...

[symphony]

I posted it earlier in the "Poems about poems" thread. Maybe it was just too stupid or something, but there was no response other than a couple of PMs. So now i thought i'd better post it in a separate thread here, could do with some response.



Wind Chime

Way below the shimmering
dome of thoughtosphere,
some hardly felt feelings
form a residual stratum
of their own.

A touch, a stir,
when the eye or the ear
or the mind stumbles across
a flavor that has to be breathed in
and taken into the very core, where those

oddments suddenly find
a life. Surging through
the mists of the once forgotten,
surmounting the countless layers,
yet charred with the burn they caused,
pushing aside the sprinklings of asteroidal thoughts,

they’re freed and fall into the space and time
of this waiting parchment.

Any comments or critique will be welcome.

(Thanks to Pendragon for the title)

[ahsiam]

strange thinking but i love it.:)

[Granny5]

I posted it earlier in the "Poems about poems" thread. Maybe it was just too stupid or something, but there was no response other than a couple of PMs. So now i thought i'd better post it in a separate thread here, could do with some response.




Way below the shimmering
dome of thoughtosphere,
some hardly felt feelings
form a residual stratum
of their own.

A touch, a stir,
when the eye or the ear
or the mind stumbles across
a flavor that has to be breathed in
and taken into the very core, where those

oddments suddenly find
a life. Surging through
the mists of the once forgotten,
surmounting the countless layers,
yet charred with the burn they caused,
pushing aside the sprinklings of asteroidal thoughts,

they’re freed and fall into the space and time
of this waiting parchment.

Any comments or critique will be welcome.

And help me with the title please!

This is beautiful, symphony. I must have missed it on the other thread. It's really a very nice poem about birthing a poem.

[Pensive]

Good description, symphony! For me, it's a reminiscent of all the poems I remember having written (I guess to nearly all of us it would be)! :)

[Virgil]

I find it very pretty symph. Except for one word: "asteroidal". Not only does that sound horrible (hemoroidal? :p ) but it's awkward and stilted, don't you think? Otherwise I really liked everything else. One stumbles on "thoughtoshpere" but it fits and is a nice creation and metaphor. I also liked the alliteration (of "s" and "f", which seem to blend so nice together) of the first stanza:

Way below the shimmering
dome of thoughtosphere,
some hardly felt feelings
form a residual stratum
of their own.

I also really liked the "sphere" and "ear" rhyme. That pulled it together. One perhaps wishes for another such rhyme connection. But I think what holds the third stanza well is the continuation of the "s" and "f" alliteration:

oddments suddenly find
a life. Surging through
the mists of the once forgotten,
surmounting the countless layers,
yet charred with the burn they caused,
pushing aside the sprinklings of asteroidal thoughts,

they’re freed and fall into the space and time
of this waiting parchment.
Very good. Just get rid of "asteroidal"!! :lol:

[symphony]

Thanks maliha, gran, pensy, and uncle virge...

And Virge...*scratching head* do u really think that word is that horrible?...I mean...(the word hemoroidal never occured to me i admit) but i really liked that word while writing this one! I think i'll keep it as is.
But if it sounds too horrible... ~_~

BTW another friend who's read it had a problem with "sprinklings", I was wondering if that sounds alright to everyone else.
But 'asteroidal'...i really liked 'asteroidal'. :blush:

[Virgil]

Thanks maliha, gran, pensy, and uncle virge...

And Virge...*scratching head* do u really think that word is that horrible?...I mean...(the word hemoroidal never occured to me i admit) but i really liked that word while writing this one! I think i'll keep it as is.
But if it sounds too horrible... ~_~

BTW another friend who's read it had a problem with "sprinklings", I was wondering if that sounds alright to everyone else.
But 'asteroidal'...i really liked 'asteroidal'. :blush:

I liked "sprinklings". But "asteroidal"...:lol: No, I can't warm up to it. Let's see what others think. But it's your poem.

[Granny5]

:lol: I just didn't think of hemoroidal when reading asteroidal. I thought of the universe. But that's just me, I guess. I like the whole "sprinklings of asteroidal thoughts". The whole poem made me think of the universe and just collecting thoughts and words from it.

[Pendragon]

Wonderful poem. You want a title? Wind Chime. From the shape of the poem. Also the haunting words...

[symphony]

Thanks Uncle Pen. Wind chime it is, then. ;)


I just didn't think of hemoroidal when reading asteroidal. I thought of the universe. But that's just me, I guess. I like the whole "sprinklings of asteroidal thoughts".
See? SEE?
:D


The whole poem made me think of the universe and just collecting thoughts and words from it.Thats what i tried to mean, gran. Thanks.

[Xillus_Xavier]

The form of this poem fits the name nicely.
The flow of it is also satisfying like a wind chime.

[symphony]

Thanks to Uncle Pen for that. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

You groaned (or sighed) when I suggested you get busy writing a new poem, and now I find this wonderful one you'd written before. It rushes out as the universe must have done after the Big Bang, gathering particles and combining them as it goes. I hope you have an inkling of just how good a poet you are but even if you do, you're better than that!

[symphony]

Compliments elate me, but i try (hard) not to take them too much into me, u never know when i start bragging about myself anyway. :lol:

And, my determinations and desperations on not writing a poem soon is one of the reasons why i pulled this out from the other thread. I cant write, but its always good to look at the earlier ones!

[Virgil]

No one is commenting on hermoroidal, oh excuse me I mean astroroidal. :p :D

[symphony]

grrrrr Virge! :p

[TheFifthElement]

Wind Chime

Way below the shimmering
dome of thoughtosphere,
some hardly felt feelings
form a residual stratum
of their own.

A touch, a stir,
when the eye or the ear
or the mind stumbles across
a flavor that has to be breathed in
and taken into the very core, where those

oddments suddenly find
a life. Surging through
the mists of the once forgotten,
surmounting the countless layers,
yet charred with the burn they caused,
pushing aside the sprinklings of asteroidal thoughts,

they’re freed and fall into the space and time
of this waiting parchment.


It's a good poem symphony, it flows beautifully. I can see where Virgil is coming from with 'asteroidal', though it didn't make me think of haemorrhoidal :lol: it did make me wonder if you were trying too hard, and perhaps was the wrong image (for me), I would see it being more meteors than asteroids, asteroids are kind of big.

I did stumble over one other word though, 'thoughtosphere', coupled with asteroidal I think this is where I got the impression you were trying too hard, and it also made me think of Vogonsphere and then I had a picture of a bowl of petunia's falling, and was completely off on a tangent. I accept that this is probably just me!

I like the image though, and it is an excellent poem. You can never quite anticipate what the image will make the reader think of, and in that respect I don't think you should be unduly influenced by mine, or Virgil's 'oddments'!

[Pendragon]

Thanks to Uncle Pen for that. :)Ah, but you wrote the wonderful poem, not I. I feel honored to have you use the title I chose for the poem. Words and music flow from the poem, only a slight bit of imagination is required to see and hear the wind chime. That part you did very well. Very well indeed! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[symphony]

It's a good poem symphony, it flows beautifully. I can see where Virgil is coming from with 'asteroidal', though it didn't make me think of haemorrhoidal :lol: it did make me wonder if you were trying too hard, and perhaps was the wrong image (for me), I would see it being more meteors than asteroids, asteroids are kind of big.

I did stumble over one other word though, 'thoughtosphere', coupled with asteroidal I think this is where I got the impression you were trying too hard, and it also made me think of Vogonsphere and then I had a picture of a bowl of petunia's falling, and was completely off on a tangent. I accept that this is probably just me!

I like the image though, and it is an excellent poem. You can never quite anticipate what the image will make the reader think of, and in that respect I don't think you should be unduly influenced by mine, or Virgil's 'oddments'!
*scratching head* I see people are stumbling upon my 2 favorite words in this poem. :alien: I know 'thoughtosphere' sounds a litlle alienic, and of course makes a reader stop, first to pronounce it and then to visualise it. But if "thoughtosphere" & "asteroidal" are making it look like i tried too hard on it, it's really odd because these were the words that came effortlessly! I used "thoughtosphere" once in a tanka, and then my mind started to accept it as a word :lol: . But actually its as u said, u never know how the reader reads a poem. Thanks for the comments. :)

And thanks again, Pen. ;) Glad u like it.