Evil Takes Over

[toms_girl]

Abuse locks me deep inside,
Hurtful comments no longer hide,
Sleepless nights stand in my way,
Everything’s far from being ok.
I stand up, pain pushes me back,
Fear ties me up in a tight fit sack.
I walk away from the heart-breaking scene,
Let my thoughts go,
Leave my mind to clean.
Happiness has been locked, deep deep down,
Too scared to move, or make a sound.
Evil takes over, Evil is proud,
Of the pain it’s caused, laughing aloud.

[Koa]

Hi, I'll comment on this one but it's meant for all the others too... I like the darkness in your poetry cos I can relate to this way of writing... But...it's an opinion I've expressed often in this forum and I can't shut up this time either ;)... The Rhyme. I think the rhymes cause part of the darkness to be lost...And it's a shame. Whenever I read something that rhymes, in my mind it ends up being so rhythmical, like a nursery rhyme...and some of the meaning is a bit taken away by the rhythm :( Now I don't mean you have to change your stuff, it can work, as it does (not everyone is as fussy as me about rhymes :D), as it is, but I'm always on the side of free verse, especially when the matter is deep and dark... Rhyme makes it too 'happy' and sometimes it doesn't fit. I say sometimes cos for example in this poem, I think it does fit quite well in the last lines, cos it gives a 'beating' sense. But some other times, not in this poem but in general, having all the lines rhyming can be a bit 'heavy', or actually too 'light'.

[toms_girl]

:) i can totally understand your point, i just find it hard to write poems that don't rhyme. it makes me feel they have no ryhthm, i gues thats just my veiw though. thanks for your opinion though, i can see how it makes them happy, and i may try and write a poem that doesn't rhyme (if i can manage it) hehe. xxxxx :p

[Koa]

Lol well of course you don't have to, if it's a struggle...I just can't help ranting about rhymes from time to time ;) For me it's the opposite, when my things rhyme it's mostly by chance, I have no sense of rhythm and I can't force myself to follow rhythm. Different ways, different styles. Keep up the good job and follow how you feel :)