If I Had Wings..... ~ Opinions accepted

[Angelic Devil]

Hiya,
It's been a long while since I've written something eeeep, but this has come to my mind a week ago, out of nowhere : ), please comment, it will only make a person happier if you do :D coz I know there are a billion mess-ups in this one eeeep! Well, here:

If I had wings....

If I had wings
I would soar away into the distance
Far, be gone in an instance
Do not question me for my intentions
For words can no longer describe my actions

I'd spread them far and wide
Across the lands, I can no longer hide
The shadows will sweep across what lies beneath
For my wings are a disturbance for what is underneath

I'd stretch my arms far into space
Touch the droplets of rain on my face
Hold on to this memory forever
For its tenderness makes me feel closer

I'll smile
If it only be for this little while
I'd shed every tear I once held in
Wishing that everything would be as it once has been


If I had wings
I'll forever keep flying
Way up high, deep down low, finding, trying
Searching amongst the ruins for that memory
That one glimpse away from my misery

The wind shall burden my journey
My soul might become weary
And my feathers will begin to fall
But I will fly, and fly tall

For My pride, my heart
My emotions that won't depart
For My white pure wings
And my peaceful voice that sings

Sings a song to redeem what has been forgotten
A hymn to those who's time set fallen
For my wings have fallen, fallen under
My feathers.. My remains.. gone, gone forever

If I had wings..
If I had wings..




Thanks,
Angelic Devil ;) ^^

[dibyendra]

I really enjoyed your poem Angelic. Good imagination as well.

These lines are quite interesting


The wind shall burden my journey
My soul might become weak slowly
And my feathers will begin to fall
But I will fly, and fly tall

We can compare our life with our potential with the "wings" and we can take the "wind" as the obstacles, which is an inevitable part of life.

:thumbs_up

[Angelic Devil]

I really enjoyed your poem Angelic. Good imagination as well.

These lines are quite interesting


The wind shall burden my journey
My soul might become weak slowly
And my feathers will begin to fall
But I will fly, and fly tall

We can compare our life with our potential with the "wings" and we can take the "wind" as the obstacles, which is an inevitable part of life.

:thumbs_up


thanks alot for your comment, : D /happy

[Angelic Devil]

only one comment lol~ :(

[Pendragon]

Nice poem or song, as it has enough rythum that by the end my fingers were begining to play air-guitar.

Only one small problem I can see:



If I had wings
I would sail away into the distance
Far, be gone this instance
Do not question me for my intentions
For words can no longer describe my actions


where you have instance, the word should be instant. You are speaking of a moment in time, not an example. It is close enough for slant rhyme, which merely means that when read it will sound close enough for the rhyme even though it isn't perfect. Not a bad slip-up at all, especially if English isn't your first language!

I like the poem/song. I could play it on my guitar, I think. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[PrinceMyshkin]

You might come up with more powerful lines if you weren't obliged to rhyme them.

[ampoule]

Some nice lines. Your title immediately had me singing Tiny Sparrow.

[Angelic Devil]

Nice poem or song, as it has enough rythum that by the end my fingers were begining to play air-guitar.

Only one small problem I can see:



where you have instance, the word should be instant. You are speaking of a moment in time, not an example. It is close enough for slant rhyme, which merely means that when read it will sound close enough for the rhyme even though it isn't perfect. Not a bad slip-up at all, especially if English isn't your first language!

I like the poem/song. I could play it on my guitar, I think. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

tbh, i realized something lol I knew it was instant, but my head was like following up the rythm and forgot about that later on loool

Well thanks mate : D go play it on guitar and play it for me :X

[soumyakans]

Hi Angelic Devil,
Beautiful thoughts penned into a fabulous poem. The analogy is astounding. But Why "If i had wings"..i say, you can attach a set of wings and do all that you've stated you wish to do in the poem :-)

- Soumya

[Angelic Devil]

Hi Angelic Devil,
Beautiful thoughts penned into a fabulous poem. The analogy is astounding. But Why "If i had wings"..i say, you can attach a set of wings and do all that you've stated you wish to do in the poem :-)

- Soumya

thank you : ) <3

[Angelic Devil]

I always like to go back in time and look at what I wrote a few years back. It astounds me that sometimes nothing has changed, or did everything change? I wonder..

Sorry for the very random reply.

Cheers,
M

[Bar22do]

I also like your poem, AD, and can hear the music (that composes itself in my mind as I read, even though I too would prefer the piece not to be rhymed).

[milenanik3]

I love Your poem very much.Using words as You love them.Rytham is good.I can almost imagine Your wings.

[Delta40]

When I read 'If I had wings' I steeled myself but I rather like your vivid description and wisdoms. However like Prince said, it may read even better without the rhyme.