poem for the thinking, judge it and send reply to me!

[mdew_47]

feelings of people

People are like machines!
When a machine is made it should work,
work till it is damaged.
Humans likewise when born,
should carry on their activities,
activities till death.

Machines are made to work for human,
Humans are born to work and carryon humanity.
Humans thus are like machine, but!

But,do humans cry when a machine is damaged,
Do they feel their absence;
Do they remember it,
their whole life.
Then tell me,
Why do people feel the loss,
the loss when a person dear dies;
what is this bond that bind us?

[Bakiryu]

It missing some of the feeling, the smoothness of poetry. Poetry should glide of the tongue and flow, this sounds a bit forced, like an essay.

[barbara0207]

Well, as you asked me I will certainly respond although you may not like the answer. I see in your profile that you are very young so you may know yourself that you still have to learn a lot about poetry. But I do not want to discourage you. You certainly have ideas, you long to communicate your thoughts. So when you write your next poem, you might keep the following points in mind:

1. Poetry is condension of thought.
I agree with Baki that your poem rather sounds like an essay where you explain at length what you mean. The poet condenses the ideas and puts them in a casket (imagery, form - even if seemingly formless there should be a lot of thought behind the decision how to arrange the sentences, where to use enjambments, where to repeat something or where to use other stylistic devices). Then the writer presents the reader with this casket - and ideally with some kind of key or instructions how to open the casket if he or she wants the message to be understood.

2. Poetry uses original imagery.
IMO you do not really use imagery, but just compare man and machines in a very straightforward way. What have they got in common, where are the differences - you tell the reader everything. There's no casket, no key - you present fast food on a silver salver.

3. Poetry is subtlety
Don't state bluntly what you mean but let the readers find out for themselves (see 1 and 2) and don't state the obvious. That people have feelings and machines haven't is a well-known fact and it seems to me that the reader does not get anything out of your poem beyond that.

My answer may sound cruel but I didn't want to hurt your feelings, I just want to help. Perhaps you might read some poetry e.g. by Shakespeare or Wordsworth or any other well-known poet to see what I mean and then start writing again. Good luck! :)

[AuntShecky]

Again, a splendid topic choice, but perhaps you would want to work on the form.
Instead of the simple declarative sentence beginning the poem --
try this--
A human being
is a machine

that. . .(then make your comparisons)
I agree with the previous poster's comments
Poems condense or distill thought by way of imagery. Don't forget Coleridge's advice to use "the best words in the best order."

also, I would use the ! exclamation point sparingly.