Long Distance Driver

[TheFifthElement]

This is something I've been working on. I'm not quite happy with it, it definitely needs some work, but I feel like I kind of need to break the back of it before I can move onto something else; that and the overwhelming urge to rhyme which is kind of bugging me at the moment.

I especially dislike the line 'in which he is King', I hated it when I wrote it and I hate it now, but whenever I try to write something else my subconscious takes over and the words 'in which he is King' appear on the page.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, even if the suggestion is 'bin it'!



Long Distance Driver

His finger taps on the wheel
in time to the song
playing on the radio.
He hums a different tune
its origins long forgotten.
It was lost in a layby years ago
before his life stretched out
on this road.

It lives in the rhythm of the
tyres on the road,
the slap of the mud-flaps,
the sway of the load,
the hydraulic sighs,
and fifth wheel that rings,
the omnipresent purr
of the engine rotating.
He is the conductor
changing the beat,
his hand slips the gears,
his foot alters speed.

Long days have sagged
his hips and his jowls; a slow
paced decay over motionless hours.
His face bears the lines
of a tachograph trace,
records speed and distance
and statutory breaks,
nights spent in dark lanes,
days spent alone,
a lonely existence
on this endless road.

Enclosed in his capsule
the world passes by
from village to village,
mile after mile.
He passes through toll roads
and border controls,
over suspension bridges,
and long mountain passes.
He’s seen every town between
Glasgow and Turin, the scenery
changes but remains within
an unalterable country
in which he is King.

His life stretches out
on this lonely road
with cars for companions
the song on the radio,
and the cat’s eyes that wink
from their place in the road,
the slap of the mud-flaps,
the sigh of the load.
He hums out his song
in the days fading light,
slips through the gears
and drives on through the night.

[ampoule]

This is amazing Fifth. I can feel your burning desire to get this down. You have certainly captured what I believe is the way truck drivers may feel.
Now this may sound very silly but for some reason the word kin rather king sounds like a possibility for he is indeed related to the towns, the countryside, everywhere he drives.
I like your rhyme. It sounds natural, almost like wistfully speaking about him, not sing-songy.

[Virgil]

It's a nice ballad, but I don't think the first stanza actually fits the ballad form. Compare this stanza:

It lives in the rhythm of the
tyres on the road,
the slap of the mud-flaps,
the sway of the load,
the hydraulic sighs,
and fifth wheel that rings,
the omnipresent purr
of the engine rotating.
He is the conductor
changing the beat,
his hand slips the gears,
his foot alters speed.
The stanza is organized nicely in that the even numbered lines rhyme and a thought is formed with every two lines. Just look at the first four lines more closely:

It lives in the rhythm of the
tyres on the road,
the slap of the mud-flaps,
the sway of the load,
The even numbered lines have the same number of syllables, along with the rhyme, and that they have less syllables than the odd number lines really pull the stanza and make it close to a tradional ballad form. But look at the first stanza:

His finger taps on the wheel
in time to the song
playing on the radio.
He hums a different tune
its origins long forgotten.
It was lost in a layby years ago
before his life stretched out
on this road.
It's completely out of form. It takes three lines to complete a thought. The metrics are random and there is no rhyme. Plus a guy sitting at the wheel tapping to the music is rather common and just doesn't grab the reader as an openning. The fourth stanza wile better in form, is a little rough to my ear in rhythm.

I like the other stanzas. i think a ballad form is a great idea for this poem. This I think should break into four lines, no?

Long days have sagged
his hips and his jowls; a slow
paced decay over motionless hours.
Like this:

Long [lonely] days have sagged
His hips and his jowls;
A slow paced decay
Over motionless hours.
I added a word to fill the rhythm. I think this has promise fifth.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks ampoule, I like the suggestion of 'kin' not 'king', somehow king seems too crass.

Virgil - thanks so much for the detailed response. I know you already read this on my blog but I'm glad you came back to it here. Yes, I think you're right. When I thought about your comments I wondered if I could make a few small alterations to the second stanza and make it the first, getting rid of the other one entirely. I think that has possibilities.

It's interesting what you say about the form. When I was writing I was trying to resist the tone that was creeping in, the rhymes and the ballad tone, but I see now that it was a hopeless resistence! It does seem to fit, doesn't it.

Thanks again :)

[Caravaggio]

I think the rhythm works well when you're imagining someone driving on the road, as long hours of driving always seemed to have a certian rhythm to them. And, King does seem to very out of place lol.

[firefangled]

Fifth, this is marvelous. The sounds of this are very well assembled. Nothing critical comes to mind at all for me. If you're looking for another line for "in which he is King" my suggestion is "where he reigns as King," but I'm not sure it is any better than what you have done. Very well done!

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is something I've been working on. I'm not quite happy with it, it definitely needs some work, but I feel like I kind of need to break the back of it before I can move onto something else; that and the overwhelming urge to rhyme which is kind of bugging me at the moment.

I especially dislike the line 'in which he is King', I hated it when I wrote it and I hate it now, but whenever I try to write something else my subconscious takes over and the words 'in which he is King' appear on the page.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, even if the suggestion is 'bin it'!



Long Distance Driver

His finger taps on the wheel
in time to the song
playing on the radio.
He hums a different tune
its origins long forgotten.
It was lost in a layby years ago
before his life stretched out
on this road.

It lives in the rhythm of the
tyres on the road,
the slap of the mud-flaps,
the sway of the load,
the hydraulic sighs,
and fifth wheel that rings,
the omnipresent purr
of the engine rotating.
He is the conductor
changing the beat,
his hand slips the gears,
his foot alters speed.

Long days have sagged
his hips and his jowls; a slow
paced decay over motionless hours.
His face bears the lines
of a tachograph trace,
records speed and distance
and statutory breaks,
nights spent in dark lanes,
days spent alone,
a lonely existence
on this endless road.

Enclosed in his capsule
the world passes by
from village to village,
mile after mile.
He passes through toll roads
and border controls,
over suspension bridges,
and long mountain passes.
He’s seen every town between
Glasgow and Turin, the scenery
changes but remains within
an unalterable country
in which he is King.

His life stretches out
on this lonely road
with cars for companions
the song on the radio,
and the cat’s eyes that wink
from their place in the road,
the slap of the mud-flaps,
the sigh of the load.
He hums out his song
in the days fading light,
slips through the gears
and drives on through the night.




I think it works wonderfully well as a ballad, as Virgil obseved, but in order to do so that first stanza serves it very badly. It has nothing of the oomph of the rest of it, nothing of the ceaseless movement movement movement of the long distance driver's life which the rest of the poem replicates.

I have an ex-prof's vendetta against dangling modifiers and wonder if you'd want to let this one stand:


Enclosed in his capsule
the world passes by

[AuntShecky]

What works in this piece is its specificity (is that a word?)
Also the nonintrusive rhythm and rhyme.
Well done.

[TheFifthElement]

I think the rhythm works well when you're imagining someone driving on the road, as long hours of driving always seemed to have a certian rhythm to them. And, King does seem to very out of place lol.

Thanks Caravaggio :) . I'm still uncomfortable with the 'King' line. I'm going to rest on it a few days and come back to it.


Fifth, this is marvelous. The sounds of this are very well assembled. Nothing critical comes to mind at all for me. If you're looking for another line for "in which he is King" my suggestion is "where he reigns as King," but I'm not sure it is any better than what you have done. Very well done!

Hi firefangled - I see you've been busy recently. Thanks for these comments, they mean a great deal coming from you :)


I have an ex-prof's vendetta against dangling modifiers and wonder if you'd want to let this one stand:

Call me fruity if you like, but I kind of like things that dangle ;)


What works in this piece is its specificity (is that a word?)
Also the nonintrusive rhythm and rhyme.
Well done.

I'm pretty sure specificity is a word, but if it wasn't it is now! Thanks Aunt Shecky.