this is a poem written by me!

[mdew_47]

confination!

protons,electrons, confined to the atom!

blood corpuscles,cells confined to the human body!

humans confined to the society and to the house where he lives!

animals and plants confined to this earth!

earth itself confined to the solar system and the solar system to the galaxy!

and the galaxy confined to the universe!

but fellow humans can you tell me to what the universe is confined!

No, you can't because then you will be god!

[mdew_47]

please send an opinion to the poem!

[Bakiryu]

Needs some more editing, but overall is good.

[Pendragon]

As Ryu stated, it needs editing, which you should always try to do before posting. You have several places where the words are stuck together when they needed a space. The framework and general structure of the poem is solid, and builds nicely from an atom to the universe. But it lacks a certain rhythm, it doesn't flow well when read out loud. I would suggest this as it has helped me before: read the poem aloud into a recorder and then play it back and listen with your eyes closed. This will aid in catching just where the flow breaks the wrong way. Then you can change maybe a single word in a line, or a phrase in another until the flow is right.

Good luck, and welcome.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[Bakiryu]

It would be a great poem if she just changed a bit of the words around. Like this

Confined isolation
Protons, electrons bound and melded to atoms
Blood corpuscles, cells that make up a body
Humans confined to society and frail house
All things that breathe confined to this earth
Earth itself bound to the solar system,
and the system itself bound to the galaxy
Galaxies tied to universe
But then can you tell me to what the universe is confined?






(Of course mine sucks and you should completely disregard it as an example :D)

[barbara0207]

Good idea for a poem. :thumbs_up

But the first thing you should do is remove the exclamation marks (the way Baki did). The readers get the impression they are being shouted at. You can make your point without shouting. ;)

Secondly, I do not like the ending very much. It's too obvious; driving your point home with a hammer can be found in political speeches, but a poem should be more subtle - IMO.

[mdew_47]

Thank You All For Your Advices.

[ampoule]

Good idea for a poem. :thumbs_up

But the first thing you should do is remove the exclamation marks (the way Baki did). The readers get the impression they are being shouted at. You can make your point without shouting. ;)

Secondly, I do not like the ending very much. It's too obvious; driving your point home with a hammer can be found in political speeches, but a poem should be more subtle - IMO.

mdew...I rather disagree with this. I love exclamation points and I never feel as though I'm being shouted at. I know that if I'm the one using them, I am certainly not shouting. I think they show an urgency, the way you would want me to read your poem aloud. I always thought that typing in all caps, especially bold all caps, signifies shouting, although that probably refers more to today's poetry via word processors.
I'm rather 50/50 about the last line. I like subtlety but I also love to hear a poet's burning and fervor and passion.

[barbara0207]

mdew...I rather disagree with this. I love exclamation points and I never feel as though I'm being shouted at. I know that if I'm the one using them, I am certainly not shouting. I think they show an urgency, the way you would want me to read your poem aloud. I always thought that typing in all caps, especially bold all caps, signifies shouting, although that probably refers more to today's poetry via word processors.
I'm rather 50/50 about the last line. I like subtlety but I also love to hear a poet's burning and fervor and passion.

Fervor and passion - yes, by all means. But look at the great poets. How many exclamation marks do they use in their poetry? Very few - because the fervor and passion are all in the words - and in subtle words, too. Look at Shakespeare, for example "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun". It contains all the passion you can ask for but not a single exclamation mark. As far as I know that goes for all his sonnets. In his plays it's different. A word like "Anon!" must have an exclamation mark because the actor actually exclaims it.

That is why I think you should use exclamation marks sparingly - if at all - in poetry.

[ampoule]

Fervor and passion - yes, by all means. But look at the great poets. How many exclamation marks do they use in their poetry? Very few - because the fervor and passion are all in the words - and in subtle words, too. Look at Shakespeare, for example "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun". It contains all the passion you can ask for but not a single exclamation mark. As far as I know that goes for all his sonnets. In his plays it's different. A word like "Anon!" must have an exclamation mark because the actor actually exclaims it.

That is why I think you should use exclamation marks sparingly - if at all - in poetry.

I am sure you are correct. Excellent points.

[AuntShecky]

Good-- maybe great-- choice of topic. I agree with Bakiryu
about formalizing the lines: you can add to the meaning just with a choice of where the lines end. Oh, yes, lose the
exclamation points. And the poem reads much better without the last line. I'm not trying to be harsh -- believe me!
I'd say this is a pretty good effort for your first try!
Auntie