Life or Death?

[manny2]

cruel pain shooting through you
piercing needles through your layers of skin
into the vein pops a hole
to flow those fluids in you

laying there looking around
in a dazed confusion
of who you are, where you are
everythings a blur

Wheeled around the white room
into a room with men dressed in blue
sewing up the holes in your body
to stop the blood flowing out to the floor

watching the machines carefully
the beeps at a steady pace
all the sudden dropping to nothing
a flat line soon to come

all that work done
for nothing
this body lays emotionless
sewed up and ready to go
only to the morgue.

[ampoule]

this body lays emotionless
sewed up and ready to go
only to the morgue.

The word emotionless changed this whole poem for me. Very interesting.

[TheFifthElement]

I agree with ampoule, the 'emotionless' point is really striking.

I think this is a poem with great potential manny, the emotion and subject matter is very strong. I would be inclined to chop it down a little, somehow I feel that this would make it starker still, but as always with these things this is just my opinion, feel free to ignore anything which changes what the poem is to you.



cruel pain, piercing needle
shoots through skin layers.
Pops a hole into your vein
flow the fluids in.

Look around
in dazed confusion
who you are, where you are
everything's a blur

Wheel around white room
to a room with men in blue.
Sew the holes in your body
stop the blood flow to the floor.

Watch the machines,
beep at steady pace.
A sudden drop,
a flat line.

All for nothing,
this body emotionless.
Sewed up,
morgue-ready.

[manny2]

i do like your version of it, its very intense... ill probably end up throwing some of what you have into it : )