From Dusk Till Dawn

[dibyendra]

Please read this updated version. It would be great if I could get views regarding this poem. Thank you !
Cheers,
Dibyendra


Dusk Till Dawn

The sinking Sun,
on the other side of the horizon,
hides it's presence,
subduing its intense brightness and heat,
makes a sweet goodbye,
leaving a moment of twilight,
filling the sky with deep orange glow
where clouds on the horizon remain there for a moment
decorated with dazzling colors:
scarlet, apricot, saffron, and ochre,
and flock of birds rush their home
passing the ribbons of colors by
making a chirping sound.

Dusk slowly turns into a placid night,
fills an infinite sky
with lustrous Stars - shining intermittently,
traveling celestial bodies,
the crescent Moon,
and the Milky Ways, they seem
river of fire in the open sky.

Silently, night turns into the crack of the dawn
when the Sun floats on the horizon.
Trilling, whistling, warbling, cooing of birds, and the birdsongs,
make such a gratifying ambience in the morning.
As Sun starts rising from the horizon,
the glory of the morning sunshine
greets by reaching every corners,
and wakes the sleeping world,
whispering "The day has just begun".


Previous Version

Dusk Till Dawn

The sinking Sun, on the other side of the horizon,
hides it's presence,
subduing it's intense brightness and heat,
makes a sweet goodbye,
leaving a moment of twilight,
filling the sky with deep orange glow,
where clouds on the horizon remain there for a moment
decorated with dazzling colors:
scarlet, apricot, saffron, and ochre,
and flock of songbirds flies
passing the ribbons of colors by, with a musical sound.

Dusk slowly turns into a placid night,
filling an endless sky
with lustrous Stars shining intermittently,
traveling celestial bodies,
the crescent Moon,
and the Milky Ways, they seem
river of fire in the open sky.

Silently, night turns into the crack of the dawn
when the Sun floats on the horizon,
filling it with the glory of the morning sunshine,
wakes the sleeping world
radiating rays in every corners
whispering the day has begun.

[dibyendra]

Any critics, suggestions, comments are welcome. Thank you !

Regards,
Dibyendra

[TheFifthElement]

Dibyendra, this is definitely my favourite poem from you so far, so beautiful and colourful and with some fantastic imagery. There are many lovely lines here, it's hard to single any out, though these really caught my attention:


the crescent Moon,
and the Milky Ways, they seem
river of fire in the open sky.

'river of fire' - lovely :)

I also loved these lines :


The sinking Sun, on the other side of the horizon,
hides it's presence,


whispering the day has begun

The whole poem pulls together really well. :thumbs_up

[dibyendra]

Thank you so much Fifth for appreciating this poem.

I have made few changes in first stanza and little more changes in third stanza.

Here it goes :


Dusk Till Dawn

The sinking Sun,
on the other side of the horizon,
hides it's presence,
subduing it's intense brightness and heat,
makes a sweet goodbye,
leaving a moment of twilight,
filling the sky with deep orange glow
where clouds on the horizon remain there for a moment
decorated with dazzling colors:
scarlet, apricot, saffron, and ochre,
and flock of birds rush their home
passing the ribbons of colors by
making a chirping sound.

Dusk slowly turns into a placid night,
fills an infinite sky
with lustrous Stars - shining intermittently,
traveling celestial bodies,
the crescent Moon,
and the Milky Ways, they seem
river of fire in the open sky.

Silently, night turns into the crack of the dawn
when the Sun floats on the horizon.
Trilling, whistling, warbling, cooing of birds, and the birdsongs,
make such a gratifying ambience in the morning.
As Sun starts rising from the horizon,
the glory of the morning sunshine
greets by reaching every corners,
and wakes the sleeping world,
whispering "The day has just begun".

Hoping to get views regarding this one too...

Cheers :) ,
Dibyendra

[TheFifthElement]

I like both versions dibyendra. I like the way you've tied the birds back in with the second version, and that last line is lovely :


whispering "The day has just begun"

[dibyendra]

I like both versions dibyendra. I like the way you've tied the birds back in with the second version, and that last line is lovely :

I'm very glad to hear from you again Fifth. I'm glad that you found new version interesting as well. Thank you so much Fifth !

[blazeofglory]

Please read this updated version. It would be great if I could get views regarding this poem. Thank you !
Cheers,
Dibyendra


Dusk Till Dawn

The sinking Sun,
on the other side of the horizon,
hides it's presence,
subduing it's intense brightness and heat,
makes a sweet goodbye,
leaving a moment of twilight,
filling the sky with deep orange glow
where clouds on the horizon remain there for a moment
decorated with dazzling colors:
scarlet, apricot, saffron, and ochre,
and flock of birds rush their home
passing the ribbons of colors by
making a chirping sound.

Dusk slowly turns into a placid night,
fills an infinite sky
with lustrous Stars - shining intermittently,
traveling celestial bodies,
the crescent Moon,
and the Milky Ways, they seem
river of fire in the open sky.

Silently, night turns into the crack of the dawn
when the Sun floats on the horizon.
Trilling, whistling, warbling, cooing of birds, and the birdsongs,
make such a gratifying ambience in the morning.
As Sun starts rising from the horizon,
the glory of the morning sunshine
greets by reaching every corners,
and wakes the sleeping world,
whispering "The day has just begun".


Previous Version

Dusk Till Dawn

The sinking Sun, on the other side of the horizon,
hides it's presence,
subduing it's intense brightness and heat,
makes a sweet goodbye,
leaving a moment of twilight,
filling the sky with deep orange glow,
where clouds on the horizon remain there for a moment
decorated with dazzling colors:
scarlet, apricot, saffron, and ochre,
and flock of songbirds flies
passing the ribbons of colors by, with a musical sound.

Dusk slowly turns into a placid night,
filling an endless sky
with lustrous Stars shining intermittently,
traveling celestial bodies,
the crescent Moon,
and the Milky Ways, they seem
river of fire in the open sky.

Silently, night turns into the crack of the dawn
when the Sun floats on the horizon,
filling it with the glory of the morning sunshine,
wakes the sleeping world
radiating rays in every corners
whispering the day has begun.

Dib, this poem is really expressive of what we deeply and profoundly feel when we are in the lap of nature, closely tied up with the string of love.

You have used beautiful fibres of nature, with equisite elements of like, assorted sounds of birds, colors of flowers all give an amazing comingling of all of them to be birthed into really an appealing poem.

I have read several of your poems, and indeed there is an advancement of your writing, each surpassing the other, refined and embelished, of course.

Keep up the cadence of it. I see enormous potentials in you, indeed a great resoirvoir of words and spring of ideas. You will emerge colosally as a great poet from Nepal writing in English.

Dib, have you read the Prophet of Khalil Gibran. Your poems are really naturalistic, and if you read of Gibran you will find a world of mystics that blend your poems with something mystical, and once you synthesize both, nature and mysticism or give a synchrony of both, your poem will get extra bueauty.
Dib, this is just my opinion, as a friend on the forum. Do not take it differently. I do reserve the right to write thid much in my capacity as a friend, Do't I ?

[Pendragon]

Your color choices sold me on the poem, Dibby. That type of color choices shows the eye of an artist, which the constuction of your poem confirms whole-heartly. What is a poet except an artist that paints with words instead of colors? I agree with Fifth, your best yet!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Artist.gif

[dibyendra]

Dib, this poem is really expressive of what we deeply and profoundly feel when we are in the lap of nature, closely tied up with the string of love.

You have used beautiful fibres of nature, with equisite elements of like, assorted sounds of birds, colors of flowers all give an amazing comingling of all of them to be birthed into really an appealing poem.

I have read several of your poems, and indeed there is an advancement of your writing, each surpassing the other, refined and embelished, of course.

Keep up the cadence of it. I see enormous potentials in you, indeed a great reservoir of words and spring of ideas. You will emerge colosally as a great poet from Nepal writing in English.

Thanks a ton Blaze for such an inspiring comment and appreciating my effort as well. I usually see lots of comments from you in this forum and they are profoundly written as well. And your comment really inspired me to write more Blaze. Thank you so much Blaze for your such kind words and appreciating my efforts.


Dib, have you read the Prophet of Khalil Gibran. Your poems are really naturalistic, and if you read of Gibran you will find a world of mystics that blend your poems with something mystical, and once you synthesize both, nature and mysticism or give a synchrony of both, your poem will get extra bueauty.

Oh, I haven’t read poems from Khalil Gibran yet. Thank you so much Blaze for suggesting me what to read for generating new ideas on writing. I will soon read poems from Khalil Gibran.

Dib, this is just my opinion, as a friend on the forum. Do not take it differently. I do reserve the right to write thid much in my capacity as a friend, Do't I ?
Yes indeed Blaze, this is why we are here for to share ideas, views, and our creations. Here we are students and we learn here by reading other’s work, taking ideas, sharing ideas and by making effort to create our own creations. Poetry is an art and just like an artist portrays his/her imagination in the form of art, poet portrays his/her imagination in the form of poem.

[dibyendra]

Your color choices sold me on the poem, Dibby.
Oh, really Pen ? I’m glad that you loved the choice of color which I painted in this poem.

That type of color choices shows the eye of an artist, which the constuction of your poem confirms whole-heartly. What is a poet except an artist that paints with words instead of colors?
So true Pen... I’m sure that the beauty of this colorful and glorious nature surely strike all of us as a muse time after time and what poet can do is just choose a colorful words from the reservoir of words to paint his/her imagination, emotions, desires, inspirations etc. by feeling the grand beauty of this nature.

I agree with Fifth, your best yet!
Oh, I was not expecting this but anyway I’m glad to hear that Pen.

Thank you Fifth, Blaze, and Pen for your opinions regarding this poem.

Best,
Dibyendra

[AuntShecky]

In line 3 "It's" should be "its."
"It's" is a contraction for it is. "Its" (no apostrophe) is
the possessive pronoun which I think you meant.

[dibyendra]

In line 3 "It's" should be "its."
"It's" is a contraction for it is. "Its" (no apostrophe) is
the possessive pronoun which I think you meant.

Thank you so much AuntShecky for correcting the error. And what do you think about this poem Aunt ?

Thank you again !
Cheers,
Dibyendra