Its Halloween

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ALL HALLOWS EVE

I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear
Now the witching hour is near
The curtains are drawn tight
And I’ve turned off the lights
The TV volume is way down low
I sit and cower it its feeble glow
Then comes the knock upon the door
And I curl up quivering on the floor
My heart is pounding my breath is shallow
My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow
On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread
But not of monsters or the un-dead
The fear that turns my heart to stone
Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home

OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN

It’s that time of year again, Halloween
Oh how I hate it and its practitioners
All year round we tell our children
“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”
We instill in them from an early age
“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”
Then at Halloween we send them out
To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers

When children dressed as monsters
Terrorize the neighborhood
Begging from door to door
Demanding sweets and treats
For not vandalizing your property
The older children or should I say yobs
Wear masks and disguise them selves
Clearly training for a life of crime
A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob

It’s that time of year again
The night of night to ignore the doorbell
Its not twee or cute it’s just annoying
I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door
But I know I will get up next morning
With fake blood smeared on the front door
Eggs smashed on my windscreen
And rubbish strewn across my garden
God I hate Halloween and its practitioners

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BREATHLESS

My elderly maiden aunt
Suffers terribly from asthma
And yesterday she was phoned
By a heavy breather
After an hour it was unclear
Who was the original caller

A NIGHT WITH A FIT BIRD

I pulled a girl on Saturday night
And when we were getting at it
She rasped, moaned and thrashed about
And I don’t mean just a bit
Well I thought I was a great lover
That I have to admit
But alas she was an asthmatic
Having an epileptic fit

TOY BOY

My teenage daughter
Bless her heart came home today
With a Yoyo
I think she said his name was Ray

PREMATURE FALLASY

Premature ejaculation is a myth, a fallacy
Or more appropriately it’s a phallus-y
Ejaculation is only premature for a woman
Because it’s bang on time if you are a man

LAUGH YOURSELF FIT

It is said to keep you fit and well
Laughter is the best medicine
Unless of course you are a diabetic
Then the best thing is insulin

3 O’CLOCK ALARM CALL

My son is a student
And he still lives at home
But he seems to drink more than he studies
And when he comes home at 3 in the morning much the worse for drink
He cannot differentiate between the bathroom and my wardrobe

My father has Alzheimer’s
And he still lives at home
He spends most of his time in a state of confusion
And when he gets up at 3 in the morning to answer the call of nature
He cannot differentiate between the bathroom and my wardrobe

I am at the end of my tether
I wish I didn’t live at home
Unfortunately I still have to work for a living
Yet I wake up at 3 in the morning to find my son, my father or both
In my wardrobe pissing in my shoes

SORE POINT

One of the guys was off sick yesterday
He had a sore throat well that’s what he says
But he was seen in a pub trying to cure it
By pouring pints of lager down it

HAPPY DAYS

If when forced to make a detour
You are content to enjoy the scenery
Then congratulations are in order
You are without doubt truly happy

[Logos]

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