"Ghost"

[stephofthenight]

the ghost of the hallways
invisable and cold
drifting through the school,
mute and dead to the world
shes insnt a cheerleader, she doesnt march with the band
not worried about boy's or looks
shes simply a nothing girl, not even there

the ghost of the hallways
a timid soul, with a stone heart
melting away in apathy
not noicing shes invisable
drowning in words unspoken
a mere poet without a poem
shes simply a nothing girl not even there

the ghost of the hallways
is an empty shell, with lifless eyes
an empty poet no longer bleeding tears
her tears are drowning sympathy around her
she's dead and no one cares
she's simply a nothing girl, not even there.

thanks guys, please be extreamly critical. thanks.

[firefangled]

the ghost of the hallways
invisable and cold
drifting through the school,
mute and dead to the world
shes insnt a cheerleader, she doesnt march with the band
not worried about boy's or looks
shes simply a nothing girl, not even there

the ghost of the hallways
a timid soul, with a stone heart
melting away in apathy
not noicing shes invisable
drowning in words unspoken
a mere poet without a poem
shes simply a nothing girl not even there

the ghost of the hallways
is an empty shell, with lifless eyes
an empty poet no longer bleeding tears
her tears are drowning sympathy around her
she's dead and no one cares
she's simply a nothing girl, not even there.

thanks guys, please be extreamly critical. thanks.


I have a teenage daughter and sometimes I am brought to tears with what is endured by people her age in schools theses days.

That said, what you are writing about cannot be written about too often.

I love the way this starts!! I might leave out the repetition for a little leaner poem and tighten up the images. I love the image of a poet without a poem and drowning in unspoken words. The last verse seemed a little hurried and unclear.

I am the worst speller in the world and I write manuals for a living. I must use a dictionary 20 times a day and I still forget the spelling of many words. If you are unsure about the spelling of any word, like invisible, take the time to look it up. You want readers to see your main effort, not misspelled (I had to look that up. I'm horrible, I tell you.:yawnb: ) words.

I liked reading this. I hope you will work on it some more. And I hope this wasn't more than you wanted with criticism.

[stephofthenight]

The ghost of the hallways
invisible and cold
drifting through the school,
mute and dead to the world
she’s isn’t a cheerleader, she doesn’t march with the band
not worried about boy's or things that make other worlds’ twirl
she’s simply a nothing girl, not even there

the ghost of the hallways
a timid soul, with a stone heart
melting away in apathy
not noticing she’s invisible
drowning in words unspoken
a mere poet without a poem
she’s simply a nothing girl not even there

the ghost of the hallways
That no one understood
Lies In a pale casket, dressed in crimson;
She no longer drifts unnoticed in the hallways,
Still isn’t recognized, no one even knows her name
For now she is truly dead, and still no one cares
She was simply a nothing girl, now she really isn’t there

[mazHur]

nice thoughts,,pathetic!

[stephofthenight]

ouchies...that kinda hurt....anyone got a band-aid?

[mazHur]

try cold pad!

[motherhubbard]

This made me think about my high school experience. It sucked. In fact it sucked so bad that I went to summer school so that I could graduate early. I was 16 when I graduated and everyone kept saying that I would regret it and that I was ruining what would someday seem like the best years of my life. Well it’s been nearly 20 years and I’m yet to regret it and so far I have to say that the thirties are the best. I wouldn’t be a teen again for anything in the world. I had an opportunity to sit and watch about 100 teens yesterday and I felt so bad for them. They were so extreme it was like they were caricatures of themselves.

I like your poem and I think that it is something everyone (or most everyone) can relate to. I bet even MazHur feels pathetic sometimes ;)

[firefangled]

The ghost of the hallways
invisible and cold
drifting through the school,
mute and dead to the world
she’s isn’t a cheerleader, she doesn’t march with the band
not worried about boy's or things that make other worlds’ twirl
she’s simply a nothing girl, not even there

the ghost of the hallways
a timid soul, with a stone heart
melting away in apathy
not noticing she’s invisible
drowning in words unspoken
a mere poet without a poem
she’s simply a nothing girl not even there

the ghost of the hallways
That no one understood
Lies In a pale casket, dressed in crimson;
She no longer drifts unnoticed in the hallways,
Still isn’t recognized, no one even knows her name
For now she is truly dead, and still no one cares
She was simply a nothing girl, now she really isn’t there


Very nicely revised Steph! Keep up the good work. :cool:

[firefangled]

This made me think about my high school experience. It sucked. In fact it sucked so bad that I went to summer school so that I could graduate early. I was 16 when I graduated and everyone kept saying that I would regret it and that I was ruining what would someday seem like the best years of my life. Well it’s been nearly 20 years and I’m yet to regret it and so far I have to say that the thirties are the best. I wouldn’t be a teen again for anything in the world. I had an opportunity to sit and watch about 100 teens yesterday and I felt so bad for them. They were so extreme it was like they were caricatures of themselves.

I like your poem and I think that it is something everyone (or most everyone) can relate to. I bet even MazHur feels pathetic sometimes ;)

I'm so glad to hear you say that, MH. I hated high school, every minute of it and I cringe when people say they wish they were young again. I wouldn't do it today for a million dollars ( I would for 10 million, but I would definately have a lawyer make the contract). Of course Florida has some of the worst schools in the country, but what goes on in and after school here is scarey.

I kinda keep hoping I haven't seen the best years of my life yet and I'm getting way up there.

[mazHur]

This made me think about my high school experience. It sucked. In fact it sucked so bad that I went to summer school so that I could graduate early. I was 16 when I graduated and everyone kept saying that I would regret it and that I was ruining what would someday seem like the best years of my life. Well it’s been nearly 20 years and I’m yet to regret it and so far I have to say that the thirties are the best. I wouldn’t be a teen again for anything in the world. I had an opportunity to sit and watch about 100 teens yesterday and I felt so bad for them. They were so extreme it was like they were caricatures of themselves.

I like your poem and I think that it is something everyone (or most everyone) can relate to. I bet even MazHur feels pathetic sometimes ;)

MoHub ( if I may be allowed to abbreviate your goodly name and give it a sort of American look!):)

I liked the poem because it has a good theme and a nice flow.
I feel sorry for girls who 'waste' their time in trying to ignore the 'world' around in their zeal for studies or some other work. ( pls check out poem, "My coy Mistress'' by ,,,,,,,,,sorry I cant recall the famous poet who wrote it)
But it's also true that life in modern times is too early to start at the tender age of 15 or so. By the info contained in your comments I can figure out that you are just 'pretty 35' and have pathetically taken up a very elderly or olderly name,,,,,,,wonder why?

[motherhubbard]

MoHub ( if I may be allowed to abbreviate your goodly name and give it a sort of American look!):)

I liked the poem because it has a good theme and a nice flow.
I feel sorry for girls who 'waste' their time in trying to ignore the 'world' around in their zeal for studies or some other work. ( pls check out poem, "My coy Mistress'' by ,,,,,,,,,sorry I cant recall the famous poet who wrote it)
But it's also true that life in modern times is too early to start at the tender age of 15 or so. By the info contained in your comments I can figure out that you are just 'pretty 35' and have pathetically taken up a very elderly or olderly name,,,,,,,wonder why?

I was thinking it was Elliot, but it was Andrew Marvel and Elliot just referred to it. I to feel sorry for young girls who let life slip by because they are focused on other things. I think that often young people are asked to deal with situations more mature than they are and that can really put the kibosh on the pleasures of adolescents.

I actually chose this name because it somewhat matches my e-mail. I didn’t really intend to have the e-mail that I have, but I was newly pregnant with my fourth child and looking for some kind of nursery rhyme thing for my first e-mail. I didn’t know what I was doing to be honest, and tried maybe 100 different combinations and never could get them to work. Now I think I may have been leaving out information or something. When one finally stuck I was too sick of it to keep working on it. I don't feel like an old lady, but I don't mind my gray either.:p

[symphony]

The ghost of the hallways
invisible and cold
drifting through the school,
mute and dead to the world
she’s isn’t a cheerleader, she doesn’t march with the band
not worried about boy's or things that make other worlds’ twirl
she’s simply a nothing girl, not even there

the ghost of the hallways
a timid soul, with a stone heart
melting away in apathy
not noticing she’s invisible
drowning in words unspoken
a mere poet without a poem
she’s simply a nothing girl not even there

the ghost of the hallways
That no one understood
Lies In a pale casket, dressed in crimson;
She no longer drifts unnoticed in the hallways,
Still isn’t recognized, no one even knows her name
For now she is truly dead, and still no one cares
She was simply a nothing girl, now she really isn’t there
Let me just say i understand. I completely understand!

[mazHur]

I was thinking it was Elliot, but it was Andrew Marvel and Elliot just referred to it. I to feel sorry for young girls who let life slip by because they are focused on other things. I think that often young people are asked to deal with situations more mature than they are and that can really put the kibosh on the pleasures of adolescents.

I actually chose this name because it somewhat matches my e-mail. I didn’t really intend to have the e-mail that I have, but I was newly pregnant with my fourth child and looking for some kind of nursery rhyme thing for my first e-mail. I didn’t know what I was doing to be honest, and tried maybe 100 different combinations and never could get them to work. Now I think I may have been leaving out information or something. When one finally stuck I was too sick of it to keep working on it. I don't feel like an old lady, but I don't mind my gray either.:p

Dear MH

It's alright ,,,after discovering your age from the post I was simply curious as to what made a young lady opt for an name that even a 90 year lady would normally hesitate to adopt!:( :p

To be honest, until I discoverd your age I thought you were an old lady !!!:bawling: :brow:

as for the poem it is not by any of the poets you mentioned. It is by one of the classical poets and has short lines

[motherhubbard]

To be honest, until I discoverd your age I thought you were an old lady !!!:bawling: :brow:




:eek2: Me? an old lady! It's ok, I always think everyone is a woman:blush: (Sorry Lote).

[mazHur]

:eek2: Me? an old lady! It's ok, I always think everyone is a woman:blush: (Sorry Lote).

Hmm,,,,,,,,not me atleast (Or your hubby--y:) :brow: ou know it!!!)

[motherhubbard]

I meant every one here on lit-net

[mazHur]

oh, I see. But why do you forget this (masculine moustached) bard!

[stephofthenight]

MazHur i am confused by your comments...pathetic? or not pathetic??? thank you for your comments and critiqus, i must say i do like the second one better then the first, the last stanza didnt flow as well as i would have liked it to. thank you for your time guys :D

[mazHur]

In any case I liked your poem ,,,it does have literary value for its thought,feelings and tempo
keep up the good work!

[dibyendra]

I really liked the "portrait" of this poem stephofthenight. And yes, I agree with Firefangled regarding spelling errors that there shouldn't be spelling errors in poetry as it in turn depicts different message to the readers, although grammatical errors happen most of the time. Also, you're missing many punctuations which I think are essential to convey a right message. As, I am not a native English speaker and writer, dictionary and spell checkers are my friend when I write something.

[stephofthenight]

thank you, i ran the second one through spellcheck: and i will check on that grammer, as i generaly dont use it in my poetry for some reason. thank you.