airs life street

[blp]

Airs life street

On a city street
the grey eclipse light casts the mass, people on the pavement, dulling shadows and lines, making grey shadows of

city noise-––
a tug at a coat sleeve
from a child wanting sweets;

sheets of lit glass
and

Oh

here it is


( a sing-songy voice
out
of
tune )


they stepped out of the wind

and into a room of points

because I just really wanted
to show you this



(someone else’s) singular moment

pricked out in a pattern of fine dots




love, soft as blurring,
a splash of colour in a monochrome puddle




leaves blow down the street





*

[TheFifthElement]

Wow, this is just fantastic.

[blp]

*beaming* Thanks, fifth.

[jon1jt]

Airs life street

On a city street
the grey eclipse light casts the mass, people on the pavement, dulling shadows and lines, making grey shadows of

city noise-––
a tug at a coat sleeve
from a child wanting sweets;

sheets of lit glass
and

Oh

here it is


( a sing-songy voice
out
of
tune )


they stepped out of the wind

and into a room of points

because I just really wanted
to show you this



(someone else’s) singular moment

pricked out in a pattern of fine dots




love, soft as blurring,
a splash of colour in a monochrome puddle




leaves blow down the street





*


you're out of the gate with a raw cityscape image, blp - a minimalist portrayal if you don't mind my labeling it that. the poem's manner in which it breaks into elemental lines and shapes, distilling. the "i just wanted to..." is a bit superfluous, no? maybe not. and "on a city street"?

S3 and S7 in particular, in addition to their cliche imagery, tend to disrupt and detract from that distilling and ultimate fulfillment of minimal movement.

overall i really like it.

[firefangled]

loved this blp...the shadow is a great touch...reminds me of a James Wright line in A Blessing...but for a different reason...

this was beautiful!


love, soft as blurring,
a splash of colour in a monochrome puddle

[Pendragon]

Loved this line in particular, BLP:

love, soft as blurring,
a splash of colour in a monochrome puddle


somthing about that just says so much

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[white camellia]

Loved this line in particular, BLP:

love, soft as blurring,
a splash of colour in a monochrome puddle




Oh this excellent metaphor...

[motherhubbard]

you always so so much with so little- great poem!

[white camellia]

you always so so much with so little- great poem!
So funny but accurate a comment, motherhubbard. :D

[Riesa]

.reminds me of a James Wright line in A Blessing...



ah. one of my favorite poems of all time. :)

I liked it blp.

the child's voice and sheets of lit-glass was what did it for me.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There will always be some to niggle over this or that, missing the big picture which is the spontaneity of the poet's response to what he encounters, the strikingly vivid AND the occasional cliche, an inevitable part of life.

This piece sings with the blood of the man walking through it, alive. ALIVE!

[blp]

Thanks all. I am glad it's appreciated and, no, I don't mind the minimalist tag, jon, though I don't see those things you mentioned as clichés. But I have to admit, while I don't mean to imply that any of you are wrong to like it, I'm a little bored by the whole. I haven't had much time for writing poetry lately and this felt like a stopgap. It's also the fourth poem I've written in this bitty, restrained style that comes out of reading Creeley and Oppen. It might still be working in terms of the results, but it feels like it's run out for me emotionally. Course I could just be tired. Hey ho. Thanks for reading and commenting.