I Don't Know

[TheFifthElement]

I walk on the edge of nature,
torn between need
and longing.
Above my head the sun
is a crested crescent,
heavy-haloed.
I don’t know this sun
it’s not of me,
an alien body
torn with beauty.

I am not one with these
fields, or hills that
stretch in placid humps,
soft as a bowling ball.
Grasses tickle my ankles,
‘remember me?’
Crushed beneath my feet
I cannot hear the voices
speak of memories
I do not know.

There is a road that leads
to where I’ve been.
Follow the road.
It leads to home,
a warm fire licks the grate
and drowns the scent
of people I do not know.
I walk on the edge of
nature, and I’m torn.

[CdnReader]

Wow! This is a great poem, Fifth.... especially this....



Above my head the sun
is a crested crescent,
heavy-haloed.

...and this....


I walk on the edge of
nature, and I’m torn.


Beautiful.

[firefangled]

I walk on the edge of nature,
torn between need
and longing.
Above my head the sun
is a crested crescent,
heavy-haloed.
I don’t know this sun
it’s not of me,
an alien body
torn with beauty.

I am not one with these
fields, or hills that
stretch in placid humps,
soft as a bowling ball.
Grasses tickle my ankles,
‘remember me?’
Crushed beneath my feet
I cannot hear the voices
speak of memories
I do not know.

There is a road that leads
to where I’ve been.
Follow the road.
It leads to home,
a warm fire licks the grate
and drowns the scent
of people I do not know.
I walk on the edge of
nature, and I’m torn.




Excellent Fifth, loved the ending.

[Pendragon]

Strong ending anchoring this pylon.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[motherhubbard]

There is a road that leads
to where I’ve been.
Follow the road.
It leads to home,
a warm fire licks the grate
and drowns the scent
of people I do not know.
I walk on the edge of
nature, and I’m torn.




I loved this ending, but the bowling ball seemed out of place to me-
other than the bowling ball I liked the poem

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you all.

Motherhubbard - Thank you for commenting. I understand why you would be uncomfortable with the bowling ball image, actually that was what I intended. It's a strange thing, nature, the hills seem soft and smooth and beautiful, and yet they are not. The image was deliberately awkward in that respect, reflecting both sides to the nature of the landscape. I'm glad it had an effect (even if you didn't like it!). :)

[kiz_paws]

I loved the way this poem flowed, Fifth, and the ending was particularly powerful. :thumbs_up

[farnoosh]

excellent!!

[Lote-Tree]

[CENTER]I walk on the edge of nature,
torn between need
and longing.


I loved the opening :-)



Above my head the sun
is a crested crescent,
heavy-haloed.


Not sure about the crested crescent bit but heavy haloed - very good :-)




Grasses tickle my ankles,
‘remember me?’


I love these lines!



There is a road that leads
to where I’ve been.
Follow the road.
It leads to home,
a warm fire licks the grate
and drowns the scent
of people I do not know.
I walk on the edge of
nature, and I’m torn.


Perfect ending!

[Pensive]

Lovely! My favourite part is this:


I walk on the edge of
nature, and I’m torn.

The rhythm, the possible interpretions; everything is just beautiful in it!

[quasimodo1]

Preceeding this comment, a disclaimer that any critique or comment is just that and not that last word. Given that, I think your poem is excellent and stands well and will not need any revision, which would probably only detract from it's integrity as the fine piece of work that it is. quasimodo1

[SleepyWitch]

I walk on the edge of
nature, and I’m torn.


my fave line, too!
the bowling ball is alright with me. what is it about? nature not being as beautiful as it seems or someone who's not able to connect with nature although they'd like to?

[TheFifthElement]

my fave line, too!
the bowling ball is alright with me. what is it about? nature not being as beautiful as it seems or someone who's not able to connect with nature although they'd like to?

Thanks Sleepy! The poem is about not being able to connect with anything, neither nature nor home/family, about the realisation that we are individual and alone.

I suppose it's the opposite of the buddhist principle. In Buddhism you are at one with everything, you are everything and everything is you - this is very much the opposite to that, the feeling that everything is outside of you, that you can't relate and are not part of it, as it is not part of you.

Thanks also to Pensive, Kiz paws, farnoosh and quasimodo1 :) ... Oh, and Lote (can't forget Lote! :D )

[Granny5]

Fifth, I love your poem. And I understand the bowling ball part. When reading it, I could see the rolling hills that were covered with soft grasses but could leave bruises if one happens to fall. I think it's lovely.

[Lote-Tree]

In Buddhism you are at one with everything, you are everything and everything is you


Not in Buddhism but also many form of Mysticism too including Christian, Judaic and Islamic.



- this is very much the opposite to that, the feeling that everything is outside of you, that you can't relate and are not part of it, as it is not part of you.


Still going through teenage angsty phase Supreme Being?

[SleepyWitch]

i like the bowling ball because it's a reversal of romantic imagery. normally we compare something mundane to a beautiful natural scene to make it look more exhalted. here it's the other way round, the guy wants to connect with nature but all he can see is a bowling ball, because he's so used to seeing artificial things it's made him blind and numb to the beauty of nature.... hehe, sorry if I misinterpretet your poem, Fifth

[TheFifthElement]

i like the bowling ball because it's a reversal of romantic imagery. normally we compare something mundane to a beautiful natural scene to make it look more exhalted. here it's the other way round, the guy wants to connect with nature but all he can see is a bowling ball, because he's so used to seeing artificial things it's made him blind and numb to the beauty of nature.... hehe, sorry if I misinterpretet your poem, Fifth

I like your interpretation! One of the best parts of poetry is how the reader interprets it - often in ways you didn't anticipate.


Fifth, I love your poem. And I understand the bowling ball part. When reading it, I could see the rolling hills that were covered with soft grasses but could leave bruises if one happens to fall. I think it's lovely.

Thank you for this Granny5 :)


Not in Buddhism but also many form of Mysticism too including Christian, Judaic and Islamic.
Still going through teenage angsty phase Supreme Being?

He he he :lol: , do we ever grow out of it?!

Actually, the poem was written in anticipation of an emotion which didn't happen. If you'd like to know more you could always CHECK OUT MY BLOG!

Angsty and shameless, what a combo!

[Lote-Tree]

He he he :lol: , do we ever grow out of it?!


Perhaps not. But I was joking :D

You can be teenie angsty anytime you like :D



If you'd like to know more you could always CHECK OUT MY BLOG!


Would do if you given us a link :D

[TheFifthElement]

Would do if you given us a link :D

Oh, if you insist ;)

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/blogs/viewblog.php?userid=37531

[Lote-Tree]

Oh, if you insist ;)

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/blogs/viewblog.php?userid=37531

hey how you do you get to start a blog here and I can't ? :D

[TheFifthElement]

hey how you do you get to start a blog here and I can't ? :D


You will be able to! If you click on the "Blogs" drop down arrow on the function bar above there should be an option to 'Set up your own Blog'. Click and start...


...Uh oh! Have I just unleashed a monster?....

[Lote-Tree]

You will be able to! If you click on the "Blogs" drop down arrow on the function bar above there should be an option to 'Set up your own Blog'. Click and start...


:-( there is no such option for me :-(



...Uh oh! Have I just unleashed a monster?....


Is that for everyone - or just me? :D