Pieces

[CdnReader]

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Pieces

From a distance
I see you move through your life
with careful deliberation....
pretending that you are alone...
pretending that you don't see me watching.

I keep to the edges,
counting steps along the periphery,
I worry about falling off the edge
while you are busy with other things.

I trace my way through the maze you created,
balancing on a thin edge of unreality.
I know you've never strayed this far,
yet the thread of your being here connects me
to times that have never been.

Your centre
has drifted
away.

I pick up all my pieces,
absentmindedly pairing up the ones with interlocking sides.
No one sees me leave.

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cdn/15nov07
.

[Sweets America]

Oh Donna this is sad. Being in the shadows, loving someone that does not see us or doesn't want to. I find the poem very complete about the feelings it depicts. I love the last line.

[amanda_isabel]

i love the whole interlocking pieces thing. wow. your works never cease to move, cdn.

[ampoule]

There is a puzzle here, right? Now, when I first read this, and even the second time, I didn't think of love as in a significant other but rather of a friend or relative or even a new acquaintance. You can see the things they are doing, finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together, adding two and two so to say, but then your very last line makes me think I haven't a clue.
I really like it Cdn. Would you like to explain?

[symphony]

This is such a nice poem, and yet it has that puzzling tone that amp mentioned. Explanation please? :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

.

Pieces

From a distance
I see you move through your life
with careful deliberation....
pretending that you are alone...
pretending that you don't see me watching.

I keep to the edges,
counting steps along the periphery,
I worry about falling off the edge
while you are busy with other things.

I trace my way through the maze you created,
balancing on a thin edge of unreality.
I know you've never strayed this far,
yet the thread of your being here connects me
to times that have never been.

Your centre
has drifted
away.

I pick up all my pieces,
absentmindedly pairing up the ones with interlocking sides.
No one sees me leave.

.
cdn/15nov07
.


Somehow I kind of want to see that last line dead! It seems to me a more overt cry for sympathy than the beautifully objective observations that precede it, which are like the work of a scrupulous scientist, far more concerned with the accuracy of her observations than with the state of mind of the observer.

A wonderful poem, surely one of your very best!

[Sweets America]

Somehow I kind of want to see that last line dead! It seems to me a more overt cry for sympathy than the beautifully objective observations that precede it, which are like the work of a scrupulous scientist, far more concerned with the accuracy of her observations than with the state of mind of the observer.

A wonderful poem, surely one of your very best!

I disagree, I love the last line! I didn't see it as self-pity, but more as a statement of how things are, and the fact that it won't change. To me, it shows how the speaker is just like a shadow.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I disagree, I love the last line! I didn't see it as self-pity, but more as a statement of how things are, and the fact that it won't change. To me, it shows how the speaker is just like a shadow.

Well, we have one very strong vote in favour of that last line & one very strong vote against it. Ampoule on the other hand found it interesting but something of a puzzle. I would love to see others weigh in especially if they have strong feelings about it one way or the other.

[CdnReader]

Sweets and Amanda, thanks so much for your comments. I'm glad you like this poem.

Amp and Symphony, yes, there is more to this poem than what it at first appears to be. The only explanation I can offer is to say that it's about a relationship that doesn't fit any of the usual moulds. Beyond that, I leave it to you to interpret as you see fit. :)

Jer, I've looked at this poem many times over the last few days. I'm dissatisfied with parts of it, and will likely make some changes and deletions. However, the last line is an integral part, and it stays. ;)

[CdnReader]

I've made a few changes to this one. I'm a little more satisfied with it now. :)

* * * * *

Pieces

From a distance
I see you move through your life
with careful deliberation….
pretending that you are alone…
pretending that you don’t see me watching.

I stay on the outskirts,
counting steps as I dance along the periphery,
but I worry about falling off the edge
while you are busy with other things.

I trace my way through the maze you created,
balancing on the fringes of nowhere.
I know you’ve never ventured this far out,
yet the thread of your not being here
still connects me to what never happened.

You have drifted
far left of centre.

I pick up all the pieces of me
strewn along the path behind,
absentmindedly pairing up
the interlocking sides.

No one sees me leave.

* * * * *

[NikolaiI]

This is absolutely lovely. I like the re-write better. . . definitely reminds me of a lot of things - especially the maze part, of an experience I had. . anyway - such a beautiful poem. Since Jer asked for more opinions on the last line, I'll have to say it fits very well - it's sort of a goodbye at the end of the poem. . although Prince hasn't commented on the re-write, it would be nice to see him come back some day.