Capture the world

[AimusSage]

So I was inspired to write a poem. a rare occasion, that deserves its own little celebration. Yay!

See my post below for a revised version!!

(CAPTURE THE WORLD)

You captured the world
But the world did not capture you
No matter where you went
The world was there for you to capture
But the world did not capture you.

You left the world captured
No city filled with buzzing lives
No nature caught unawares
Not even a forgotten paradise
Could elude you capturing this world.

It was with a passing sigh of sadness
That the world let itself be captured
Your camera did the shot you want
Capturing the world unharmed
While leaving you adrift, unbound.

You did not capture the world that day
Nor did the world capture you
You can stop the running game
You’ve passed the gates to freedom
Where you’ll capture a thousand worlds.

[SleepyWitch]

hey Mr Sage, I didn't know you wrote poems. the first time I read it I thought capture was repeated a bit too often. but the second time round it was OK.
I kinda like it, but it doesn't tell the reader how the guy arrived at the insight in the last stanza.

[AimusSage]

I kinda like it, but it doesn't tell the reader how the guy arrived at the insight in the last stanza.
That's probably because I removed the second to last stanza. :)

[Chava]

You did not capture the world that day
Nor did the world capture you


Nice phrase, It's hereby been written into my calender. Other than that, the amount of capture's per stanza is a little overwhelming, as mentioned, but i get your drift.
To be brutally honest with you, it's a neat poem. :)

[AimusSage]

I made a few adjustments. :) It actually fits better now, the first stanza now properly foreshadows what happens in the 4th one. I still really dislike the 4th one though, but it's included since it does make more sense with it. See below for revised version.

As for the many uses of the word capture, well, that's not without purpose. But I'll leave it at that.

(CAPTURE THE WORLD)

You captured the world
But the world did not capture you
No matter where you went
The world was there for you to see
But the world did not see you.

You left the world captured
No city filled with buzzing lives
No nature caught unawares
Not even a forgotten paradise
Could elude you capturing this world.

It was with a passing sigh of sadness
That the world let itself be captured
Your camera did the shot you want
Capturing the world unharmed
While leaving you adrift, unbound.

That day you were about as usual
The path ahead longed for your footsteps
You saw the subject of your interest
And stepped onto the tempting road
Hit by the woeful impact of a car

You did not capture the world that day
Nor did the world capture you
You can stop the running game
You’ve passed the gates to freedom
Where you’ll capture a thousand worlds.

[Niamh]

Aaaahhhhhhh! Thats Much better now Aimus!

[AimusSage]

Aaaahhhhhhh! Thats Much better now Aimus!
Thank you Niamh. :D It's better, but still far from perfect, any more pointers??


Anyone?
:)

[symphony]

I liked the 3rd stanza most. Unlike the others, i didnt have any prob with the repeatations of the word "capture" while reading it. And i thought the last line was particularly a strong one. :thumbs_up

[Niamh]

The capture thing isnt bothering me. I think its a nice touch. I can kind of see why you didnt include that stansa at first as its somewhat different in context with the others but i do think i brings it all together. Kind of like linking the emotion with the reality.
Have you though about adding something like the world will keep on capturing and being captured now that she is gone and that she is but one of many souls in a world of images or something.....