Beeches

[barbara0207]

Here's my entry for the autumn poetry contest. Congrats, Virgil and firefangled!


Beeches

Beeches
tall, slender
hulking, smothering
Brown, red and golden leaves
so beautiful in their death

I bend down for a beechnut
crack it open.
It is empty.

On the broken shell falls
this autumn's first snowflake.
Then there are more.
White, cold, wet.

They cannot cover me.
They melt away.
They melt together with my tears.
And the shells crumble in my hands.


Thanks to the two people who voted for this one. :)
Any comments are welcome.

[Virgil]

I like the feel of it Barbara. I liked the center of the poem especially:

I bend down for a beechnut
crack it open.
It is empty.

On the broken shell falls
this autumn's first snowflake.
Then there are more.
White, cold, wet.
I think that is so nice. It feels true and tangible.

The ending was good too, although I can't find the word "cober" anywhere. Is that a typo?

I did find the opening a little unimaginative. "standing tall/towering above me" is what almost anyone would say, don't you think? Other than that I thught it a good poem.

Let me say again, all the entries were very good. Great entries everyone.

[barbara0207]

Thanks for your comment, Virgil. Much appreciated.

Embarrassing typo. Of course it must be "cover"! :blush:

"Towering above me": That was just to create a feeling of being oppressed by the mere height of the trees, which on other occasions, in a good mood, I'd just admire. Sorry that I could not convey that feeling.

[Virgil]

Thanks for your comment, Virgil. Much appreciated.

Embarrassing typo. Of course it must be "cover"! :blush:

"Towering above me": That was just to create a feeling of being oppressed by the mere height of the trees, which on other occasions, in a good mood, I'd just admire. Sorry that I could not convey that feeling.

No I think you conveyed it, but you have to do something to not make it ordinary. Especially in a short poem.

[mazHur]

Beeches
standing tall
towering above me.
Brown, red and golden leaves
so beautiful in their death.

this is excellent !

[ampoule]

Truly beautiful Barbara. I was right there with you. I could even see my breath in the cold.

[TheFifthElement]

These lines are so touchingly sad :



They cannot cover me.
They melt away.
They melt together with my tears.
And the shells crumble in my hands.


I enjoyed this poem very much :)

[firefangled]

They cannot cover me.
They melt away.
They melt together with my tears.
And the shells crumble in my hands.



I enjoyed the entire poem, Barbara, but especially like this ending image.

[barbara0207]

Thank you everybody for your comments. I'm happy that you liked my poem - or most of it; I think Virgil is right in a way that I should have come up with something more original in the first lines. I'll remember that next time, Virgil!

[barbara0207]

I have changed the first stanza of my poem. Do you think that's more original now?




Beeches

Beeches
tall, slender
hulking
smothering
I won't look up any more.

I bend down for a beechnut
crack it open.
It is empty.

On the broken shell falls
this autumn's first snowflake.
Then there are more.
White, cold, wet.

They cannot cover me.
They melt away.
They melt together with my tears.
And the shells crumble in my hands.

[mazHur]

I have changed the first stanza of my poem. Do you think that's more original now?

I liked the previous stanza. However, if you wanna change it consider this for the stanza's last line

like a phantom in the moonlight
etc etc

[Virgil]

How about this Barbara? I think this captures the best of both.

Beeches
tall, slender
hulking, smothering
Brown, red and golden leaves
so beautiful in their death.

[mazHur]

How about this Barbara? I think this captures the best of both.


Beeches
tall, slender
hulking, smothering
Brown, red and golden leaves
so beautiful in their death.

I think this stanza is a complete poem in itself!:)

[barbara0207]

Beeches

Beeches
tall, slender
hulking, smothering
Brown, red and golden leaves
so beautiful in their death

I bend down for a beechnut
crack it open.
It is empty.

On the broken shell falls
this autumn's first snowflake.
Then there are more.
White, cold, wet.

They cannot cover me.
They melt away.
They melt together with my tears.
And the shells crumble in my hands.



Last change, Virgil. Just to please you. :D (thought you'd found the leaves cliche, too.)

Thank you for your comment, mazhur.

[Virgil]

Last change, Virgil. Just to please you. :D (thought you'd found the leaves cliche, too.)



Thanks. I think it's lovely now. Not sure if it's a cliche but an honest statement.

[SleepyWitch]

I like it Barbara. but my brain cell's gone on a holiday. I'll give you some more profound feedback when it's returned :)

[barbara0207]

I like it Barbara. but my brain cell's gone on a holiday. I'll give you some more profound feedback when it's returned :)

Wow! You've only got one? That's amazing! :lol:

Anyway, I'll be waiting for your feedback, Sleepy!