"a ray from the sun is nothing but spear ...."

[loulued]

The sad days of the spring
------

The feeling covers my body
like a moisture of tears
my breath stays
deep,
inside my lungs,
scared to give me more minutes of life.

a ray from the sun
is nothing but spear
giving me only more loneliness
and his blinding shine
is my burning desire to disappear.

the sadests days are this time of the year,
the days,
when my love is
my enemy.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm not sure if English is your first language. If not you've done a very fine job (either way!) but I've corrected an error or two in red and recommended a change in blue

The sad days of the spring
------

The feeling covers my body
like a moisture of tears
my breath stays
deep,
inside my lungs,
reluctant to give me more minutes of life.

a ray from the sun
is nothing but a spear
causing me only more loneliness
and his blinding gleam
is my burning desire to disappear.

the saddests days are this time of the year,
the days,
when my love is
my enemy.

Very strong ending!

[loulued]

Thank you, your corrections are much appreiciated. Yes English is not my first language. But for some reason when I write the words come on English mostly.
I will think about your suggestions, to be honest they are not matching at all with my image but its maybe because i have to get used to them. But thank you for this too. The word "causing" is realy , how can i say, it breaks the line for me, but i'll search for a better one.

[Pendragon]

Then how about trying that line this way, if that change by Prince "breaks", by which I gather you mean "throws off your rythum": inflicting only more loneliness. This goes directly to the source of the problem in one word, and read alound seems to match rythum rather well. What do you think? And by the way, if you haven't been welcomed here as of yet, we are all poets who try to help each other. No masters, all students, learning from each other.

Pen.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[loulued]

Hi, thanx, I'm still digesting the suggestions, actually they are very good ones and i dont believe will change the piece that much so. well I'm a lot a "prima vista" person when writing, if that makes any sense :). Anyway I have something new so maybe i can share it too. Please excuse the lack of critiques but I'm not feeling really confident yet to do some.


Anger

I'm cracking and fowling,
my fingers are broken and filthy
digging the ground

wish I can loose it,
turn to a dust scratching your throat,
get into your veins
freeze them and make you believe,
that the fear is all that you are left to enjoy.

don't look for tomorrow,
never go sleep,
make this night the rest of your life.

I am a vampire,
but my killer
is your beautiful smile.

mm i have one other idea for the line "make this night the rest of your life." as to be "feel this night as the rest of your life" the idea is to give the impression of primal scare and mm person that knows that there is no tomorrow, maybe some of the people that have English as a first language can help me to express it better, but I'm really into simple words that are easy and feel as part of casual everyday talk. As well not sure if the word "beautiful" at the end line is needed at all?

btw this is a great place to be. happy to find it.