Final Breath

[Pendragon]

Of course, this poem was not written about me, or my mother, as she is still living. For a friend who passed at a young age, leaving three children. She was like a sister, I wrote from the viewpoint of her husband. I discovered later, he really didn't have this viewpoint...


Final Breath

She softly exhaled her final breath,
And a peaceful smile lit up her face.
The silence echoed like the laugh of Death,

And I felt bad for wishing that he’d been sure and swift
And not let her suffer so. I knelt to give her one last embrace.
She softly exhaled her final breath,

Leaving me feeling lonely, sad and bereft,
With no one to help me run life’s race.
The silence echoed like the laugh of Death,

This invisible creature that had came, taken her, and left
Only her memories to fill up the space.
She softly exhaled her final breath,

And I held her hand and desperately wished
That I might somehow take her place.
The silence echoed like the laugh of Death—

Well, he’d taken the best wife in the whole length and breadth
Of the universe—in any place.
She softly exhaled her final breath—
The silence echoed like the laugh of Death…

D. L. Harris
©10/10/97

[ampoule]

You are such a master of this form! I have got to try it. I think I will get very frustrated though.
Interesting isn't it, how we all perceive things so differently? Even if it wasn't the husband's real memory it was a nice tribute from you.

[gothic]

this is nice,pen.may I ask you on which form it is based on?:alien: I know how stupid this is,but if ampoule hadn't mentioned,I wouldn't have even realized it:(

another thing,may I suggest you to modify the line-"the invisible creature had come,taken her and left" ? I think it would be better if you managed to change the words 'invisible creature'.I think they make the image a bit corny.
this is just a personal view,ofcourse.

[CdnReader]

Ooooh..... I like this line very much....



The silence echoed like the laugh of Death,

[symphony]

You are such a master of this form!

I second that!
I think the best way to treat a form is to make it invisible in your poem. That is, when the form doesnt make your poem anything less than what you wanted it to be. A form should never destroy the essence of a poem. Each of your villanelles make me think this form was made for you. None of your poems sound like the form has been imposed on them. The words just flow along with the form, and the two of them together make it a wonderful poem.

[Moira22100]

thats great
very intelligent

[ahsiam]

nice poem uncle pen. i liked the last line very much.its very touchy.

[dibyendra]

It's so heart touching poem Pen. It really made me cry Pen. You have written with the viewpoint of her husband and you have visualized how he might have felt while she was taking her a last breath. Such a marvelous expression you have expressed Pen ! :thumbs_up

[Pendragon]

this is nice,pen.may I ask you on which form it is based on?:alien: I know how stupid this is,but if ampoule hadn't mentioned,I wouldn't have even realized it:(

another thing,may I suggest you to modify the line-"the invisible creature had come,taken her and left" ? I think it would be better if you managed to change the words 'invisible creature'.I think they make the image a bit corny.
this is just a personal view,ofcourse.It's a villanelle, one of the French forms. 19 lines, the first and third lines repeat throughout in a fixed pattern. Five three line stanzas and a closing quadtrain. The center lines of the three line stanzas rhyme and the endwords of the other lines rhyme. It's a challange to write and not make it visible instantly that this is form poetry. Many of my sold poems were in this form, sonnet, or sestina.

I think I'll keep my line. The poem was written long ago like that, and it will remain. I always personify Death, and in this case, made him/her invisible, a silent creature of the Night, who is a woman to me.

Thanks for your comments. If you had to be told "form" to know one was there, I really did my job!

Pen

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