fans

[amuse]

in the summertime
the muscles in my
drapes ripple
like lions of the
serengeti
in whose eyes
i would drown
if i could look just
once
like my pale orange
swath of cloth
billowing above my
knees
like panthers
springing into
trees
like the ocean as
the barometer falls

...like you coming home.



*yes, the title is a play on words

[sycho_warrior]

nice :thumbs_up

[amuse]

thank you. :)

[Koa]

it makes me feel hot ;)

(ooh today it rained twice :D)

[amuse]

see, i was thinking double entendre 'til i read the 2nd line - whoops! :blush:
but i like that the heat came across. it was very warm this morning, as you can tell.

aren't you being acclimated for your trip; rain today, what next?

[Koa]

oooh no no! for maybe the first time in my life there wasn't a double meaning! :D (it must be cos i'm not used to 'hot' in the english sense...)

[Isagel]

I think the double meaning of heat suits the poem. I really liked it.

The only thing i´m not really sure of is this part :
"the barometer falls

...like you coming home."
It is not the words, I like them - but the space between them and the dots. For me it cuts up the gentle flow of the poem, making the ending abrupt intead of that soft billowing feeling that you have built up.

[Koa]

I like the 'cut' instead... :)

[amuse]

mm. i see what both of you mean; what i heard was the cut as a last sigh heaved, a relaxation and letting go when "you" come home. it's weird, isn't it, how we hear differently.

didn't know it billowed. glad you liked it, Isagel.
i really need to write a hello to you.

[Isagel]

Hello, Amuse. Please do.