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View Full Version : Could somebody critique my story?



PsychoBeth
11-03-2007, 11:52 AM
Please?

The Face in My Oatmeal

The first time I saw him was in my oatmeal. I sat down to eat breakfast and there was this soggy looking, distorted face in my oatmeal. This was pretty strange, because I’d never seen faces in my oatmeal before, I had in soup, but that was just my face. You see, most people don’t wake up thinking they’re going to see somebody in their oatmeal, so I felt a little sick. But what really made me think it was strange was when that gooey face started talking. The voice was pretty gross and guttural and hard to understand, probably because it was swimming in my oatmeal, and it’s hard to talk clearly when you’re under liquid-y substances. I listened politely to his gurgling, nodding every so often, or adding in a ‘well is that so?’ when I thought it necessary. When I first saw that face, the thought did cross my mind to try and stir the oatmeal, to get it to go way, but I figured that might be somewhat a cruel thing to do. The problem was that face wouldn’t stop talking, and I didn’t feel like sticking a spoon into his head to eat that oatmeal, truthfully, I kind of lost my appetite. I decided I had better ask that face for a name, or else I’d feel pretty awkward, I at least wanted to know what to call him. His response to my question was a gurgle-y ‘Albwed’ I figured that meant ‘Alfred’. It was hard to understand Alfred’s chatter, but he made a great companion on lonely nights.

PsychoBeth
11-03-2007, 02:26 PM
Pretty Please?

Captain Pike
11-03-2007, 04:15 PM
Very imaginative, innovative. It's fiction, right? That would be good, if it were fiction, I think.

I once saw an old friend's face in the dregs of my coffee cup. It never said a thing.

It was great. You could definitely build on a thing like this. Like maybe, it never shows up when anyone else is around. You start evolving this relationship. Maybe it tells you things, secret terrible things, that you could use to your disadvantage. Develop

Naya Cos
11-05-2007, 09:51 PM
You know PsychoBeth, I used to make a living as professional 'reader' of tea-leaves in a past life, (misread my mother-in-law's noon tea, she cursed me to be reborn as a programmer), so I never stop seeing faces in things I am about to eat either. As a cure, I visit websites like 'faces in places' but still-life doesn't seem to help. It's such a treat to have someone deal head on with something edible that talks!! And what a great starting line too!
I agree with the Captain above, there is something there, you should run with it.
Embellish it, personalize it more, don't comment - just show and describe. Put yourself more into the mood and the morning, like what you were going to do, your other breakfast items. What about other days, the table, the silverware, what was the bowl like, etc, etc. Try and not editorialize, though. You will have a fun piece. I look forward to it. Write it!! Pretty please:D

Naya Cos
11-05-2007, 10:14 PM
You see, most people don’t wake up thinking they’re going to see somebody in their oatmeal, so ...

.. and it’s hard to talk clearly when you’re under liquid-y substances.

...but he made a great companion on lonely nights.

Ok, I just figured out how 'quote' feature of reply works, so..
You could easily cut out what I quoted above. They are a bit too directly stated.

On the other hand, the following are specially cool:


I listened politely..


I at least wanted to know what to call him.

Finally, you promise this little mystery here, so why not followup?


companion on lonely nights

PsychoBeth
11-10-2007, 05:40 PM
Thank you both, I plan to work on it.

AuntShecky
11-12-2007, 11:40 AM
Original and funny, perhaps satirizing the nutcases who log on to online auction sites and attempt to sell food items with faces appearing on them. I also appreciated the brevity of this story. If it had been entered in the short story competition, I would have voted for it.

manolia
11-12-2007, 12:09 PM
Hehehe very funny. Well done Psychobeth :thumbs_up