Storm Beach

[Helen Clancy]

Hi,
Here is a poem called 'Storm Beach'. Any comments welcome.

Storm beach


A single set of footprints
follow me
across the ghostly white beach.
Banks of violent purple cloud
gather, like a furious army,
swirling over my head.
Landscape and sea merge,
a single dark mass,
silhouetted against
a looming sky.
I have to get away,
so frightened.

Scared now
of those penetrating eyes
I once adored.
The frequent disappearances
furtive behaviour, contradictions.
Who is this man
that has been living in my home
sharing my bed?

I lay awake last night,
waiting for him to return,
while the moon
mocked me.
It was no surprise
to hear the news
this morning,
another body found buried
among the standing stones.

I cross the icy sand
to the edge
of a grassy dune,
sit huddled
on prickly long grass,
trying to gain
shelter from the fierce
cold wind, but there is no
shelter to be found
from the fears
that threaten
to overwhelm me…

Juliet:

[Pendragon]

Slightly disturbing if this is written from any point of view other than the one that the guy turns out to be a werewolf. Otherwise, it reads like a plea from a frightened woman, perhaps a battered wife, who has put up with her husband's violence too long and now is keeping secrets best not kept, making her even more his slave and in his power.

The Werewolf scenerio works well, though a slighly better hint as to the truth might be needed, such as "I recently took to wearing my silver rings all the time, for the moonlight I once loved is no longer my friend."

God help us, if it is the other, and it is about you, get out of there and find help!

Pen

[Helen Clancy]

Don't worry Pen,
This is a piece of FICTION!! About a woman who is facing up to the truth she has suspected for a while and is now becoming convinced about - ie that her husband of 25 years is a serial killer!
Thanks for your comments!
Juliet


Slightly disturbing if this is written from any point of view other than the one that the guy turns out to be a werewolf. Otherwise, it reads like a plea from a frightened woman, perhaps a battered wife, who has put up with her husband's violence too long and now is keeping secrets best not kept, making her even more his slave and in his power.

The Werewolf scenerio works well, though a slighly better hint as to the truth might be needed, such as "I recently took to wearing my silver rings all the time, for the moonlight I once loved is no longer my friend."

God help us, if it is the other, and it is about you, get out of there and find help!

Pen

[PrinceMyshkin]

Without meaning to assume anything about your own biography, I would suggest that poems that deal so vividly with violence or terror attract us as writers because they do draw on something within us, and this is the second of your poems, I note that deals with transitions, with awkward or barred passages.

[firefangled]

Hi,
Here is a poem called 'Storm Beach'. Any comments welcome.

Storm beach


A single set of footprints
follow me
across the ghostly white beach.
Banks of violent purple cloud
gather, like a furious army,
swirling over my head.
Landscape and sea merge,
a single dark mass,
silhouetted against
a looming sky.
I have to get away,
so frightened.

Scared now
of those penetrating eyes
I once adored.
The frequent disappearances
furtive behaviour, contradictions.
Who is this man
that has been living in my home
sharing my bed?

Juliet:

Hi Helen, I liked this very much for the way the fear and urgency built. You might like reading Margaret Atwood's Morning in the Burned House, this reminded me of her poem You Come Back.

I would tighten this up more without losing any of the urgency. The last two lines of S1 and first line of S2 are examples. I would rereference "Scared now" further down in that stanza and without say it so bluntly again. You have established very well that you are scared out of your wits in S1.

[CdnReader]

This is a wonderfully suspenseful poem, Helen, and a treat to read. Thanks! :)

[Pendragon]

Don't worry Pen,
This is a piece of FICTION!! About a woman who is facing up to the truth she has suspected for a while and is now becoming convinced about - ie that her husband of 25 years is a serial killer!
Thanks for your comments!
Juliet
Whew! What a relief! You should write mystery then, because you make it come so to life! Yes, that was the very secret I was alluding to her keeping, that was "best not kept". You have a gift for getting into the other person's perspective.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/yoda.gif

[Helen Clancy]

Hi PrinceMyshkin,
Are you referring to 'Pathway Across the sea?'
Helen


Without meaning to assume anything about your own biography, I would suggest that poems that deal so vividly with violence or terror attract us as writers because they do draw on something within us, and this is the second of your poems, I note that deals with transitions, with awkward or barred passages.

[Helen Clancy]

Hi Helen, I liked this very much for the way the fear and urgency built. You might like reading Margaret Atwood's Morning in the Burned House, this reminded me of her poem You Come Back.

I would tighten this up more without losing any of the urgency. The last two lines of S1 and first line of S2 are examples. I would rereference "Scared now" further down in that stanza and without say it so bluntly again. You have established very well that you are scared out of your wits in S1.

Thanks for your comments, Firefangled, I will look at Margaret Atwood's poem as you suggest. I have edited the poem. Here is my latest version. What do you think?

Storm beach


A single set of footprints follows me
across the ghostly white beach.
Banks of violent purple cloud gather,
like a furious army, swirling over my head.
Landscape and sea merge, a single dark mass,
silhouetted against a looming sky.

Scared now of those penetrating eyes
I once adored. I lay awake last night,
waiting for him to return,
while the moon mocked me.
It was no surprise to hear the news this morning,
another body found buried among the standing stones.

I cross the icy sand to the edge of a grassy dune,
sit huddled on prickly long grass,
trying to gain shelter
from the fierce cold wind,
but there is no shelter to be found.
from the fears that threaten to overwhelm me…


Helen

[Helen Clancy]

This is a wonderfully suspenseful poem, Helen, and a treat to read. Thanks! :)
Thanks for your comments CdnReader,
Helen

[Helen Clancy]

Whew! What a relief! You should write mystery then, because you make it come so to life! Yes, that was the very secret I was alluding to her keeping, that was "best not kept". You have a gift for getting into the other person's perspective.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/yoda.gif

Thanks Pendragon,
Helen

[barbara0207]

I think it's greatly improved. Your first one was strong already, but the edited version gave me the shivers - it's very dense and has powerful imagery reflecting the fear and desperation. Excellent.

[Helen Clancy]

Thanks Barbara,
Helen:

[firefangled]

Wow! This is quite a difference and much better in its structure. Well done!

[Helen Clancy]

Thanks Firefangled,
Helen