a fire inside........

[ahsiam]

hello guys! i am really scared to post anything 'cause u guys are sooooo.... talented in these subjects......
this is my second poem.if you have enough time then read it and please keep a comment.that will really inspire me.
well,here i go.....

the beauty of morning,calm and fair
never did sun shine so near
the river glided,wondrous harmony
the rain is in search of its own symphony.


a voice that has been heard in the heard
a smile that has been sparkled in the soft face
a wind-breeze that has floated in the soul
a passion that has been embraced by the life.

dreams!she born in a twilights' dream
thoughts!she arose in a forlorns' thought
she cant survive,without a sheart
she will be burnt mirth , will be a dirt
she is soft and splendour inside the sheart
but she searches for the light in the dark
and in the end she finds out.........


she is light in a dark night
she is brightness,no one can fight
she is pure,a fancy desire
she is love,a glowing fire.

[Pendragon]

hello guys! i am really scared to post anything 'cause u guys are sooooo.... talented in these subjects......
this is my second poem.if you have enough time then read it and please keep a comment.that will really inspire me.
well,here i go.....

the beauty of morning,calm and fair
never did sun shine so near
the river glided,wondrous harmony
the rain is in search of its own symphony.


a voice that has been heard in the heard
a smile that has been sparkled in the soft face
a wind-breeze that has been floated in the soul
a passion that has been embraced by the life.

dreams!she born in a twilights' dream
thoughts!she arose in a forlorns' thought
survive cant she,without a sheart
burnt mirth will be she, will be a dirt
soft and splendour is she inside the sheart
but she searches for the light in the dark
and in the end she finds out.........


light is she in a dark night
brightness is she, no one can fight
pure is she, a fancy desire
love is she,a glowing fire.Let's see here. You have some mistakes. I gather English isn't your first language, so you are doing well, just a few minor things. I would make ha hash of writing a poem in French, my second language.


the beauty of morning, calm and fair
never did the sun shine so near (did you mean "clear"?)
the river glided, wondrous harmony
the rain is in search of its own symphony.


a voice that has been heard in the head (I assume from the next verse you wern't referring to a "herd" of sheep)
a smile that has been sparkled in the soft face
a wind-breeze that has floated in the soul
a passion that has been embraced by the life.

(Editor note: in the above verse, it would tighten the poem, and add clarity just to leave out the words (that has been) in each line.)

dreams! she was born in a twilights' dream
thoughts! she arose in a forlorns' thought
she cannot survive , without a heart
she will be burnt mirth, will be dirt.
she is soft and splendour inside the heart
but she searches for the light in the dark
and in the end she finds out.........


she is light in a dark night
she is brightness, no one can fight
she is pure, a fancy desire
she is love, a glowing fire

I trust this helps. Order of words is your only real problem, and it will be defeated in time. If you meant another word than "heart" by "sheart" let me know, OK? I cannot read minds, although I have been accused of it.

I am Pen or Uncle Pen to most of LitNet. I would be pleased to call you friend, and if you need assistance, you may always PM me.

Good luck!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Peace.gif

[symphony]

Happy 2nd Poem! :p And see i told about the word order in the last stanza? Fix that and i think it'll be a wonderful poem.
I may be biased because u used my web-name in that line, but i really liked the line "the rain is in search of its own symphony" :D .

[ahsiam]

Let's see here. You have some mistakes. I gather English isn't your first language, so you are doing well, just a few minor things. I would make ha hash of writing a poem in French, my second language.


the beauty of morning, calm and fair
never did the sun shine so near (did you mean "clear"?)
the river glided, wondrous harmony
the rain is in search of its own symphony.


a voice that has been heard in the head (I assume from the next verse you wern't referring to a "herd" of sheep)
a smile that has been sparkled in the soft face
a wind-breeze that has floated in the soul
a passion that has been embraced by the life.

(Editor note: in the above verse, it would tighten the poem, and add clarity just to leave out the words (that has been) in each line.)

dreams! she was born in a twilights' dream
thoughts! she arose in a forlorns' thought
she cannot survive , without a heart
she will be burnt mirth, will be dirt.
she is soft and splendour inside the heart
but she searches for the light in the dark
and in the end she finds out.........


she is light in a dark night
she is brightness, no one can fight
she is pure, a fancy desire
she is love, a glowing fire

I trust this helps. Order of words is your only real problem, and it will be defeated in time. If you meant another word than "heart" by "sheart" let me know, OK? I cannot read minds, although I have been accused of it.

I am Pen or Uncle Pen to most of LitNet. I would be pleased to call you friend, and if you need assistance, you may always PM me.

Good luck!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Peace.gif

thank you very much uncle pen(i think i'll call you THAT:) )
I am really happy that you took a time to read.and yeh english is not my 1st language.
"never did the sun shine so near (did you mean "clear"?)"
yes i meant clear.
"a voice that has been heard in the head (I assume from the next verse you wern't referring to a "herd" of sheep)"
i am really very sorry because thats my writing mistake(oops).that will be heart. sheart means god's heart,i am not sure though.i will make sure.
and i'll make the other things right.
YOU will be pleased to call me FRIEND?thank you very much uncle pen:D .:D .:D
if i have any problem,i'll ofcourse PM you.
and again thanks for taking so much time for me.:D

[ahsiam]

Happy 2nd Poem! :p And see i told about the word order in the last stanza? Fix that and i think it'll be a wonderful poem.
I may be biased because u used my web-name in that line, but i really liked the line "the rain is in search of its own symphony" :D .

thank you,symph. and yeh i know i should've heard to you:( .
and i wont tell you thanks for reading this poem. you have to read everything or i'll kill you.:lol:

[gothic]

so,it's Ahsiam u took up as your name,eh?see,it's not that hard to find out someone in here!and you know what? I think it's amazing how you improved A LOT just by your second poem and I hope it goes on like that.just keep up the good work!:thumbs_up

[ahsiam]

yeh i know its not hard 'cause we guys found you too.:D
And thank you very much.
i am very happy that you liked my poem.:)

[scarlet pain]

As i told you in person that i'm in love(poem about love :D)with the first two stanzas,and third one is the completing stanza that is it completes the inner feeling of the poem,and the last stanza shows the way;sope....You can clearly understand how much i like the poem :).I've always had faith in you so keep going my dear friend.....with lots of love and good wishes and thank you for giving us a wonderful poem................

[ahsiam]

As i told you in person that i'm in love(poem about love :D)with the first two stanzas,and third one is the completing stanza that is it completes the inner feeling of the poem,and the last stanza shows the way;sope....You can clearly understand how much i like the poem :).I've always had faith in you so keep going my dear friend.....with lots of love and good wishes and thank you for giving us a wonderful poem................

thank you scarlet pain for such a nice comment and thank you very much for liking my poem.:D you are such a nice friend.:)