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Xillus_Xavier
10-03-2007, 06:52 PM
Became

Alone and lost amongst the trees,
the young one stood and wept.
He yearned for home upon his knees,
in fright as daylight slept.

He knelt in wait, but night remained,
as roaring clouds rolled in.
The skies became a beast unchained,
as rain beset his skin.

But in that dark and stormy bind,
the young one faced his fear.
When he arose in peaceful mind,
the skies began to clear.

With all the doubt and gloom at bay
the rays of dawn came down.
The sanguine light revealed the way -
A homeward path was found.

A timid boy no longer now,
he strolled beyond the trees.
Singling loud, he basked in how
he felt the sun and breeze.

His home would welcome him at last -
His goal and greatest need,
but if he ran the route too fast
he'd miss the sights to see.

So knowing now when things go wrong,
or if he's lost his way,
to face the fears by staying strong -
Became a man today.

ampoule
10-03-2007, 10:30 PM
I feel as though I have accidentally stumbled into a very private time in someone's life and also humble that I have been allowed to do so.
I enjoyed the flow and the rhyme.

And welcome by the way. :)

dibyendra
10-04-2007, 05:59 AM
Became

Alone and lost amongst the trees,
the young one stood and wept.
He yearned for home upon his knees;
In fright as daylight slept.


He knelt in wait but night remained,
As roaring clouds rolled in.
The skies became a beast unchained,
As rain beset his skin.


But in that dark and stormy bind,
The young one faced his fear.
And as he rose in peaceful mind,
The skies began to clear.


And with the doubt and gloom at bay,
The rays of dawn came down.
The sanguine light revealed the way;
A homeward path was found.


A timid boy no longer now,
He strolled beyond the trees.
Singling loud, he basked in how,
He felt the sun and breeze.


His home would welcome him at last -
His greatest goal and need.
But if he ran the route too fast,
He'd miss the sights to see.


So knowing now when things go wrong
Or if he's lost his way,
To face his fears by being strong.
Became a man today.


Well written Xillus ! Quite impressive one. I enjoyed this one while reading both meaning and rhyme. Well done and keep on writing ! :thumbs_up

Granny5
10-04-2007, 08:56 AM
Great. I enjoyed the rhyme and the story it tells.

CdnReader
10-04-2007, 09:24 AM
Wonderful! The rhyme and the structure seem effortless! :)

Pendragon
10-04-2007, 10:07 AM
I second the effortless feeling of the flow and rhyme. Nothing seems forced of breaks the flow at all. Very nicely done.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/Dale.gif

AuntShecky
10-04-2007, 11:36 AM
The structure of the piece is fine. So is the rhyme scheme.
Suggestions: put some heft into the verbs; make them more active, "manlier." Lose the couple of phrases that we've read so many times before. "Dark and stormy," for instance.
A good effort.
Auntie