A guilty conscience

[dibyendra]

A Guilty Conscience

When you were craving for my warm presence,
I couldn't reach for you...
When you were seeking for my kind response,
words didn't come out right which could soothe you...
I never knew that one fault could ever
inflame all the misbehaviors of the past..
I never knew that one unfulfilled promise could ever
burn trust into mistrust...
I never knew that accidental words could ever
backfire heartbreakingly...
I could only hear your cry in agony,
no matter how hard I tried to reconcile
while you were on the backseat of my motorbike
on the way back home, in the dark highway.
Sometimes, the word “Sorry” has no weight at all;
It disappeared somewhere in the air
without reaching into your ear...
In that night, my pillow drenched with tear
and the guilty conscience recoiled
again and again...
wishing only if I could turn back time
to take back those spoken words
and go ahead with the time again...

- Dibyendra Hyoju
December 1, 2007

[dibyendra]

Any suggestions, critics, and comment are welcome ! So, please post your comment when you finish reading this poem. I need your true comments from which I can judge how I am writing and what do I need to improve.

Thank you all !
With Love,
Dibyendra

[dibyendra]

Now I can't fly with these broken wings
in this cold winter without a warm company
This winter has been a curse,
and my fingers crossed here desperately...
What's next ?

[mazHur]

Dibtyendra

It is an interesting poem but had it contained the words which offended your friend it would have been more meaningful !

[dibyendra]

Dibtyendra

It is an interesting poem but had it contained the words which offended your friend it would have been more meaningful !

Thank you so much Mazhur for your comment. Oh, I couldn't judge that myself that this poem contains words which can offend my friend. Would you like to pinpoint those words ?

[mazHur]

Dear Dibyendra

for example, you could have said to your beloved that

I did not know that you would be offended
with just one word LOVE that I said
My goodness, if you are so averse to this simple utterance
I feel I will now have to sink my entire love-library into the sea !

[dibyendra]

Dear Dibyendra

for example, you could have said to your beloved that

I did not know that you would be offended
with just one word LOVE that I said
My goodness, if you are so averse to this simple utterance
I feel I will now have to sink my entire love-library into the sea !

Thank you Mahhur once again for your kind response. Actually, it's about my friend and not about my heart breaking love story. It's about that night when we met each other but some of my accidental words broke the heart of gold. Anyway, most of the readers consider this as an heartbreaking love poem. Ans yes, this is what I intended as well as to make reader ponder for a while about that situation.

I never want to offend my beloved friend. He is the one with whom I feel so comfortable to talk most of the personal problem. He'll come back for sure and this poem goes for my beloved friend. I'm missing like anything else in this cold winter.

Thank you Mazhur one again for your time on reading this poem and providing me your view.

With love,
Dibyendra

[mazHur]

Perhaps , one way to turn of your friend could be asking him for some loan,,,,,,,,or simultaneously falling in love with his girl friend ??

[dibyendra]

Untitled
Broken wings,
tied up in chain,
and my hands – handcuffed.
Lying on the bed,
cold and bare,
bleakness in the eyes,
and staring in the dark.
Winter sucks the heat of the blood
till the blood runs cold,
skin turns numb,
and body starts to shiver.

[AuntShecky]

You asked for suggestions and your busybody Aunt Shecky is more than willing to give you some. The first poem is missing, oh, let's steal T.S. Eliot's term and call it an "objective correlative." In other words, the reader could use some CONCRETE image or incident, a metaphor for just what sparked the guilty conscience.
The second, briefer piece, works better, but it looks like 2 separate ideas to me. The first idea ends with "staring in the dark." And by the way, "handcuffs." Really? Was that reference to the disciples of the Marquis de Sade intentional.
the second part of the piece, beginning with "winter" is the best of the lot. Develop that part and see where it leads.
OK?
I hope you realize that these criticisms are meant to be constructive and not disparaging, and I hope you accept them in that spirit.
Your friend,
Auntie
PS I just went back and re-read the first piece. I really like 3 lines out of it: the ones that start with the word "Sorry" THOSE particular lines could evolve into a good piece!

[dibyendra]

You asked for suggestions and your busybody Aunt Shecky is more than willing to give you some. The first poem is missing, oh, let's steal T.S. Eliot's term and call it an "objective correlative." In other words, the reader could use some CONCRETE image or incident, a metaphor for just what sparked the guilty conscience.
The second, briefer piece, works better, but it looks like 2 separate ideas to me. The first idea ends with "staring in the dark." And by the way, "handcuffs." Really? Was that reference to the disciples of the Marquis de Sade intentional.


Thank you so much AuntShecky taking time to go through this poem. Yes, the last Untitled one is not related with the first poem. Oh, I used "handcuffed" because I was feeling so frazzled that night and gloomy feelings were killing me. I couldn't help myself when I was lying on the bed in such a cold night.




the second part of the piece, beginning with "winter" is the best of the lot. Develop that part and see where it leads.
OK?


Okay AuntShecky ! Did you mean this piece ?


Now I can't fly with these broken wings
in this cold winter without a warm company
This winter has been a curse,
and my fingers crossed here desperately...
What's next ?



I hope you realize that these criticisms are meant to be constructive and not disparaging, and I hope you accept them in that spirit.
Your friend,
Auntie


Yes, I will take your comment positively. I appreciate your comment and I'm feeling glad to get such a good comment from you.



PS I just went back and re-read the first piece. I really like 3 lines out of it: the ones that start with the word "Sorry" THOSE particular lines could evolve into a good piece!

Thank you once again AuntShecky for taking time to read my poem and giving me your valuable suggestions.

[jon1jt]

Let me say that I really like this one. It has a smooth, polished feel. The opening is very strong and each line rolls onto the next. There's only two minor bumps I encountered that have more to do with what I stay away from in my own writing. 'the word "sorry"' and 'guilty conscience' and 'could turn back time' are too cliche and sentimentalizing for what you have here.

I liked that Birthday one you wrote as well. I was surprised you were able to write with a voice so brutally honest inthe sense the speaker wore his heart-on-his-sleeve. It soared and sang.

You have acquired a voice and style, an incredible foundation I see. I'm keeping my eye on you, keep them coming.

[dibyendra]

Let me say that I really like this one. It has a smooth, polished feel. The opening is very strong and each line rolls onto the next. There's only two minor bumps I encountered that have more to do with what I stay away from in my own writing. 'the word "sorry"' and 'guilty conscience' and 'could turn back time' are too cliche and sentimentalizing for what you have here.

I liked that Birthday one you wrote as well. I was surprised you were able to write with a voice so brutally honest inthe sense the speaker wore his heart-on-his-sleeve. It soared and sang.

You have acquired a voice and style, an incredible foundation I see. I'm keeping my eye on you, keep them coming.

I'm glad that you liked this one and the poem of birthday as well! Thank you Jon for your kind suggestions which was quite helpful from which I'll consider whenever I get time to work on this poem again. And yes, thank you for your compliments Jon ! :)

Love,
Dibyendra