MACABRE (hey guys!)

[Kendall]

Yay, I haven't been on here for a long time. Here's my most recent poem. Not on the subject of self injury, but still somewhat morbid.

http://img59.photobucket.com/albums/v180/7sinsbaby/poorlittle.jpg
That's my pic to go with the poem.

Macabre

Electric pink fingernails
A perfect pout rotting away
The fire in her eyes blew out
Blood smeared on the skyline
A fingerprint to trace what lived
Skin under her fingernails
And in her deathgrip a burnt cigarette
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, try, try
Rigor mortis won't fail her now
Hardened exterior, lost interior
Bruises on her face
No longer a mediocre love story
You made todays headlines
Poor little thing.

[Spartan936]

Depressing and wonderful.

I enjoyed this part.



A perfect pout rotting away
The fire in her eyes blew out

[Koa]

Yay! I was missing some macabreness around here! Can't choose which bit I like best...

[Kendall]

Hey, thanks you two!
Yeah, I also like the "perfect pout.." etc.
It would be awesome if you guys could analyse it, I'd like to see how people percieve it.
If not, it's still great that I got some awesome comments!
Thanks.

[Isagel]

Well, I´m not really a fan of dark poetry. But since you asked for opinions:
I liked "You made todays headlines Poor little thing" . It´s a good ending for this poem. In this poem you use "her" to describe the girl at first and then change into "you" in the end, making the poem more direct. I wonder if the macabre touch would come across even stronger if used "you" all the way through the poem. Usually that makes the poem more intimate, almost like a lover talking. That is of course only my opinion, and if you do not like it, just ignore it.

[Kendall]

Hmm, I understand what you're saying.
I'll think about it, I appreciate your feedback.
Thanks.