Money and it's dark sides

[dibyendra]

You used to run after money,
but now, money runs after you.
Your unfulfilled dreams
may surely now come true.
You're on easy street now,
and have money to burn.
Everything you wish
just comes at your footstep
without a turn.
You like the smell of money,
it's color, and it's company...

Listen, money may buy you
a pride, name and fame,
castles, fancy clothes, diamond and jeweleries,
bed of gold, comforts and luxuries,
hi-tech peripherals, hundreds other accessories,
helpers who are always there for you
and things you always wished to do.

But, money becomes worthless for you
when it -
steals your freedom
and peace of mind,
burns your inner desires
and break your inner silence,
crawls in your mind driving you crazy,
segregates you in front of this world,
and push you inside the jungle of confusions
where there's no way out to exit.
Then, money may become your own worst enemy
and you run away from your own money.

Then, you may die for simple living.
You may see
castles as prisons,
beds of gold as bed of nails,
fancy clothes and jeweleries as fake beauty,
bright lights of chandelier as darkness,
and those lavish dinners, and drinks as a real waste.

Then, you may realize later that
money bought you everything
but couldn't buy you
a peace of mind, sound sleep,
freedom, happiness, love,
and a true company.

[mazHur]

Nice attempt. Congrats.

[dibyendra]

Thanks mazHur !

[dibyendra]

I would like to hear more comments regarding this poem. So, please post your comment when you finish reading this poem. Your comments will be highly appreciated !

Thank you !
Dibyendra

[Pensive]

Good one, dubyendra! :) This is the part I have liked:


But, money becomes worthless for you
when it -
steals your freedom
and peace of mind,
burns your inner desires
and break your inner silence,
crawls in your mind driving you crazy,
segregates you in front of this world,
and push you inside the jungle of confusions
where there's no way out to exit.
Then, money may become your own worst enemy
and you run away from your own money.

[dibyendra]

Good one, dubyendra! :)

Thank you Pensive for your comment ! I was desperately seeking for suggestions and comments from this forum. Thank you again Pensive!

[dibyendra]

I was really yearning to get suggestions and couldn't find any. :(
Any suggestions ? I would be thankful for that.

Thank you !
- Dibyendra

[mazHur]

I was really yearning to get suggestions and couldn't find any. :(
Any suggestions ? I would be thankful for that.

Thank you !
- Dibyendra

thanks for soliciting advice
well, i may suggest you go for smaller poems in the beginning. Make a theme in your mind, recollect good words about the topic, and then get started.

wish you all the best

[TheFifthElement]

Hi dibyendra, I wouldn't have any specific suggestions concerning the poem, it has good rhythm and a strong theme and message. I think that perhaps it is a little over-long, which I think is what mazHur was suggesting, and that the style is very 'telling' rather than 'showing', which I think is a difficult concept to understand, but you are learning, as we all are, and I can definitely see how your poetry has moved on since you joined the site.

Don't be too worried if people don't comment/suggest in regard to your poem. We are all learning from each other here, and none of us are experts. I think that when people ask for comments/advice that people are concerned not to offend, or hurt people's feelings, and therefore there can be a reluctance to make suggestions. From experience I have found that you always accept commentary positively.

I would have some more general suggestions for you, which you can take or feel free to ignore. From my experience this has helped me improve my poetry:

- read lots of poetry, not just 'classics' but include modern/contemporary poetry too.
- write lots of poetry, try different things and see where they take you. One person suggested to me that once you've written a poem, take it apart and write it again. This is a useful exercise in self-editing, you'll be surprised how much you can cut out and the poem doesn't lose any of its meaning.
- let the images speak for themselves - you don't need to tell your audience what to think, one of the great things about poetry is that it can mean different things to different people, because the images provoke memories, and therefore different feelings in different people.
- speak to the heart - but you understand this already ;)

I think that's it! You definitely have talent dibyendra, keep at it and you'll figure out what works for you. The pointers above are things that have worked for me, but like you, I am still learning too :).

[mazHur]

Hi Dibyendra

Nothing more can be added to Fifthelements advice; it is the best. I personally emphasize these words >>>read lots of poetry, not just 'classics' but include modern/contemporary poetry too.
- write lots of poetry, try different things and see where they take you.<<<

best of luck

[dibyendra]

Oh Thanks Majhur;) , but I was looking for suggestions regarding this poem. Anyway, good to hear this one from you.