college application help

[undied]

Using an autobiographical piece that i did in class last year for my college applications. Trying to strengthen its word choice though and i need some help. Thanks in advance.
Did you ever have friends with whom you laughed with all the time? I definitely did. We were the smartest stupid people that we knew. We lived in our own world. We were always doing what we wanted and never taking responsibility for anything. “One for All, All for One”, that was our motto. We were the bad crowd, the bad kids, the rowdy ones. We were the kids that parents didn’t want around. And we didn’t care at all.
It all started when I was in grade four. I had always been a trouble maker but my parents were beginning to get fed up with me. It was the Christmas break, and I had been told by my parents that I should concentrate on my education. And for the rest of the year, I did.
Then grade five arrived. It was the first day of school and I could tell something was different the moment I entered the classroom. There were more students in my class then usual, and the size of the classroom had been extended (they had knocked down a wall and joined two rooms). The teacher assigned us seats and I was placed next to some kid I had never seen before. I had no idea that he would be one of my best friends for the next three years.
“Hey, I’m Joseph,” I introduced myself. He looked at me like I was crazy.
“Uh-huh” he replied.
“Jerk,” I muttered under my breath. I had no idea what it meant then, I had just heard it on TV.
“Moron,” I replied. I found out later that he had no idea what it meant either.
We looked at each other, and began to laugh hysterically. It was funny, there was no reason why, it was just absolutely hilarious. And that was the basis of our friendship. Insults, followed by laughter. That’s how I got to be friends with Magnus. We soon found out that we lived on the same block and by the end of the week, we were car-pooling. By the end of the month, we were always together. It was like that till 8th grade.
In grade six though, someone else entered the equation. Magnus and were no longer in the same classroom, so things seemed dull in class. It was about two months into the school year when a new kid joined my class. He seemed shy in the beginning and we didn’t really talk for the next few days. But when we went to our first P.E class together, we got to see the real him. It was like he had finally woken up from a long nap and roused himself. He was energetic, sporty and competitive. Beginning from that class, he never went back to his shy and calm demeanor. We became fast friends, regularly visiting the director’s office. He was the worst thing that could have happened to my education. He was Matthias.
Over the next two years, we were never separated for more then a few weeks. It just didn’t feel the same if we weren’t together. When we were together though, it usually ended up with one of us either in trouble or injured. Anything that one of us would do, the other two would know about. We called ourselves the “Triple Man Trio”, and the “APA” after our favorite wrestlers. School was never on our agenda, and neither were respect, family or even any form of responsibility. We only had loyalty to each other, to our friendship. It was all that mattered to us. Our friendship always came out in times of need. It was usually clearest when Magnus did something, and Matthias or I usually came to his rescue.
“Hey guys, I think that someone saw me”, was Magnus’s usual way of telling us that he had done something. “I need an alibi quick.”
“What now dude?” was the reply that Matthias and I always gave him.
“Well, I was in the bathroom and I turned on all the taps. Then I corked the drain. The bathroom is flooded.” Magnus would always have his trademark grin plastered across his face, and an evil glint in his eye.
Laughing together about how stupid he was, we would always find a way to get in trouble, but not so much trouble that our parents found out.
When grade 8 began, everything was exactly the same as before. We were still getting in trouble, but at least we got in trouble together. It was October when the first rumors began to circulate. Some people were claiming that some of the embassies were pulling out, others said that the U.N personnel would be leaving. Even more said that it was only a select few who were being kicked out. It didn’t matter to us, we thought that nothing could separate us. We were young, and we thought the world belonged to us.
It was December when we found out. Magnus's parents invited Matthias and I over to their place. We thought it was just the usual dinner, but boy were we wrong. We got seated for dinner in our usual place. I had been in that living room so many times that I could recreate it in an instant. It had always been a place of joy, a place where I didn't have to worry about anything. After that dinner though, I always remembered it with an air of cruelty. Magnus's mom, Hella, broke it to us pretty quickly.
"Hey boys, come here for a moment and take a seat", she called to us. We approached and took a seat around the living room table. "I've got some bad news. I know you've heard all the rumors, and we ignored them aswell. But we're leaving next week."
We were in shock. No words were said, that was the extent to which we were surprised. Magnus was leaving. But Hella hadn't finished.
"I'm sorry to keep going, but Matthias, you and your family are also leaving", she continued, looking at us guiltily.
We had just been told the worst possible information. How could it have happened we thought? How could the Triple Man Trio be broken up. The worst news of all to me was that they would both be leaving within a weeks time. It was so unfair. We didn't deserve it.
That week flew by. Magnus and Matthias stopped coming to school because they had to pack and get ready to leave. It was like time was on fastforward, and it couldn't come back to normal speed.
The night before the left was the last time I talked to them face to face. We were inside Magnus's living room but all the furniture had been removed. It was painful to look around, it was as if our memories were etched into the walls. The orange paint on the walls no longer looked vivid and bright to us, it was taunting us and telling us that we wouldn't have fun here anymore. We just looked around for a few minutes. I broke the silence.
"You idiots better call me", anything to break the silence. We all looked at each other and began to laugh. We knew it was our last time together, but we knew we would be friends for life.
"I'm going to Uganda, so i'll probably call after we get settled in", said Magnus. I turned to Matthias, waiting for him to reply.
"I'm heading to Holland for a few weeks, but then I don't know where i'm going", replied Matthias quietly.
"I'm gonna miss you bums", I said, looking at them. Neither of them replied, and they didn't have to. We were all going to miss each other and we knew it. But I no longer felt like I had to despair that they were leaving. I knew I would continue my life after them, and so would they.
They didn't call for a few weeks. It was February by the time Magnus called. He was in a new school in Uganda and everything was different. Not better or worse, but just different. It was the same for me, everything was different but it wasn't worse. I had learned to live on without my best friends. I would make new friends over time, and it would be all right.
Matthias called soon afterwards. He would be travelling around for a few months and he might not be able to call me anymore. I told him that it was okay, just to stay safe and call me when he got the chance.
I never got to know anyone like I knew Magnus and Matthias. On the flipside though, my life didn't end and the world didn't stop spinning like I thought it would if we ever got seperated. I learned that it was part of life, making friends and losing friends. It wouldn't kill you, but it would just make you stronger. It would help you appreciate your friends more. The experience of losing them aided me in the end, though it was painful at first. I wasn't mad at them for leaving me; I was actually grateful. As Cicero put it more than two thousand years ago, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others."

[B-Mental]

I hope you don't have a rush deadline, as I am very busy right now but would be able to take the time tonight or tomorrow to review to assist you.

[HayleySOAD]

“Jerk,” I muttered under my breath. I had no idea what it meant then, I had just heard it on TV.
“Moron,” I replied.

I think you need to change one of the 'I's.

We were the bad crowd, the bad kids, the rowdy ones. We were the kids that parents didn’t want around.

Change the 'bad' to a simile? May make it sound better rather than repeating the word. Same applies to 'kids'.

Magnus and I were no longer

Need to add 'I'

Just wondering though... what are you applying for exactly? Depending on what you want to study, is it a good idea to write about how you always got into trouble and how you weren't keen on school, etc? Just a thought.... :) good luck with your application.

[Petrarch's Love]

First off, while it's a nice autobiographical piece, it needs a lot of serious revision if you're thinking of using it for the purposes of a college application. The story itself as it is written is not telling the person reading it why you would make a good candidate for their school. You're going to lose your reader early on with lines like "we were the smartest stupid people we ever knew." Even if it's supposed to be funny, you don't want the word "stupid" associated with you in any way for an application. Another problem with the piece is that you take a long time telling step by step about the development of the friendship. This is fine if the purpose is to tell someone a story about yourself, but for an application the reader is going to be thinking, "OK, what's the point? Why should I care about this guy's experience and how is this telling me that he would be a good person to accept to my school?" Even if the application is expressly asking for you to talk about a personal experience, they want to hear about that experience in a way that will show why you're a good applicant for this college.


Here are a few pointers:

1. Get to the point fast--Application readers are going through a lot of essays and are going to turn off if you don't start off with a good clear point early on. In this case, you get to the point at the very end when you talk about how you've lost friends, but how you've learned from the experience and let it make you stronger. You need to make that your starting point instead of making your reader look hard for it.

2. Avoid negative terms about yourself--Even if you were a bunch of stupid guys, you don't want to repeatedly come back to how you were a goof off kid. If you want to use that to make a point about how you used to goof off but now you've changed, then that's fine, but follow any statement about how silly you've been with some positive descriptions of how you've learned from that, or some good things you've done since.

3. Give some more reflective thought--This is related to the idea of starting with a main point. You have a good start with making your friendship with the Triple Man Trio a theme of the paper, but as it is most of the space is taken up with just telling what happened. For a college application, you want to keep coming back to why it is that this story is one that you think says something important about yourself. This is the "so what?" of the paper. The experience of having friends you have good times with who then move away isn't that unique, so the way you're going to make this story say something unique about you is going to be including your thoughts about what this means to you and how it ties in with how you see your future. Depending on whether the application specifically wants you to center on one story or not, you might also want to just use this story as a smaller part of the essay, as a point to jump into thoughts about change and experience in life and other stories that say more about you more recently, rather than the overall impression being about you playing pranks with your friends as a kid.


Let me know if you have any questions about the above advice, and good luck with your applications.

[undied]

I'm actually rewriting my essay so thanks to everyone who replied. I'll be back though so don't disappear!

[undied]

Okay, this is just a rough ROUGH draft that i did less then half an hour ago. I'm going to go through it (no MS Word to check errors). I added the quote at the end because i had no idea how to end it. The topic for the essay was -> Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. Decided on the following and heres what i came up with for now....

The 1998 border skirmish between my nation, Eritrea, and Ethiopia was a life altering experience. It took the entire populations of both nations by surprise. It was like a derailed train going downhill, unstoppable and terrorizing. But it didn't end in my life being lost, and as the popular saying goes "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."
It was the nearing the end of the school year when the rumors began to circulate. Everyone dismissed them as ludacrous and unwarranted. How could it be possible for a war to break out when the country was in such excellent condition? The economy was in terrific shape, the harvest for the year had been bountiful and the weather was sunny. There were no reasons for a war, and all the rumors were forgotten soon afterwards.
It was a few weeks later when the first bombing happened. The military jets could be heard overhead, but there was no reason to suspect that they were there to cause so much suffering. Everyone assumed that the airforce were giving the pilots some airtime. The first explosion could be heard throughout the city. It was followed in quick succession by two more deafening explosions. The school was immediatly evacuated and all the students returned to their respective embassies or homes. Our house was near the site of the explosions, and at first, there were panic-stricken civilians running around. Soon after though, the streets were abandoned and Asmara felt like a ghost town.
The military took over the nation after that. School continued, but it was hard to concentrate. Nearly the entire male population were deployed to the border. It was a real war, with people leaving to the border to fight and not returning to their families. It wasn't what was on television, in which all the soldiers stay in one piece and return to their homes after beating the enemy.
It was over in a few months time, but its effects were devastating. Thousands of people had died and the country was in ruins. The lives of every family were changed forever, and those who died couldn't be forgotten. It was a time to rebuild and continue, to help each other and remember those who had lost their lives.
That short time in history would be just a newspaper article to the rest of the world. But to me, it was an inspiration, a motivation. It helped to spur me into taking advantage of the education I was getting. I strived to become the best in my class, and that alone wasn't enough. It couldn't always be about yourself; those around you could always use help. That little border war between two countries in Africa that the rest of the world heard about and ignored changed me forever. It helped me try and improve myself intellectually, morally and spiritually. I began to read and study in earnest. Helping the community around me became an integral part of my life. Sports took a larger role as well; I went on to be succesful at several sports. My life was changed but I came out the other side all the better. Today, I no longer need someone to motivate me because I push myself. As Abraham Lincoln put it, "Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing."

[crazefest456]

Oh! the common app! good luck to us all...