Help me be your living shrine

[SleepyWitch]

erhem, cough, grrr argh.. here's the first draft of a new poem I've just written.
it's not exactly the apogee of artistic talent, just something I wanted to write


http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o120/SleepyWitch/15463GreenleafEDITED.jpg

Please help me be your living shrine
I hope you're where you wann be now,
still wearing your momma's ring.
I hope you're up there with the stars now,
where you always wanted to be.

They said you're too sweet to play the heavy,
and then too heavy to play Mr Nice,
but after so many turn-downs
you still "stuck with your friggin' guns"
spreading love and warmth along the way.

I like to think that, like the turtle in winter,
you're just taking a damn long sleep,
contend with your garden of roses.
Not quite the son of a preacher man,
you lived on smoke and vodka
while St Francis' statue kept watch
over you and your furry friends.

And your soft drawl and laid-back slouch
remind me of the future you saw ahead.
Never a bad word about anyone,
yet you stood up for your friends.
In the shadow of the stars
you stayed true to yourself.

I like to think you're still out there,
still ready to keep coming back,
Like the turtle in winter,
just taking a damn long sleep.
And while your house is empty,
your love still sticks around.
But wherever you may be now
please help me be your living shrine.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There is something about the deep ache in the title & the closing line, that wasn't present in the rest of the poem, as interesting as the details were.

[SleepyWitch]

yeah, i figured that would be the case. too bad :(

[Virgil]

It has a nice feel to it, Sleepy. It kind of feels like a song more than a straight poem, not that that makes a difference one way or the other. I see positives and negatives. I'm at work, so I can't really get into it too much, but I liked this stanza best:


I like to think that, like the turtle in winter,
you're just taking a damn long sleep,
contend with your garden of roses.
Not quite the son of a preacher man,
you lived on smoke and vodka
while St Francis' statue kept watch
over you and your furry friends.

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, I wrote it while listening to a song :) it sounds much better when you listen to the song while reading it (because of the song, not the poem ;)).
hehe, feel free to stone me to death after you finish work, maybe I can brush it up with your help :)

[SleepyWitch]

hurumpf, I knew i would regret writing this sooner or later, an sooner or later is now :)

[barbara0207]

No need to regret it, Sleepy. I was impressed by the deep mourning. You expressed the remembrances of that dead friend or relative and your feelings about the person very well. Only in a few places it seemed a bit wordy. If you tried to be more concise, it would be an excellent poem. I would like to read your revised version. To express mourning in a way that the reader gets the true feeling is one of the hardest things to do (because it hurts, and our culture has hardly any traditions in that field outside religion). But I think I got how you feel, so it would be a pity if you let go.

[SleepyWitch]

No need to regret it, Sleepy. I was impressed by the deep mourning. You expressed the remembrances of that dead friend or relative and your feelings about the person very well. Only in a few places it seemed a bit wordy. If you tried to be more concise, it would be an excellent poem. I would like to read your revised version. To express mourning in a way that the reader gets the true feeling is one of the hardest things to do (because it hurts, and our culture has hardly any traditions in that field outside religion). But I think I got how you feel, so it would be a pity if you let go.

thanks barbara. well, he's not a dead relative or friend, something far sillier than that (won't tell you who at the moment because it's not that important, plus I want the poem to speak for its own crappy self). hehe, I didn't mean to draw too much attention to myself, sorry.
which parts do you think are too wordy?

[barbara0207]

I was afraid of that question. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? Now I'm stuck with it. *sigh* :D

If you ask me (ok, you did), the first stanza does not tell us very much. You might start with the second stanza. Then there's the second line in the fourth stanza and the last line but one in the last stanza.

The image of the turtle is very expressive, but I'm not sure if the repetition is really necessary.

Of course this is just my opinion; other litnetters may beg to differ.

[Virgil]

Here's my negative Sleepy. This stanza is kind of boring:

I hope you're where you wann be now,
still wearing your momma's ring.
I hope you're up there with the stars now,
where you always wanted to be.

The repeative begining to the sentences seems unimaginative.

By the way, what's the picture of? It looks like an American style house.

On another note, do you or anyone know what has happened to Schoky? I thought she was just gone for the summer. But summer is well over and still no Schoky. She's such a sweet and intelligent person. She's missed. :(

[SleepyWitch]

about Schoky, I talked to her on ICQ a couple of weeks ago and she said she had some issues with univ, parents and so on. hum... we've still got holidays over her, so "summer" could mean anything. term starts again in mid-October.
I've just messaged her, but she's off-line. I'll let you know when she replies.
*******************
thanks barbara and Virgil!
yeah, I know the first stanza is very boring and doesn't mean anything to you. i guess that's partly because you don't know who it is about. hahahaha, I'm beginning to make mysteries out of not-so-very-exciting things...(there's another member here who does that a lot, it's about time I joined his club, hu? :D).
anyway, to those who know who the poem is about the first stanza and other details would make sense, but I'm not yet sunk so low as to post it on a page-of-those-who-know-who-it-is-about. Yep that is an American style house, there's a smart boy ;) heeheeheee, right, before I make a mystery of a baaaaad poem that doesn't deserve it, I'll explain it. change the colour and font size if you really wanna know:
*********spoiler: please, read only after you've trashed the poem in its own right**************
ok, I'll admit it, it's a fangirl poem for one of my fave actors: DeForest Kelley, 1920-1999, born in Georgia as the son of a Baptist minister. He was Dr McCoy on Star Trek. He came to Hollywood as a young man and was kinda destined to be a star/ at least get his own show, but then the war intervened and after the war the "studio system" (in which actors were contracted and groomed to become stars) broke down. He wanted to act in Western series but the producers said he was much too nice to play a bad guy. Once he got to play the bad guy, he got typecast and when he auditioned for other roles (incl. Star Trek) they said he was too much of a bad guy and so forth. But he took it all in his stride.
what's so special about him??? Weaull, he was real nahc. *immitating southern drawl* and stayed down-to earth, although he got famous. He also never was a schmoozer. He befriended lots of normal people like you and me and encouraged them to pursue their dreams and careers.
He and his wife lived a very quiet life with their pets, spending a lot of time at home or with their friends.
On the Star Trek set, when Shatner and Nimoy put on their star airs, he always kept in the background and helped guest stars find their way around in the Star Trek universe. He was always laid-back, incredibly funny and nice to everyone.
hahah, now I've summarized half his bio... yeah, he died of stomach cancer in 1999.
anyways, I wish I could be a nice person like him, so he's my new role model. and in the absence of a grandmother or dead Uncle Edward to mourn about, I thought I'd write a soppy fangirl poem. sorry for rambling so much


anyways, if the muse comes back I'll do something about the first stanza. thanks for your help!

[Pendragon]

I like the idea of a "living shrine." To live the memory of a friend, how could that get much better. The poem does need work, but that closing is so strong that it binds together the weaker parts. I do not know how I would change it. For me, anyway, grief and rememberance is a personal feeling that the poet must express for him or herself. Good Luck!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Uncle Pen... i think I'd better scrap the rest of the poem and build a whole new one around that last line!