I saw Jesus in a used appliance store heaving stones

[jon1jt]

this is not a poem

[Caravaggio]

It's very profound and surreal at the same time. I liked the playful almost-random-but-not wording of the thing.

[Xillus_Xavier]

This is not my type of poetry usually but...I don't know, this one really interested me. Of course when you have a title as crazy as this one it tends to grab peoples attention.

I was definately entertained by this piece.

[kiz_paws]

This poem reads well (I read it out loud to get the feel, ya know?). I think my favorite lines were: "Maybe I'm unconnected with the earth lately, caught in a wild pitch, disturbed, torn. "
Yeah, surreal is a good way of putting it, images flow in and out, up and down. Loved it, Jon. :thumbs_up

[ampoule]

"Maybe if flowers opened in November"....I like. That sent me off thinking how, in life, we try to find a little spring in the frozen depths of our winters.
Yes, very profound wanderings and the thought that even Jesus, in his humanness, may have spent idle time, but thinking, always thinking.
Like you say, "God I hate the way this tale is turning out", I hate the way this reply is turning out. I'm lousy at this. But I really like your poem.

[TheFifthElement]

I love this Jon, there's so much in it - the first thing that struck me was this :


I had been too busy minding stars...born when
everything was possible, but the heart closes at its appointed
time. Can I say, 'So it goes,' without a stagger or tumble?

'so it goes' always makes me think of Vonnegut, I'm not sure if that was your intention.

On a second read the poem really opens up and I'd imagine I'd feel different about it every time. It's a very thoughtful poem; as Caravaggio said very surreal. And this :


maybe I thought I wasn't going to make it.

along with 'I wonder' could be your catchphrase ;)

Really enjoyed this poem Jon, I will definitely come back and read it again.

[Virgil]

First I'm a little confused. Is this two poems or is it one with a line underlined.

I'm going to assume two poems because the first one, this:

Heroic people, love, illuminations, the swell of wind.
But it can all change on a dime, you see. I saw Jesus
in a used appliance store heaving stones at Fisher Paykel dishwashers.
Magma was bubbling below the surface, I could feel it in my eyelids.
Faces turned white as God's rib.
"The end is far off, isn't it?" a saleman screamed.

Everything flinches at beauty, and
nothing is inadvertant as love & kissing: not the
waiter who forgot the silverware with my entree,
not my wanderings in the woods, not desire's wolfish
teeth. I was caught in a snowstorm last weekend,
maybe I thought I wasn't going to make it.
Maybe another marriage ends. Maybe I'm
unconnected with the earth lately,
caught in a wild pitch, disturbed, torn.
Maybe if flowers opened in November.

So I take up poetry. It's shallow work,
the poem is play, The poem fails.
The poem means nothing, it may mean nothing.
This has no mercy.

is possibly the best poem I've ever seen on lit net. This right here is outstanding. Every line is absolutely magical (except for one which I'll get to). The openning lines create a wonderful ideal: "Heroic people, love, illuminations, the swell of wind."
Only to be spun under with "But it can all change on a dime, you see " and then the absudly modifying "I saw Jesus/in a used appliance store heaving stones at Fisher Paykel dishwashers." That is soooo imaginative. The rest of the poem resolves the tension you just created. And of course you tell us why, "the poem is play." You are in a state of imaginative play. I do love this so. The only critical line I would have is "Faces turned white as God's rib." "God's rib?" Whenever I see a comparison to something like that I cringe a little. You're trying to reach a perfect analogy to something that is fallaciously Platonic. For instance her eyes were as blue as the eye's of angels. Corny and unreal. Your line may not be as bad since the narrator is in a state of imaginative play, but nonetheless. A great poem there Jon.

I don't care for the other one though.

[blp]

Part way through I got so caught up in it, I forgot about the Jesus thing. Then it came back and I was disappointed. The stuff in the middle is just superb and some of the best I've seen of yours, though I'd take away the underlining and, maybe, integrate that line into a strophe. As it is it looks as if you're saying 'Look at this fantastic line in particular please.' I can't like the Jesus thing because it looks so zany, like something Richard Brautigan might have surprised us with forty years ago, but not so surprising now.

[jon1jt]

i have to run, i'll comment more later. i'll just clear up the confusion---it's one poem virge, the underline is my blunder, it should have been italicized, but i'm going to heed blp's point on that.

[firefangled]

It is at once magical, absurd, surreal and profound (even though I hate that word).

This reminded me of several of the poems in Plath's Ariel, the way it reads real time; you let us hear the machine of imagination. Also like Plath the turns and language are startling. The last two lines one of the best endings I've ever encountered.

[Virgil]

If it's one poem Jon, I would cut it off where I stopped. I don't see what you're adding with the rest, and it doesn't have any intensity.

[AuntShecky]

Do I detect a bit of the influence of the Beat poets in this piece?
The colloquial tone works; as do the specifics.

[Virgil]

Do I detect a bit of the influence of the Beat poets in this piece?
The colloquial tone works; as do the specifics.

:lol: Aunty, Jon is a beat poet wanna-be. (to Jon - :p ) No seriously, Jon loves the Beat poets.

[schadenfreude]

This poem really intrigued me. It was wild and insightful and definitely surreal. I do think that the first half of your poem was better than the second half though, but I cannot explain why. Perhaps it is the intensity of the first few stanzas. However, I especially loved the first two stanzas, and thank you for this captivating poem!

[SleepyWitch]

I kinda agree with Virgil.
on the other hand, I like these lines from the second half, so I don't think you should cut them off

I had been too busy minding stars...born when
everything was possible, but the heart closes at its appointed
time. Can I say, 'So it goes,' without a stagger or tumble?

the final stanza reads like a different poem though

Jesus. I saw Jesus in a used appliance store heaving
stones at Fisher Paykel dishwashers,
where fear was elevated to belief.
I dropped to my hapless, hopeless knees,
my elbows knocked with cold awareness;
I could see my hazy reflection
in the varnished floor, leaning, contorted.
Nightmare faces kissing each other's bad burned mouths.
God I hate the way this tale is turning out.

after all this surrealism and despair (?) of the first half, dropping down on hapless, hopeless knees seems a bit common-place and too concrete after the more general observations or flashback of the middle part.
I suppose you wanted to return to the setting of the first lines (the used applicance store) to round the poem off? I don't think it's necessary, because we don't actually need to see the guy physically dropping to his knees to understand his state of mind.


I was caught in a snowstorm last weekend,
maybe I thought I wasn't going to make it.
Maybe another marriage ends. Maybe I'm
unconnected with the earth lately,
caught in a wild pitch, disturbed, torn.
Maybe if flowers opened in November.
:thumbs_up :eek2: these lines are very powerful

[ampoule]

Isn't that funny? I like the way he uses Jesus in the appliance store. It's like when we, or maybe I should say I, start thinking about one thing and my mind goes off in little directions it often comes back into focus with that first thought.
I'm wondering also, can't stanzas stand as chapters?

[Pendragon]

A most unusual poem that plays unusual pictures in the mind, Jon. I think of the scripture, "Let he that is without sin cast the first stone." Then I get this picture of The Lord throwing rocks in a used appliance store. Which begs the question, Why? Is it a metaphor for all the bad things that go on in this world? A paean against the fact that people can't trust anyone anymore? Even in a store selling second-hand junk, the rocks are flying because of hypocrisy. Or are you making a statement about the sad shape of churches, so that Jesus has to go to a lousy second-hand store to get attention anymore? Deep waters. And an interesting poem. I didn't think I would like it at all. But I think there is a lot of meaning that can be gleaned from it, whether that was your intent or not!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/King.gif

[Virgil]

A most unusual poem that plays unusual pictures in the mind, Jon. I think of the scripture, "Let he that is without sin cast the first stone." Then I get this picture of The Lord throwing rocks in a used appliance store. Which begs the question, Why? Is it a metaphor for all the bad things that go on in this world? A paean against the fact that people can't trust anyone anymore? Even in a store selling second-hand junk, the rocks are flying because of hypocrisy. Or are you making a statement about the sad shape of churches, so that Jesus has to go to a lousy second-hand store to get attention anymore? Deep waters. And an interesting poem. I didn't think I would like it at all. But I think there is a lot of meaning that can be gleaned from it, whether that was your intent or not!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/King.gif

Funny, Pen. I took it as an image criticizing our consumer culture. By the way i love our consumer culture. Ever do laundry without a washing machine? ;) I can't imagine God not wanting us to lead easier lives.

[SleepyWitch]

Funny, Pen. I took it as an image criticizing our consumer culture. By the way i love our consumer culture. Ever do laundry without a washing machine? ;) I can't imagine God not wanting us to lead easier lives.
ever try wiping your *ss without toilet paper ;) :D sorry, I'm just teasing you don't be grumpy. but why did got chuck people out of paradise if he wanted them to have an easy life? (but maybe I got it all wrong due to the evil influence of Protestant RE, maybe I should become a Catholic :) ) *joking*

to get back on topic, I didn't really read this poem as a criticism of anything in particular, but probably that's because I'm daft and didn't get it :)

[Virgil]

ever try wiping your *ss without toilet paper ;) :D sorry, I'm just teasing you don't be grumpy. but why did got chuck people out of paradise if he wanted them to have an easy life? (but maybe I got it all wrong due to the evil influence of Protestant RE, maybe I should become a Catholic :) ) *joking*


:lol: Not grumpy at all. That had me laughing out loud. That toilet paper comment you remember me making a while back. I hope no one here at work heard me and thinks I'm crazy.

[jon1jt]

I'm blown away by the BIG compliments for this one, and inspired. Wow, thank you so much for reading.

The Jesus line, absurd though it is, was the product of some of the thinking in that wonderful interpretation Pen gave. The stones reference was obvious enough. I had hoped it would not be interpreted as a social criticism and it doesn't appear to be the case. I just didn't want to go there. I'm with Virge, I'm not against modern conveniences, 'things' like dishwashers..and um...toilet paper. :lol:

If there's a major flaw it seems to be with the poem's last stanza or so. Sleepy and Virge are on point that I felt I owed it to the reader to resolve. I also assumed (hoped) the reader would share in the last line of the poem, which is really my inner voice expressing the same discontent with returning to the subject and where it was all heading. I guess it didn't resonate to that extent, although fireled special mentioned the last two lines. Thanks, fire.

God I hate the way this tale is turning out.

I'm going to submit this for publication and see what happens. My main concern is that if I end wth the line Virge suggests, 'This has no mercy,' that the poem might feel like it's ending too abruptly and unresolved.

Writing poetry is hard. :p

Any thoughts, or further thoughts appreciated. Thanks again.

[SleepyWitch]

I'm going to submit this for publication and see what happens. My main concern is that if I end wth the line Virge suggests, 'This has no mercy,' that the poem might feel like it's ending too abruptly and unresolved.
.

yep. even though I agreed (and still agree) with Virge, I'm afraid if you just clipped it off like that it would end too abruptly. the last stanza is not bad, it's just not as good as the others :) keep us posted!

[ampoule]

I still like the whole thing. Good luck to you.

[kiz_paws]

I'm going to submit this for publication and see what happens.
Good luck ta ya, Jon! :thumbs_up


Writing poetry is hard. :p

Ain't that the truth? I have a million colourful thoughts but need a loom to weave it all together .... sigh

[ktd222]

Sleepy and Virge are on point that I felt I owed it to the reader to resolve.

Maybe this is just a part of your disposition;) Maybe you should sumbit for publication in Unresolved Mysteries:D

[jon1jt]

Maybe this is just a part of your disposition;) Maybe you should sumbit for publication in Unresolved Mysteries:D

so am i to take it that there is no guarantee in life, ktd?! with the last stanza, without the last stanza, it doesn't matter?? throw the poem to the whims of chance, luck, fate?! :bawling: but...but...:p

[Virgil]

I'm going to submit this for publication and see what happens. My main concern is that if I end wth the line Virge suggests, 'This has no mercy,' that the poem might feel like it's ending too abruptly and unresolved.


For some reason it seems to end naturally at that line for me. Good luck with your submission. Where's Reisa these days? I haven't seen her comment on any poetry or treat us some of hers.

[ktd222]

so am i to take it that there is no guarantee in life, ktd?! with the last stanza, without the last stanza, it doesn't matter?? throw the poem to the whims of chance, luck, fate?! :bawling: but...but...:p

I’m just kidding jon. I was just having some fun. I scrolled through this thread and there popped out “resolved.” This reminded me of the editor comments about one of your poems awhile ago being “too unresolved.” I have not read your poem, so I can’t say I agree or disagree with what’s been said about the last stanza.

[jon1jt]

I’m just kidding jon. I was just having some fun. I scrolled through this thread and there popped out “resolved.” This reminded me of the editor comments about one of your poems awhile ago being “too unresolved.” I have not read your poem, so I can’t say I agree or disagree with what’s been said about the last stanza.

Oh I was only kidding too, sillysilly. Wow you remember that post of mine when I was so upset over that editor's remark?!! I have it hanging on my wall. When I become frustrated or mad, I growl at it! Grrr! :lol:

So let me get this straight: possibly my best poem is hanging in the balance and may remain so because you're withholding your poetic insights on me, having merely scrolled through this thread without not so much as to even read my lil' poem first?!!! :bawling: ;)

[Pendragon]

Jon if it passed me, and I would probably be the harshest critic in a poem with this title, I cannot see that you have a thing to worry about. Virgil, no I live with all the modern conveniences, even if I am a Southern Rebel Redneck from deep Southwest Virginia! Sad to say, most of the Amish people in this area moved out due to hostility from good old boys, who objected to them. I like the folk myself.

Get that poem to a publisher, Jon, and posthaste! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/GIJoe.gif