Last day on the Earth

[dibyendra]

First draft
Eyes open wide without any blinks -
and staring to the surroundings unfocused...
heading ahead with sheer torments inside...
Still, trying my best to become strong enough to stay calm -
but could not help myself.
My worst consciousness comes to life.
Now, mouth, it's getting dry.
Sight, it starts getting blurred.
Steps, they are turning heavy.
Air, it's becoming thicker to breathe.
Inner fears start the dance of the devil
and grip my soul fiercely.
Twisting and turnings of storms inside,
shivering of my body uncontrollably,
and now, paralyzing my existence.
Unconsciousness floats around the brain -
muting my voice of scream for help.
My soul then cries desperately to be free.
Every moments of my of life are in front of me,
just like a film roll,
all images are rewinding and forwarding in such a high speed -
and feeling if it is the last day on the Earth for me.

Second draft (Revised) Please Read This one.

Last day on the Earth

Eyes open wide without any blinks -
and staring to the surroundings unfocused...
I'm heading ahead with sheer torments inside.
Dark clouds above making suddenly a cloud-burst.
It turned out to rainstorm after a while.
Still, trying my best to be strong enough to stay calm -
but could not support myself.
My worst consciousness comes to life.
Suddenly, mouth, it's getting dry.
Eyesight, it's getting blurred.
Air, it's becoming thicker to breathe.
Steps, they are getting heavier.
Heartbeats, they are throbbing faster.
Hearing, it's getting impaired.
Inner fears start the dance of the devil -
and grip my soul fiercely.
Twisting and turnings of storms inside -
shivered my body uncontrollably -
and slowly paralyzing my existence.
I couldn't stop myself from stumbling onto a ground.
Unconsciousness floats around the brain -
muting my voice of scream for help.
My defenseless life, without armor, is struggling with the death.
It ripped my life apart with strong jab of sharp edged pain-
and threw my soul between life and the death.
My soul then cries desperately to get itself free from the frazzled body.
Eyes were secretly stapled shut without any body effort...
Suddenly, every moments of my of life are projected in front of me.
Just like a roll of film,
all images are rewinding and forwarding one after another randomly-
from my childhood to the state of youth.
I'm lying helplessly on the ground soaked by the heavy rain -
waiting for someone to come to save this dying life...
I can feel my blood and tears getting washed by this rain.
I have lost all the hopes to get alive again.
Goodbye mother, father, brothers, sisters and friends !
Goodbye everyone !
Goodbye mother Earth !
This must be the last day on the Earth for me.

[Pendragon]

May need a little polish, but I like the general picture I'm getting from the poem. It would be "roll of film" not "film roll", for example. I might put something there about the images not being very easily seen as they pass so quickly, you know, like a tv set that isn't working correctly and the image flips or flickers? Or images seen by a stobe light? Since you already mention the fact that your eyes are loosing focus and your mouth is dry, perhaps your hearing is picking up sounds not of this earth? The heart is but one organ that fails, true death is when the brain ceases to function. Just ideas, think about them in your most poetic way. I'm thinking winner on this poem, Dibby!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/yoda.gif

[dibyendra]

May need a little polish, but I like the general picture I'm getting from the poem. It would be "roll of film" not "film roll", for example. I might put something there about the images not being very easily seen as they pass so quickly, you know, like a tv set that isn't working correctly and the image flips or flickers? Or images seen by a stobe light? Since you already mention the fact that your eyes are loosing focus and your mouth is dry, perhaps your hearing is picking up sounds not of this earth? The heart is but one organ that fails, true death is when the brain ceases to function. Just ideas, think about them in your most poetic way. I'm thinking winner on this poem, Dibby!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/yoda.gif

Thank you very much Pen for your comment. Your comment helped me to think this scenario again from different angle. After working for few hours and more with the help of your suggestions, I've been able to come up with the following draft of this poem. This is a second draft of this poem.

Last day on the Earth

Eyes open wide without any blinks -
and staring to the surroundings unfocused...
I'm heading ahead with sheer torments inside.
Dark clouds above making suddenly a cloud-burst.
It turned out to rainstorm after a while.
Still, trying my best to be strong enough to stay calm -
but could not support myself.
My worst consciousness comes to life.
Suddenly, mouth, it's getting dry.
Eyesight, it's getting blurred.
Air, it's becoming thicker to breathe.
Steps, they are getting heavier.
Heartbeats, they are throbbing faster.
Hearing, it's getting impaired.
Inner fears start the dance of the devil -
and grip my soul fiercely.
Twisting and turnings of storms inside -
shivered my body uncontrollably -
and slowly paralyzing my existence.
I couldn't stop myself from stumbling onto a ground.
Unconsciousness floats around the brain -
muting my voice of scream for help.
My defenseless life, without armor, is struggling with the death.
It ripped my life apart with strong jab of sharp edged pain-
and threw my soul between life and the death.
My soul then cries desperately to get itself free from the frazzled body.
Eyes were secretly stapled shut without any body effort...
Suddenly, every moments of my of life are projected in front of me.
Just like a roll of film,
all images are rewinding and forwarding one after another randomly-
from my childhood to the state of youth.
I'm lying helplessly on the ground soaked by the heavy rain -
waiting for someone to come to save this dying life...
I can feel my blood and tears getting washed by this rain.
I have lost all the hopes to get alive again.
Goodbye mother, father, brothers, sisters and friends !
Goodbye everyone !
Goodbye mother Earth !
This must be the last day on the Earth for me.

[dibyendra]

I now suspect that second draft requires even more polishing :) or may require shortening a little bit of length of it. I wondered why I didn't get any response regarding this one. I would work hard on this one again if I get much more comments and suggestions regarding this poem.

Thank you !
Dibyendra

[dibyendra]

I guess I have shouted here too much. I'm sorry for that. I think this ain't a enjoyable poem at all. So, I shouldn't exceed this thread anymore. I think I have to give another try writing different which is coming into my mind right now. Thank you all for being silent after reading this poem. ;)

Dibyendra