Sleep

[jon1jt]

see my blog.

[white camellia]

"My watery self-portrait love, Sleep.
---Vincent Desiderio"

Loved this line. Is this also a scene from your novel?

[jon1jt]

"My watery self-portrait love, Sleep.
---Vincent Desiderio"

Loved this line. Is this also a scene from your novel?


hell yeah. inspired by my recent foray into the work of desiderio, my new hero of the canvas. thanks, camellia for reading.

[white camellia]

hell yeah. :p inspired by my recent foray into the work of desiderio, my new hero of the canvas. thanks, camellia for reading.

Ahh, yeah, you made it! I'll google his paintings then. It's weird that artworks sometimes have such an intimate way of communing with poetry.

[jon1jt]

Ahh, yeah, you made it! I'll google his paintings then. It's weird that artworks sometimes have such an intimate way of communing with poetry.

i owe spotting Desiderio to a transient Vermont street vendor from whom i bought two 8x24 versions of Sleep. a must-see.

Here's Desiderio's Sleep, but this is the preliminary only. the later one contains 11 or more orgiastic bodies fast asleep, the inspiration of this poem. yum.
http://www.marlboroughgallery.com/ar...r/artwork.html

[ampoule]

Well, Jon, I think I liked your other version better.....JUST KIDDING!
I like that tangled down bodies.

[blp]

Funnily enough, I like it all except for the line camellia cited. But I don't exactly think I'm right. I like using the artist's name at the end very much.

You link don't work for me tho.

[bunker_70]

Its beautiful. I don't know you Jon but i will remember that name :) love it

[Il Penseroso]

I'm actually with blp on this one (with the link too, though I found the painting). These lines:

Left her a note in morning:
"My watery self-portrait love, Sleep"

Just seem very incongruous to me.


I'm more a fan of the

the way light he made to lash across
her neck
she slept.

[TheFifthElement]

Loved this poem Jon, and the painting (though your link didn't work for me either!). Reminds me that I still have a lot of work to do. These lines were particularly striking :


tangled down bodies in shadowed sheets,


The way light he made to lash across
her neck

[PrinceMyshkin]

The man draws up his eyes,

relevant perhaps, as we will learn later, to the fact that the man is an artist? Initially though it starts one off on some comic confusion between his eyes and a chair!


tangled down bodies in shadowed sheets,

Nice turn of phrase, the only one here, but immediately smudged by


elegant frames,

the bodies? or the canvasses? If the former, somewhat at odds with "tangled down"; if the latter, not sufficiently prepared for.


The way light he made to lash across
her neck
she slept.

Mangled syntax does not per se make for an interesting poetic line.

[Scheherazade]

W a r n i n g

Unless you are able to follow the common rules of decency and post sincere comments on each other's poetry, please refrain from posting in this section of the Forum.

Persistence in similar fashion will result in temporary/permanent bans and/or closure of Personal Poetry Section.

[blp]

relevant perhaps, as we will learn later, to the fact that the man is an artist? Initially though it starts one off on some comic confusion between his eyes and a chair!


Or his eyes and the window blind, as in, draw up the blind, which would make a lot of sense. Comic confusion and poetic ambiguity are never too far apart, Prince.

[jon1jt]

relevant perhaps, as we will learn later, to the fact that the man is an artist? Initially though it starts one off on some comic confusion between his eyes and a chair!



Nice turn of phrase, the only one here, but immediately smudged by



the bodies? or the canvasses? If the former, somewhat at odds with "tangled down"; if the latter, not sufficiently prepared for.



Mangled syntax does not per se make for an interesting poetic line.




Prince: Fair enough. let me start with your last line about my "mangled syntax." the simple answer is that my mind is mangled most of the time, prince. my poetry is the product. i haven't a clue what makes an interesting poetic line. we know it when we see it. at this moment my mind is mangled by infraction points, but i'm more interested in your comments so let's move on.

now, what do you mean, 'chair'??? i don't know what you're talking about, honestly. it's what blp said, the eyes 'draw' in L1 as do blinds---recall the context: it's morning, the man wakes, the man considers. blinds signify windows/eyes---morning light flooding in, as Desiderio develops light into something amazing visually.

as far as your guess about the 'elegant frames' line, perhaps it's what you think. or perhaps elegant frames simply represent a mental image that the man is conjuring of himself and his lover in bed that moment, that vision which becomes the creative 'spark' for his Sleep painting, the giving of his naked soul in sheets. ;) in art we give a part of ourselves, no?

thank you for taking the time to read, prince.

IP/blp: i see what you mean about the last line. i actually intended that one. oops! perhaps blp has come around to...ahem...change his mind about it?? lol! thanks guys.

Fifth: sorry about the link not working and all. i am going to try to scan and post the one i have here. thanks for stopping by, much appreciated.

ampoule: oh so you liked that other one, huh?! lol! thanks!

bunker70: thank you.

[Virgil]

The man draws up his eyes, considers
tangled down bodies in shadowed sheets,
elegant frames, asleep.
The way light he made to lash across
her neck
she slept. Left her a note in morning:
"My watery self-portrait love, Sleep.
---Vincent Desiderio"


any comments 'preciated.

It seems incomplete. I guess you're relying on our knowledge of a Desiderio work to round out the thought. I too like the phrase, "tangled down bodies in shadowed sheets" and the line "My watery self-portrait love, Sleep." Without the artist name at the end, I think this would definitely be fragmented. Perhaps that's what you're after. Isn't "lash" too strong and violent a verb for a sort of loving sleep? It definitely stands out.

I had never heard of Vincent Desiderio. Actually when I first read it I thought it was an alter ego you created, sort of like Sal Paradise. ;) I looked him up and his work does seem interesting.

[SleepyWitch]

tangled down bodies in shadowed sheets,
elegant frames, asleep.

I like the flow of these lines, jon.



The way light he made to lash across
her neck
she slept.

about "mangled syntax", I don't think there's anything wrong with it in principle. but these lines tripped my little language processor over and no matter how hard I try, I can't figure out which is the verb and which the object in this sentence. The effect of this is that I have to pause and think about it. If this is the line you consider most important, it's a good idea to make readers pause and think about it. But if the "mangled syntax" was not intended to have this effect in this case, then you may want to consider that it can trip readers up and draw attention away from the other lines. :confused: no offence

[jon1jt]

http://i235.photobucket.com/albums/ee6/jimmylane/VINCENTDESIDERIO2.jpg

Vincent Disiderio's Sleep

[Virgil]

I see the image, and I do find that painting fascinating. Actually it just reminded me: time for bed. :lol:

[kiz_paws]

The image works fine for me, Jon, thanks so much for posting it.

BTW, when you mentioned following Kathy's instructions.... PANG ... I realize just how much she is missed around here.

Anyhow, cheers, you have shed new light on your latest favorite artist, bet he'd be honored about the prose. ;)

[Sweets America]

I had trouble to understand the poem at first, but now that I have reread it several times, I must say there is something in it which I like very much. Some kind of mystery.
To me, it's obvious that the 'elegant frames' represent the bodies. Now about the strange lines:
The way light he made to lash across
her neck
she slept.
I understood that it was about the way the man painted, the way he painted the light falling on the woman's neck as she slept. Maybe I'm wrong, though.
I like the ending, with the little note.
That's an interesting poem.

[SleepyWitch]

why are there so many people sleeping in the same bed? :D :confused:

[jon1jt]

why are there so many people sleeping in the same bed? :D :confused:


they're doing a rap video. :p


It seems incomplete. I guess you're relying on our knowledge of a Desiderio work to round out the thought. I too like the phrase, "tangled down bodies in shadowed sheets" and the line "My watery self-portrait love, Sleep." Without the artist name at the end, I think this would definitely be fragmented. Perhaps that's what you're after. Isn't "lash" too strong and violent a verb for a sort of loving sleep? It definitely stands out.

as far as relying on the reader's knowledge of Desiderio's work, i was hoping that the poem might make sense either way. when a lover departs in morning, i was reminded how they do in some sense leave behind a watery self-portrait in the form of smell, taste...the rumpled sheets, etc. perhaps my experience is too personal to be shared with the reader, but i'm hopeful there are others out there who've had a similiar moment.


I had never heard of Vincent Desiderio. Actually when I first read it I thought it was an alter ego you created, sort of like Sal Paradise. I looked him up and his work does seem interesting.

:lol: :lol: Sal Paradise is such a cool name, isn't it?!! i'm going to post my alter ego's name in a separate thread and hopefully get everybody's thoughts whether it works or not.


Isn't "lash" too strong and violent a verb for a sort of loving sleep? It definitely stands out.

love is strong and violent too. :p


I see the image, and I do find that painting fascinating. Actually it just reminded me: time for bed.

you naughty sailor you. :lol:


about "mangled syntax"...[the way light he made to lash across her neck, she slept] these lines tripped my little language processor over and no matter how hard I try, I can't figure out which is the verb and which the object in this sentence. The effect of this is that I have to pause and think about it. If this is the line you consider most important, it's a good idea to make readers pause and think about it. But if the "mangled syntax" was not intended to have this effect in this case, then you may want to consider that it can trip readers up and draw attention away from the other lines. no offence

i understand what you're saying, i don't get it right all the time. i'd like to believe that the whole is larger than the sum of its parts and that it's the experience in itself that's lost as quickly as the totality of the poem being read. i dunno.



BTW, when you mentioned following Kathy's instructions.... PANG ... I realize just how much she is missed around here.

she just up and vanished, huh? people are like that, sometimes. it's all the moon's fault with all her crazy phases i tell ya! :p


Anyhow, cheers, you have shed new light on your latest favorite artist, bet he'd be honored about the prose.

i can only hope that he would think it relevant that we're carrying on about his work in this context.


i had trouble to understand the poem at first, but now that I have reread it several times, I must say there is something in it which I like very much. Some kind of mystery.
To me, it's obvious that the 'elegant frames' represent the bodies. Now about the strange lines:
The way light he made to lash across
her neck
she slept.
I understood that it was about the way the man painted, the way he painted the light falling on the woman's neck as she slept. Maybe I'm wrong, though.
I like the ending, with the little note.
That's an interesting poem.

i admire your open mind, sweets, your comments simply sweet. i appreciate that you reread it like that, thank you.