The Rascal

[ampoule]

The Rascal

Fast food, classy style,
You order, you pay,
you pick it up,
you fill your own drink,
you find your own seat,
but there is a fireplace,
intimate tables, artwork,
blues and jazz,
and classy people
eating paninis and
homemade soups,
healthy salads,
drinking designer coffees,
peering into their laptops,
reading the news and books,
or chatting with a companion.
We eye each other across
the room but you look down
your nose and I look down
mine, you didn't notice me
afterall, and of course,
I certainly didn't notice you.
We sip and sup and play
eye keep-away and I am
through and make a move
to go and notice from the
corner of my eye, the one not
watching you, that you are
standing and I hear you say,
Ready to go? With heat in
my face I am ready to say,
yes, and then I see a hand
take the edge of the table
where you were sitting
and she rises from behind
the wall that was hiding her.
As I leave, you drive past me
in slow motion, your eyes
locked in mine, with a smile,
the car door, your shield.

amp, November TwentySixth, TwoThousandSeven

[mazHur]

smooth and lovely
a one-push peom!

[firefangled]

Nicely done. I like the pace of this.

[blazeofglory]

The Rascal

Fast food, classy style,
You order, you pay,
you pick it up,
you fill your own drink,
you find your own seat,
but there is a fireplace,
intimate tables, artwork,
blues and jazz,
and classy people
eating paninis and
homemade soups,
healthy salads,
drinking designer coffees,
peering into their laptops,
reading the news and books,
or chatting with a companion.
We eye each other across
the room but you look down
your nose and I look down
mine, you didn't notice me
afterall, and of course,
I certainly didn't notice you.
We sip and sup and play
eye keep-away and I am
through and make a move
to go and notice from the
corner of my eye, the one not
watching you, that you are
standing and I hear you say,
Ready to go? With heat in
my face I am ready to say,
yes, and then I see a hand
take the edge of the table
where you were sitting
and she rises from behind
the wall that was hiding her.
As I leave, you drive past me
in slow motion, your eyes
locked in mine, with a smile,
the car door, your shield.

amp, November TwentySixth, TwoThousandSeven


Intriguing and starltling and got my nerves on end and I am really amazed to read these lines, a bit reflective of the way people love or in lov etoday.

[ampoule]

Intriguing and starltling and got my nerves on end and I am really amazed to read these lines, a bit reflective of the way people love or in lov etoday.


Well, it's a strange way for sure. This poem came from watching a man who kept glancing at a woman and I remember how surprised I was when I discovered he was with another woman and she wasn't just a friend. I couldn't see the face of the woman he kept glancing at so I don't know if she returned any of his looks. It made me wonder why he was looking around instead of into the eyes of the woman he was with.

[TheFifthElement]

Wow - really fast paced with an unexpected twist at the end. I love the way you capture the slice of modern life, and the real people in it. I could imagine this taking place at Starbucks, or any other of the (many) coffee houses in the city centre. Really enjoyed this ampoule, thanks :)

[mazHur]

strange experience !
maybe he was impressed or stunned by some 'red glow' radiating from the other woman ?

[chasestalling]

sounds like me

[Scube]

You have beautifully and cleverly captured a life-subtlety!

[Pendragon]

That old twist play at the end is difficult to do yet you executed it like a master! Well done! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/Boguet.gif

[CdnReader]

I love this "thoughts-in-motion" poetry approach, Amp. Very effective. :)

[mazHur]

I love this "thoughts-in-motion" poetry approach, Amp. Very effective. :)

Hey, beware !
"thoughts-in-motion" is the name of my book !

[dibyendra]

Spontaneous poem Amp ! :thumbs_up

[The Rider]

I really liked the pace of this poem. Great Job!

[jon1jt]

i like it top to bottom. Elegantly simple, smooth, wistful, the knight riding off into the sunset. What the voice doesn't say, can't ever say, the eyes make up for in long conversations. :)

[AuntShecky]

Overall, it works.
Nice oxymoron in the opening line, catchy alliteration "sip/sup" and the closing metaphor is the best.
Panini -- nothing but an expensive grilled cheese sandwich putting on airs? Reminds me of the great Mark Twain line: "A cauliflower is nothing but a
cabbage with a college education."
Loved the A.R. Ammons-style little lines!
The only improvement I'd make is to tighten/shorten the whole piece a little.
Nicely done.

[Virgil]

I liked it too Amp. I'm not a fan of twist endings, but if that's how you envision it that's fine. I agree with Aunty and tightening it up. I would get rid of all the conjucntions, and this way it makes it really fast pace. If you'll allow me, see if this is better:


The Rascal

Fast food, classy style,
You order, you pay,
you pick it up,
you fill your own drink,
you find your own seat,
there is a fireplace,
intimate tables, artwork,
blues, jazz;
classy people eating paninis,
homemade soups,
healthy salads,
drinking designer coffees,
peering into their laptops,
reading the news and books,
chatting with a companion.

We eye each other acrossthe room
you look down your nose
I look down mine,
you didn't notice me;
I certainly didn't notice you.

We sip, sup,
play eye keep-away;
I make a move to go,
notice from the corner of my eye,
the one not watching you;
you are standing;
I hear you say,
"Ready to go?"

With heat in my face I am ready to say,
yes, then see a hand
take the edge of the table
where you were sitting;
she rises from behind
the wall.

As I leave, you drive past me
in slow motion, your eyes
locked in mine, with a smile,
the car door, your shield.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The Rascal

Fast food, classy style,
You order, you pay,
you pick it up,
you fill your own drink,
you find your own seat,
but there is a fireplace,
intimate tables, artwork,
blues and jazz,
and classy people
eating paninis and
homemade soups,
healthy salads,
drinking designer coffees,
peering into their laptops,
reading the news and books,
or chatting with a companion.
We eye each other across
the room but you look down
your nose and I look down
mine, you didn't notice me
afterall, and of course,
I certainly didn't notice you.
We sip and sup and play
eye keep-away and I am
through and make a move
to go and notice from the
corner of my eye, the one not
watching you, that you are
standing and I hear you say,
Ready to go? With heat in
my face I am ready to say,
yes, and then I see a hand
take the edge of the table
where you were sitting
and she rises from behind
the wall that was hiding her.
As I leave, you drive past me
in slow motion, your eyes
locked in mine, with a smile,
the car door, your shield.

amp, November TwentySixth, TwoThousandSeven

Beautiful! Scripted by Pinter? All it needed, maybe, was a roly-poly black dude tinkling on the piano:


It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers...

[ampoule]

Panini -- nothing but an expensive grilled cheese sandwich putting on airs? Reminds me of the great Mark Twain line: "A cauliflower is nothing but a
cabbage with a college education."

Good catch Auntie. That's exactly why I chose it for my poem. To me, the whole thing was about putting on airs...the noticing but looking down one's nose. It's just a fancy fast food joint. Those places crack me up, everyone acting so....cool, I guess?

Sorry Virgil. I love twisty endings. I don't plan them. They just happen I guess. Thank you muchos for the suggestions. :)