Emotions

[dibyendra]

I thought yesterday to write some thing about human emotions. Amony many different types of human emotions, I have written on few types. I'll write more on different human emotions tonight and post it here. Please provide your opinions regarding these small poems. Your comment and suggestion will help me to improve my writing skill. Any suggestions are welcome !


Aspiring
Sweet caress of aspiring emotions
sometimes bloom despairing thoughts with inspirations,
illuminating rays of hopes
enlivening faint desires,
electrify spirit to sprint
with sensation and aspiration
on the terrain of colorful dreams.

Agonizing
Blades of agonizing emotions
sometimes emerge as a nightmares,
cutting deep again on healing wounds,
flood eyes with tears
making pillow wet,
while flashing back to heartbreaking days nostalgically
dwell mind on to the memory lane of plight.

Frustrating
Blanket of frustrating emotions
sometimes trap mind with uncertain fears,
smothering the life of hopes,
splashing pessimistic views on the sparks of passion,
obscure the bright sides,
weaken the power to endure
by drowning mind into the questionable threats.

I have worked again on two small pieces as TheFifthElement suggested, and they now look as follows :

Agonizing
Agonizing emotions unfold
as a nightmares. Yes, they cut deep,
deep again on healing wounds,
flood eyes with tears, and make pillow drenched.
They flash back to heartbreaking days sentimentally,
and dwell mind on to the memory lane of discomfort.

Frustrating
Frustrating, it seems,
when mind is blanketed with uncertain fears, and
life of hopes are smothered.
Sparks of passion fades like the fading flower.
Bright sides are obscured, and
the power to endure are weakened
by drowning mind into the questionable threats.


With best regards,
Dibyendra

[TheFifthElement]

Dibyendra, I think these are really interesting poems, and again show how your talent is developing. I liked 'Aspiring' in particular, it is a good example of letting the images speak for themselves.

One thing I did notice, which you might want to change for the benefit of the series overall, is that all the poems start the same way :

Sweet caress of aspiring emotions

Blades of agonizing emotions

Blanket of frustrating emotions

Consider if you can make the same statement, but in a slightly different way, for example, taking your 'frustration' poem, you could change it around a bit, chop out a few words, and make it something like this :

"frustrating emotions
blanket the mind. Uncertain fears
smother the life of hopes,
splash pessimistic views on passion's sparks,
obscure the bright sides.
The power to endure is weakened.
The mind drowns in questionable threats"

A couple of things I've done is :

- removing words which are 'unnecessary' - as in they don't alter the context or meaning of the poem, and can therefore be removed without damage.
- changed the tense - many of the words you use were 'ing' words which gives it a past tense. Changing this to present makes the emotion more immediate, and more powerful. This is not always the case, experiment and you will work out when it's appropriate or not.
- changed the order of some of the words around.

(note, this is what I would do - as always just suggestions, or in this case and illustration of what you could do - ignore or use as you wish, or if it perhaps makes you more confident in your own poetry then all the better :) )

I hope this helps dibyendra. As I think I've said before, really only you can decide what works for you.

[dibyendra]

Thank you so much Fifth for your kind suggestions and generous support. Your suggestions are really appreciable ! Yes, making the same pattern for every piece of poem is not a good idea and I loved the way you suggested Fifth. I'll work on these small pieces again and I'll post my updated works here again in this thread.

[dibyendra]

After a quick edit on two small pieces written earlier like Fifth suggested, they now look like follows :

Agonizing
Agonizing emotions unfold
as a nightmares. Yes, they cut deep,
deep again on healing wounds,
flood eyes with tears, and make pillow drenched.
They flash back to heartbreaking days sentimentally,
and dwell mind on to the memory lane of discomfort.

Frustrating
Frustrating, it seems,
when mind is blanketed with uncertain fears, and
life of hopes are smothered.
Sparks of passion fades like the fading flower.
Bright sides are obscured, and
the power to endure are weakened
by drowning mind into the questionable threats.

Thank you Fifth for your great suggestions. That really helped me to think from different perspective. It would be great if you give me your point of view regarding the new look of these small pieces. :)