Renewed

[CdnReader]

.

Renewed

Shall I then reach out my hand?
and will you accept this gift
of my love renewed?

For the skies and the stars know of you
and your remembrance is true.
Within that dark sparkling galaxy
of desire.....
you and I once danced....
moonlight glittering in my hair
and a smile shining in your eyes.
I melted
deep within those azure pools
of love.

And the twilight shadows
embraced us as lovers,
and we danced through the nights,
moving and swaying in starlight's caress,
drifting to arm's length in the music's rhythm,
until the grey fingers of dawn
drew us close again.
And the sunrise, aflame,
salmon-pink, glittering gold....

and the dream begins again,
renewed.

.
cdn/28sep07
.

[PrinceMyshkin]

.

Renewed

Shall I then reach out my hand?
and will you accept this gift
of my love renewed?

For the skies and the stars know of you
and your remembrance is true.
Within that dark sparkling galaxy
of desire.....
you and I once danced....
moonlight glittering in my hair
and a smile shining in your eyes.
I melted
deep within those azure pools
of love.

And the twilight shadows
embraced us as lovers,
and we danced through the nights,
moving and swaying in starlight's caress,
drifting to arm's length in the music's rhythm,
until the grey fingers of dawn
drew us close again.
And the sunrise, aflame,
salmon-pink, glittering gold....

and the dream begins again,
renewed.

.
cdn/28sep07
.

OH! I LOVE this! One of your most lyrical and passionate! BUT

you need tofind some less obtrusive way to shift from the past tense, that is so firmly established throughout, to the present of those last two lines, if indeed you choose to maintain it in the present. The shift might be more graceful and indeed more magical if you made it as follows:


until the grey fingers of dawn
draw us close again.


"dawn" being implicitly a time of half-light, wherein which the distnction between past and present, between dream and reality, isn't necessarily as finite.

[Pendragon]

I don't known that I completely agree with Jerry, twilight and dawn for me are moments frozen in time for which there are now clear deliniations. Some view them as sunrise and sunset, others as the time when light remains in the sky after the sun has set and the first hint of light in the morning. For some it that flash when the edge of the sun's disc dips below the horizion.

I find it a mystical time, a "somewhen." Your poem is lovely. I also like the tying of the eding with the begining, as though you have come full circle.

Pen.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/yoda.gif

[CdnReader]

you need tofind some less obtrusive way to shift from the past tense, that is so firmly established throughout, to the present of those last two lines

I've read this over a few times, Jer, and I'm going to have to disagree. The first stanza and a half are also present tense, offering the stated "renewal"... then the story drifts into the past. I think the return to present tense in the last two lines emphasizes the repetitive nature of the "dance" in between, brings us back to the present-tense narrator who is recognizing the continuing cycle (and renewal) of the dream. :)

Pen....Thank you. I love the term "somewhen". I might have to borrow that sometime.... ;)

[PrinceMyshkin]

My final offer!


.
and the dream begins again,
renewed.

.
cdn/28sep07
.


and the dream remains
and is renewed.

or


and the dream will begin again,
renewed.

Offer expires as of midnight, EDT.

[CdnReader]

What happens after midnight? Dem words turn into punkins?

[CdnReader]

How about this?


And when the sun rises again, aflame,
salmon-pink, glittering gold....

the dream begins,
renewed.

[PrinceMyshkin]

How about this?

And when the sun rises again, aflame,
salmon-pink, glittering gold....

the dream begins,
renewed.

How about this:


the dream begins again,
renewed.

You might wish if you went for that to remove the "again" after "rises"... Or keep it there and consider:


the dream will begin,
renewed.

[Virgil]

Wow, how beautiful Cdn. Wonderful. I thought you handled the tenses fine, but I'm not a great judge of that unless I read it off a hard copy. For some reason it's hard for me to edit off a screen. But I thought this passage was really noteworthy:

For the skies and the stars know of you
and your remembrance is true.
Within that dark sparkling galaxy
of desire.....
you and I once danced....
moonlight glittering in my hair
and a smile shining in your eyes.

I can't say I have ever heard of the word "renewed". What does it mean, if you can share?

edit: Is that the past tense of renew? Silly me. Ignore that question. :blush:

[CdnReader]

PM, I like your second choice VERY much. Will repost the poem in its entirety, with new ending below.....

Thanks very much, Virgil. And yes, you're right about "renewed" being the past tense of "renew." ;)

[CdnReader]

Thanks, Jerry, for your patience and suggestions in sorting out that last verse. Much appreciated.

.

Renewed

Shall I then reach out my hand?
and will you accept this gift
of my love renewed?

For the skies and the stars know of you
and your remembrance is true.
Within that dark sparkling galaxy
of desire.....
you and I once danced....
moonlight glittering in my hair
and a smile shining in your eyes.
I melted
deep within those azure pools
of love.

And the twilight shadows
embraced us as lovers,
and we danced through the nights,
moving and swaying in starlight's caress,
drifting to arm's length in the music's rhythm,
until the grey fingers of dawn
drew us close again.

And when the sun rises, aflame,
salmon-pink, glittering gold....
the dream will begin again,
renewed.

.
cdn/28sep07
.

[symphony]

*wide-eyed* Lovely!

[CdnReader]

Thanks, Symphony. :D

[gothic]

"I melted
deep within those azure pools
of love."
and I also melted with these lines,cdn.'Love' is kind of a cliched subjuct for poetry to me.but I think your poem is going to 'renew' my view!

[CdnReader]

Thanks, Gothic. I thought the "of love" line was maybe a bit too corny, and perhaps it could be dropped, but then.... it's the way it spilled out, so I think I shall leave it. :D

[gothic]

Yes,I think you should,cdn.