Bakiryu
09-15-2007, 09:35 PM
Hullo, I need some constructive criticism. Can you please read this draft (it's really short) and comment. Pretty please?
Her first memory of that day was being caught in the rain. Drizzling rain. Cursing rain. Loved and hated rain. It was her one and only memory. She was eight years old.
It had rained for months, flooding the plains and destroying the huts. The guava trees on the patio were empty and forlorn and the corn drooped in defeat.
The road was deserted, it had been for ages, living so far away from the city. The only cover from the heavenly assault was the forest, menacing at night through a child's eyes.
She ran, eyes closed until no droplets touched her face.
Opening her eyes she saw a cave, dark, empty but above all: dry. She fell grateful into dreamless sleep.
*********************
"Oi! What's this?" Vada nosed.
Cien fluttered before coming down "Weird. Look at it, all hairless and smooth."
"I'm hairless!" Nami wailed.
"You're also blue," Vedra pointed out.
"No wait," he picked up a loose braid, "it does have hair!"
"What an odd color! Can I change it?"
"Can I poke it?"
"Nami calm down."
The faerie giggled as they danced round her, faster, faster, wingtips touching, double hearts beating faster. Until dawn they danced and the trees danced with then, the rain stopped falling and the sky turned the color of her eyes.
Until her lids started fluttering.
"Good Bye!" each one muttered as they left, kissing her on an exposed cheek.
*********************************
"Oh gods!" it was too late and her house was far.
Still, she ran all the way, braids bouncing on her back.
Thump. Thump. Thump. They drummed a pattern, music of curls and wrapped twine.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Feet on wet ground sang.
At last. Home.
She opened the door, grubby fingers and half-dry clothes.
Her mother was on the kitchen, she walked fast.
"I'm back!" her heavy backpack landed on the floor. thump.
Rai-da looked up, bread on hand.
"Oh gods!"
Thump.
"Your hair is silver! Maldita*."
Thump. Thump. Thump. Her heart beat.
And that was forever her name.
______________________________
*Maldita is the female verb for cursed in spanish
Her first memory of that day was being caught in the rain. Drizzling rain. Cursing rain. Loved and hated rain. It was her one and only memory. She was eight years old.
It had rained for months, flooding the plains and destroying the huts. The guava trees on the patio were empty and forlorn and the corn drooped in defeat.
The road was deserted, it had been for ages, living so far away from the city. The only cover from the heavenly assault was the forest, menacing at night through a child's eyes.
She ran, eyes closed until no droplets touched her face.
Opening her eyes she saw a cave, dark, empty but above all: dry. She fell grateful into dreamless sleep.
*********************
"Oi! What's this?" Vada nosed.
Cien fluttered before coming down "Weird. Look at it, all hairless and smooth."
"I'm hairless!" Nami wailed.
"You're also blue," Vedra pointed out.
"No wait," he picked up a loose braid, "it does have hair!"
"What an odd color! Can I change it?"
"Can I poke it?"
"Nami calm down."
The faerie giggled as they danced round her, faster, faster, wingtips touching, double hearts beating faster. Until dawn they danced and the trees danced with then, the rain stopped falling and the sky turned the color of her eyes.
Until her lids started fluttering.
"Good Bye!" each one muttered as they left, kissing her on an exposed cheek.
*********************************
"Oh gods!" it was too late and her house was far.
Still, she ran all the way, braids bouncing on her back.
Thump. Thump. Thump. They drummed a pattern, music of curls and wrapped twine.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Feet on wet ground sang.
At last. Home.
She opened the door, grubby fingers and half-dry clothes.
Her mother was on the kitchen, she walked fast.
"I'm back!" her heavy backpack landed on the floor. thump.
Rai-da looked up, bread on hand.
"Oh gods!"
Thump.
"Your hair is silver! Maldita*."
Thump. Thump. Thump. Her heart beat.
And that was forever her name.
______________________________
*Maldita is the female verb for cursed in spanish