I remember

[Sweets America]

I remember


I remember you, Philippine,
Riding your white horse on freeways,
Your fair hair floating like the proud flag
Of my beloved country.
Where have you been all these years?
Hiding in my dreams, with Nicolas?
Unreachable and as quickly vanished
As the two a.m. snow dying with each of my footsteps
As I was dancing with the moon
In the company of a former friend...

How warm snow feels when handed to a friend!
How bright night is when walked through hand in hand!

I remember you, sweet Nan’
When you were alive and protecting the walls of my mind
From the sharpest self-doubts;
I remember your voice, so similar to mine,
Somehow more masculine and
Embracing my body with delicate fur.

Now
Anxiously waiting for new souvenirs that might never come
I remember you all, and I waste my time
In restless pain
I cry in vain

I need a friend

Will You accept
To help me mend?

[PrinceMyshkin]

I remember


I remember you, Philippine,
Riding your white horse on freeways,
Your fair hair floating like the proud flag
Of my beloved country.
Where have you been all those years?
Hiding in my dreams, with Nicolas?
Unreachable and as quickly vanished
As the two a.m. snow dying with each of my footsteps
As I was dancing with the moon
In the company of a former friend...

How warm snow feels when handed to a friend!
How bright night is when walked through hand in hand!

I remember you, sweet Nan’
When you were alive and protecting the walls of my mind
From the sharpest self-doubts;
I remember your voice, so similar to mine,
Somehow more masculine and
Embracing my body with delicate fur.

Now
Anxiously waiting for new souvenirs that might never come
I remember you all, and I waste my time
In restless pain
I cry in vain

I need a friend

Will You accept
To help me mend?

I understand from what you have told me that you are not perfectly satisfied with this, but though it is marvellous, your dissatisfaction might be the inevitable writer's curse - that what one puts down is never quite the whole of what one felt to begin with, the words feel crude or inexact compared with the nuances they were meant to capture... and in this case you are apparently reaching for vanished or imagined souls and their essence is their unreachableness. The very raison d'etre of this poem, it may be, is to keep you dissatisfied, longing... The hunger and dissatisfaction we feel after EVERY poem we write is the impetus for the next one. And the lyrical flow of this, its faithfulness to a speaking voice, is wonderful.

I made one suggestion above in red.

[blp]

I really love the beginning with the horse and the freeway, which is like some great, mythic hallucination. Lots to like as it goes on too. I'm for the line about walking through night, but the warm snow line is greeting cardsy and the end is both ungrammatical ('accept to' is not a correct construction. 'agree to' would be) and very weak with its friend/mend pain/vain rhymes and telly, unimaginative descriptions of yearning. It would be stronger if you cut it off at 'waste my time', though I guess that might not do the job you want to do.

[symphony]

I disagree to what blp said up there to some degree. Actually i dont think every poem by a person's got to have qualitative or poetic excellence. There should be some in which the poet wont care about making it a poem at all, in which one would just grab a pen and let the emotions get the better of him/her....
I've got one much more "hallmarksy" poem here (http://my.opera.com/symphonied/blog/2007/10/04/a-dream-as-a-gift?cid=3934907). But cant say i have anything to complain about in this (nor can i let others' complaints bother me :lol: ), since i wrote what i wanted to.
So, Sweets, if this is about/to a true friend that u care for, and have wanted to say this to him/her, does it really matter how the poem looks, and is there, if i get this right, any point being dissatisfied?

[Sweets America]

I really love the beginning with the horse and the freeway, which is like some great, mythic hallucination. Lots to like as it goes on too. I'm for the line about walking through night, but the warm snow line is greeting cardsy and the end is both ungrammatical ('accept to' is not a correct construction. 'agree to' would be) and very weak with its friend/mend pain/vain rhymes and telly, unimaginative descriptions of yearning. It would be stronger if you cut it off at 'waste my time', though I guess that might not do the job you want to do.

Blp, thanks for you comment. I have some things to add to it.
First, about the ending. I don't know about it being ungrammatical. Jerry tells me it is not, so I don't know which one of you is right. English is not my first language so I must rely on native speakers about that. Maybe someone else here can help us? If I had to change the word 'accept', I would not choose the word 'agree' because I need something stronger. I mean, the speaker in the poem needs a friend, needs to be accepted, it's really a claim.
I totally disagree with your proposition regarding cutting off the ending of my poem. The ending is the core of the poem. The poem is about absent friends, or imaginary ones, and the speaker just wish he/she had a real friend.

Now about the weak rhymes in the end, I don't know, I was not searching for rhymes, I just wrote what had to come out. But I was not very happy with it anyway.

The fact that you say the warm snow is gretting cardsy sounds as if you were making a mock of me. :( I agree that this line is not original, that is for sure, but I needed to refer to the snow that I had introduced before. This experience of running in the streets at 2 am under the snow with a friend happened to me, and I just wanted to explain how the fact of not being alone warmed up the heart.

It is interesting that you find the snow cliche whereas you love the horse on the freeway. :) Oh, this image of the horse on the freeway was a description of what I saw. (I am the speaker in the poem). But what I saw was part of my imagination, so you're right about the 'mystic hallucination'.

Your comment was interesting, I don't know why it hurt me at first. Perhaps because the poem deals with something very private and I felt that you had missed the point somehow. But it's ok. :)


I disagree to what blp said up there to some degree. Actually i dont think every poem by a person's got to have qualitative or poetic excellence. There should be some in which the poet wont care about making it a poem at all, in which one would just grab a pen and let the emotions get the better of him/her....
I've got one much more "hallmarksy" poem here. But cant say i have anything to complain about in this (nor can i let others' complaints bother me ), since i wrote what i wanted to.
So, Sweets, if this is about/to a true friend that u care for, and have wanted to say this to him/her, does it really matter how the poem looks, and is there, if i get this right, any point being dissatisfied?

Symphony, thanks very much for this comment. I should not thank you more than I thanked Blp though, it would not be fair to him/her. I don't want to say I agree more with you just because your comment appeals more to me, that would be childish. :p
I like what you say about the poet just grabbing the pen and letting his emotions speak.
Well, this poem is about some friends. It's difficult to explain, as some of the people I talk about do not even exist, or they half-exist.:goof: But they are still part of my life, to some extent. Or they were.
The You in the end of the poem is the reader, actually. Someone real.

[quasimodo1]

To Sweets America: I love your poem; all of it (sorry for the) except the lines after "Now". If you delete those last lines, I think the poem is more powerfull. You might end with "Now, bring new souvenirs". All positive criticism is opinion but the main point is it's creative and has power; you have to decide if my input is usefull. quasimodo1

[Virgil]

Very nice Sweets. It has the feel of an ode by Horace. I think these are my favorite lines:

How warm snow feels when handed to a friend!
How bright night is when walked through hand in hand!




I remember


I remember you, Philippine,
Riding your white horse on freeways,
Your fair hair floating like the proud flag
Of my beloved country.
Where have you been all those years?
Hiding in my dreams, with Nicolas?
Unreachable and as quickly vanished
As the two a.m. snow dying with each of my footsteps
As I was dancing with the moon
In the company of a former friend...

How warm snow feels when handed to a friend!
How bright night is when walked through hand in hand!

I remember you, sweet Nan’
When you were alive and protecting the walls of my mind
From the sharpest self-doubts;
I remember your voice, so similar to mine,
Somehow more masculine and
Embracing my body with delicate fur.


If it were my poem I would end it there.

[Sweets America]

To Sweets America: I love your poem; all of it (sorry for the) except the lines after "Now". If you delete those last lines, I think the poem is more powerfull. You might end with "Now, bring new souvenirs". All positive criticism is opinion but the main point is it's creative and has power; you have to decide if my input is usefull.

Hi, I appreciate your comment, it sounds nice even in your criticism! :) I appreciate what you have to say.
Actually, I agree with you and Virgil about the end, and with Blp too. I don't like my ending, to be honest, I had real trouble with it. But, I don't agree to stop the poem before because the point of it would not be present. The poem recalls the memories of friends who are no longer here, and in the end, I don't want those friends to bring new memories, I want to have new friends so that I will build new memories with them. This was what I wanted to say.
I agree that my ending is not good. I just think I should find a new one instead of giving up.
Yes, your input IS useful, thank you. :) I read the comment you made on another poem by someone else on this site and it was a nice comment too, with interesting criticism.

Virgil? Thank you very much for your comment!:) :)
I see you too have a problem with my ending. :p That is true, as I said, this ending is not good. But I cannot cut the poem where you suggest (although I agree that it would be better to have the poem cut there than to keep this ending).
But I still want an ending, just a better one. I need to have an ending where I ask the reader to be my friend. I need to say also that 'I waste my time' because I want to convey the idea that in thinking of old friends, I waste the time I could spend with new ones.
Thanks again! :)

(wow, I reread my comment and I sound very bossy with this 'ending' thing. :D Just like a kid who would roll on the floor and yell 'I want my ending!!! I want my ending!!!!' :p What a brat I am!

[ampoule]

How warm snow feels when handed to a friend. Wow.
No matter who this is about, I feel the pleading in it.

[Sweets America]

How warm snow feels when handed to a friend. Wow.
No matter who this is about, I feel the pleading in it.

Thank you very much, ampoule, that is a very nice comment. I cannot tell who my poem is really about. I think it's mostly about what is to come.

[Virgil]

Virgil? Thank you very much for your comment!:) :)
I see you too have a problem with my ending. :p That is true, as I said, this ending is not good. But I cannot cut the poem where you suggest (although I agree that it would be better to have the poem cut there than to keep this ending).
But I still want an ending, just a better one. I need to have an ending where I ask the reader to be my friend. I need to say also that 'I waste my time' because I want to convey the idea that in thinking of old friends, I waste the time I could spend with new ones.
Thanks again! :)


I agree it needs to be longer. Either elaborate on each of the friends you brought up or generate new ones to add. The only grammatical error I see is in this line: "Where have you been all those years?" Should be either "Where had you been all those years?" or "Where have you been all these years?"

[Sweets America]

I agree it needs to be longer. Either elaborate on each of the friends you brought up or generate new ones to add. The only grammatical error I see is in this line: "Where have you been all those years?" Should be either "Where had you been all those years?" or "Where have you been all these years?"

Oh thanks for the 'where have you been all these years', this is the one I want to choose, I will correct it. :p
I think that I should add the possibility of new friends in the ending, yes. Thank you!