy star appeared bright in the sky
Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ the savior
But others are also remembered at this time of year
St Lucia’s day is on the thirteenth day of December
In fourth century Sicily Lucia was a virgin martyr
Lucia means “light” very apt for a Christmas saint
She is also called upon to cure any eye complaint
St Thomas’s day is on the twenty first of December
The shortest and darkest day in our modern calendar
Traditionally the poor would all go out “thomasing”
For wheat flour and other Christmas “goodening”
Not the first saint you’d associate with Christmas
He is perhaps better known as “doubting Thomas”
Because he at first questioned Christ’s resurrection
He is patron saint of the carpenter and stone mason
On the twenty-six of the month St Stephens day falls
Boxing Day or the feast of Stephen in hallowed halls
Chosen by the disciples to help spread Christianity
He was put to death by the zealots for his profanity
The most famous Christmas time saint of all must be
St Nicholas the Bishop of Myra now a part of Turkey
He was a very shy man and the kindest man to know
When he threw coins through a poor family’s window
They landed in a stocking hanging over the fire to dry
So that’s where it all began if you ever wondered why



SATAN RULES KO

If you’re a worshiper of Satan
And you suffer from Dyslexia
Take care before you commit
You may sell your soul to Santa

FATHER AND CHRISTMAS

What do a Christmas tree
And a priest have in comparison?
The answer is simple to see
Their balls are just for decoration

THE HONEST SANTA FAIRY

A sorry old drunk is walking
Down the street one morning
Together with Santa Claus
The tooth fairy and of course
Honest John the Solicitor
When suddenly on their tour
At the very same moment
They spot on the pavement
Someone’s discarded wallet
So who was it who got it?
The old drunk obviously
Because all of the other three
Only exist in mythology

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 1

Well I only got a sweater for Christmas
Not the best thing to get for a dreamer
Because I got a sweater for Christmas
When I wanted a moaner or a screamer

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AUNTIE PEGGY

For Christmas I bought my Auntie
A brand new wooden leg
I didn’t have it specially made
No I just got it off the peg
You may say it’s not a nice gift
Or even that it’s a killer
It wasn’t her main present though
It was just a stocking filler

NICE

Making your way in life, it’s nice
To know you can, once or twice
Rely on other people in a trice
For assistance, guidance or advice

They’ll be no shortage of advice
But knowing what piece or slice
Of advice or guidance will suffice
You might just as well roll a dice

This axiom though it be concise
Won’t be bettered to be precise
So you take heed or pay the price
“Don’t eat yellow snow or ice”

EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
“Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bloke in the Santa outfit

[Biggus]

Christmas Poems # 4


FALL OF THE SNOWMAN

Here is a thought of little worth
Snowmen start their fall to earth
From Heaven above unassembled
And like a snow globe it resembled
But if a snowman were then desired
Some assembly would be required

HAPPY STRESSLESS

A good friend of mine
Does his Christmas shopping
In less than two hours
With decs for party popping
And Gifts for twenty five
Friends and family
All on Christmas Eve
Including a six foot tree

IT’S CHRISTMAS

People have been discovering
On a Christmas Morning
That the curse of Christmas
That’s causing the most fuss
Has been unanimously concluded
To be “Batteries not included”

HOOK

There is something puzzling me
As it doesn’t say in the book
Before his hand was taken
What did they call captain hook

It’s a difficult one to answer
Maybe he was evil captain fist
Or was he called captain two hands
Not really a very menacing list

And was it simply irony, mere chance
Or was his accident planned
For if not for the crocodile
He would have remained a deck hand

COOL YULE By Sam Curtis

Last day of school,
Kids say “that’s cool”
Angel’s wings
Shepherd brings
Presents for Jesus
Rudolf sneezes
Everything is frosting over
Even my car made by “Rover”
Reindeer fly
But I can’t fly
But I have cream on my
Hot mince pie
But I still get a lift
When I get a gift

WHO’S THE NEW GUY?

A tenth reindeer flew in Santa’s team
One unknown pulling Santa’s sleigh
We know the names of nine of them
Including Rudolf leading the way
So who was the mystery number ten?
Twas Rudolf the brown nosed reindeer
Flew behind his red nosed brother
But he couldn’t stop as quick I fear

A HAND FOR SANTA

On Christmas Eve
Don’t lay awake in bed
All you naughty girls
Blonde, brunette or red
For instead of presents
You may get a shock instead
You may catch Santa
Dressed in his suit of red
Emptying his sack
At the end of your bed

CHIMNEY NOOK

The next time you complain
At the lack of Christmas nookey
Spare a thought for old St Nick
And have a little sympathy
For he only comes but once a year
And then he’s up a chimney

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 2

I don’t want a present
That’s very practical
Or a gift home made
Or something musical
Something for wearing
Thoughtful or twee
Things for the garden
Or things fragrant or smelly
Nothing expensive when
The value is shocking
I just want something shapely
In a Christmas stocking

OH NO HE ISN’T

My great uncle John was an actor on the stage
Who was best known as a pantomime dame
Famous for his ugly sister and widow twanky
But not anymore which is a great shame

He has gone to that great pantomime in the sky
No longer will he don grease paint and his regalia
I will still see him though from time to time
Because he’s not dead he’s just working for Ryan air

[Biggus]

Christmas Poems # 5

THREE WISE ONES

The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh

The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts

CHRISTMAS ALPHABET

Angels from on high
Behold we bring news
Christ is coming
Do not be afraid
Emmanuel is coming
Follow yonder star
Go to Bethlehem
Hosanna God be praised

In the town of Bethlehem
Jesus was born
Kneeling shepherds before him
Lowing beasts in attendance
Magi from the east
Noel, noel, noel

On the first morning
Peace came to the world
Quelling fear and pain
Rekindling the light
Saviour son of God
The prince of peace was born
Uniting the world

Verily the most
Wondrous of times
Xmas festival of love
Yule tide of good will
Zion brought to earth


A CHRISTMAS WISH

On a Christmas Eve at midnight
When I got into bed
I lay upon my pillow
And there beside my head
Was Santa with his trousers off
And this is what he said
Happy Christmas little girl
I’ve unwrapped this gift for you
So take this gift with pleasure
To make your wish come true
Because Santa comes but once a year
And tonight he comes with you

A GIFT FOR MARIA

A young man called Paul
Wanted to buy a present
For his new sweetheart Maria
As a Christmas present

As they’d not been dating
For a very long duration
He decided to purchase
After careful consideration
A nice pair of gloves
striking the right note
Not too romantic or personal
So the gloves got his vote

Accompanied by Maria’s sister
He went to Harrods and bought
A dainty pair of white gloves
“She will like these” he thought

Maria’s sister Susan bought
A pair of panties for herself
But during the wrapping
An error was made on the shelf

The assistant mixed up
The gloves and the panties
The sister got the gloves
And Maria got the scanties

Without checking Paul sealed
The package along with a note
And sent it to his sweetheart
And this is what he wrote

Dear Maria, I chose these
As I noticed my darling
That you don’t wear any
When we go out in the evening.

If not for your sister Susan
I would have got long ones
The type with the buttons,
But Susan wears short ones
That are easier to remove.
They are a delicate shade,
But the shop assistant
where the purchase was made
Showed me the pair she has
That she’d been wearing
and were hardly soiled
After three weeks wearing
I had her try yours on for me
And she looked really chic
Even though they were
Tight on her a little bit.

She told me that her pair
Helps to keep her ring
Clean and shiny, and in fact
And this is interesting
Since she’d begun wearing them.
It hadn’t needed washing

I really hope you like them
And wish I were there with you
To put them on you Maria
for the first time I really do

As no doubt many other hands
Will have touched them
Before I see you again
Remember when you remove them
To blow into them before
Putting them away and drying
As they will naturally be
A little damp from wearing

Just think how many times
My lips will kiss them
during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them
For me on Friday night
All my love Paul till then

P.S. The latest style
Which appears to be growing
Is to wear them folded down
With a little fur showing

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

It was Christmas Eve closing time, nearly
Where a last minute shopper, frustrated clearly
Was rummaging through the freezer cabinet
At her nearest out of town super market
Desperately searching for a frozen turkey
And couldn't find one big enough for her family
Then she saw a young shop assistant pass by
And decided that she would give him a try
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" she said
Puzzled he replied "No madam, they're dead."

THE SANTA CLAUSE

When I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got older
I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
When I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildren
I look like Santa Claus

KIDS DON’T UNDERSTAND CHRISTMAS

All children think
Christmas just happens
But parents work tirelessly
To bring it about
Months in the planning
Putting things away
Things to add to a special day
Shopping and wrapping
Dressing and decking
Super market shopping
The prices heart stopping
Journeying from shop to shop
For the latest must have toy
All made worth while
To see a face lit with joy

CHRISTMAS SHOCKING

Well worn festive tunes
Blare out
Hapless faces
Stare out
Faces strained
Bemused, Confused
Lists gripped tight
Pens ticking or deleting
Then onward
Loaded trolleys
Wildly steering
Zig zagging
Aisle to aisle
Every item
Must be had
Gin for her
Beer for dad
Chocs and cakes
Chops and steaks
Turkey, stuffing
Nuts and fruit
Frozen this
Prepacked that
Pop and juice
Something’s loose
Everything ticked
On the tight gripped list
Nothing missed
Merry Christmas wished
Hundreds of pounds
Of Christmas bought
The festivities can begin
Relax in the knowledge
The shops will only be shut
For twenty four hours

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

Christmas at the office
Is just like any other day
Let’s face of it
You end up doing all the work
And the fat guy in the suit
Gets all the credit

CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS

Every Christmas day is the same
The Browns come round for lunch
I dread the time as it approaches
There a bloody awful bunch
He’s an opinionated git
She’s a loudmouthed fishwife
Their kids run amuck unchecked
Causing trouble and strife
They drink all my booze
And eat every crumb of food
They’re uncouth and vulgar
Obnoxious and just plain rude
They are a truly horrible family
I wish I could show them the door
They have no redeeming features
God I hate my brother in law

CHRISTMAS CHEER

I went to the pub with my brother
For a Christmas, lunchtime drink
While my wife cooked the dinner
And washed up at the sink
We got thrown out at 4 o’clock
Full of Christmas cheer and gin
We got home ready for Christmas lunch
And found it in the bin

CHRISTMAS POST

Mildred went to the post office
To buy stamps for her Christmas cards
“What denomination do you want?”
She was asked by Mr Everard
“That’s political correctness gone mad,
Has it come to this?” said she
“You’d better give me a book of Catholic
And a book of C of E”

SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS

It was Christmas eve at the magistrates court
And the Magistrate was in charitable mood
And In keeping with the season
Was inclined to show a little latitude
"Now then, what is the charge against you?"
He asked the unfortunate prisoner
The man in the dock replied
"I was caught Christmas shopping very early sir"
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me.
What do you mean by “very early” man”?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant,
"It was an hour before the shop was open."

CHRISTMAS SERVICE

It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
And had been snowing heavily since before the dawn
And for the morning service the waiting minister
Was eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
The clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
I don’t suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
The farmer replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”

OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT

My mum got me a jumper
That fits what it touched
My sister got me novelty socks
That didn’t cost very much
My dad got me a Philishave
To shave between my spots
My Nan got me a scarf
And a box of jelly tots
But it’s the identity
That I would like to know
Of who got me the condoms
Tied up with a bow

[motherhubbard]

you have so much here that I really can't comment on it all. I wonder what you'll write about new years, valentines day and groundhog day- I look forward to reading more of your poems. I’ve had squash plants less prolific than you!

[Biggus]

Thank you

[Biggus]

CHRISTMAS CANDLE

Candle light of beauty
Adorning church and alter
None excluded from Christ’s love
Darkness brightly conquered
Light of Christ illuminating
Everlasting light of life

[porisna]

Well, it's getting close to Christmas time again. Each year it seems like Christmas sneaks up faster than it did the year before. Although the saying is usually true that "Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year", for many of us it is also the most costly.
As we all know, this can be an extremely stressful time. If you are one of those scraping by each month just to pay your bills, the added pressure to earn extra money for Christmas can be a little much to handle.
Making extra money is something a lot of us are worried about this time of year. With a combination of the economy, and job instability... you may be among the many searching for ways to make money this holiday season.

[hillwalker]

With a combination of the economy, and job instability... you may be among the many searching for ways to make money this holiday season.

Classy bit of hi-jacking and self-advertising there porisna. You obviously miss the point of this forum, or you're too thick-skinned to care.

H

[Biggus]

You have to admire her dedication H for dragging up something I posted 4 years ago

[hillwalker]

True... but I smell a rat.

Also it's depressing to be reminded of Christmas when we're barely in October, don't you think? :-)

H

[Biggus]

Thats a good point, I saw a Christmas advert on one of the cable channels last week.