Touch

[stormy sky]

I'm stiff as an oak tree,
born with a straight bent of unyeilding bone
my body bereft of grace,
and i was once told,long ago by my mother,
a puppet would dance better
But in your arms ..
I bend.....
Like a slender stalk of wildflower
I bend...........
Upwards,downwards,sideways,
Like a blueflowered creeper,like wet clay
I bend

A finger on the small of my back
I arch........
a kiss on my waist
I curve.....
your teeth on my shoulder
I wilt.....
your tongue on my thigh
I stretch......
Your blatant ,brazen hands.....
your hands give me form.

[Granny5]

Oh my Gosh! It's beautiful, just beautiful.

[motherhubbard]

wow! I think I'll go read that one again.

[motherhubbard]

yes, that was good. Just as steamy the second time. I really liked that.

[stormy sky]

i'm glad you liked it....

[Virgil]

Very nice Stormy. I like it. Welcome to lit net, by the way. Feel free to post more and comment on ours.

[TheFifthElement]

Very passionate poem, stormy sky. Lovely indeed. I look forward to reading more.

[Pendragon]

Whoa! A great one straight out of the starting gate! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/yoda.gif

[PrinceMyshkin]

Beautiful indeed - but would you consider dropping the last two lines? They kind of sum the poem up for us whereas all the lines before them are so much more visceral and sensual.

[motherhubbard]

I like it better with the last two lines myself.

[Granny5]

Beautiful indeed - but would you consider dropping the last two lines? They kind of sum the poem up for us whereas all the lines before them are so much more visceral and sensual.

Prince, what is it with you and the "last two lines"? I like it with the last two lines. Didn't you say the same thing earlier today??

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince, what is it with you and the "last two lines"? I like it with the last two lines. Didn't you say the same thing earlier today??

I don't remember off-hand where else I might have said it but what I often find (and usually object to) is that our courage sometimes fails us at the end of a poem. Either we're reluctant to let go of it or we mistrust the reader to "get it" and so we kind of tuck the baby into bed, make sure the covers are nicely pulled up and lean over to give it an extra kiss on the forehead...

Try to imagine this poem if it had ended with


your tongue on my thigh
I stretch......

I would love to have been left with that stretch, to have watched it extend itself in my imagination...

[Granny5]

I don't remember off-hand where else I might have said it but what I often find (and usually object to) is that our courage sometimes fails us at the end of a poem. Either we're reluctant to let go of it or we mistrust the reader to "get it" and so we kind of tuck the baby into bed, make sure the covers are nicely pulled up and lean over to give it an extra kiss on the forehead...

Try to imagine this poem if it had ended with


I would love to have been left with that stretch, to have watched it extend itself in my imagination...

It was yesterday to Cdnreader....but I see your point. Still, as a female type I like the hand thingy. But I like the hand thingy anyway.:blush:

[motherhubbard]

I like the hand part too. I could see it at the first of that second part and in that way keep it and leave one to their own thoughts at the end.

[Granny5]

Well, I like it as it is. I think it's a wonderful poem.

[stormy sky]

Sans the last two lines the poem would still be effective,but it would seem a little incomplete,rudely snipped off..........i like it neatly tied at the end, it seems to complete the image.what do you think?

[PrinceMyshkin]

I've surely had my say about this and I tremble at awakening the wrath of the Ozark Ogres, but I feel as if neatly tying it up at the end goes precisely against the sense of opening up, that begins at


A finger on the small of my back
I arch........

an unfolding that is left to one to continue mentally after


your tongue on my thigh
I stretch......

[stormy sky]

What you say is true,and a certain direct flow from the poem to the reader would have been prominent i.e the mental continuation,had i not wrapped it up.
but i really like the image of the hands at the end.
but if u still prefer it without the last two lines ,ignore them,so long as the poem reaches you,im satisfied

[motherhubbard]

prince! you hurt my feelers

[firefangled]

Your blatant ,brazen hands.....
your hands give me form.




First of all, Stormy Sky, welcome to Lit-Net and congratulations on such a fine poem.

I have to say, I appreciate Granny's take on this. I am very fond of the hand thingy myself.

Seriously, for me the last two lines neither sum up nor are they not even more visceral than those preceeding them.

This is a slow seduction, taking us from the stiffness and guardedness of an unmoving oak to the status of a fragile wildflower and something as sunstantive yet maleable as wet clay (a beautifully well placed metaphor).

Then we move out of metaphor into the pure sensuousness of the body, and start that, with of all things, a finger on the small of a back (As Ampoule says, where IS my fan).

In the end, this seduction would seem a bit anticlimactic without the blantant, sudden and brazenness of the hands. If I were being seduced thus far I would expect some well executed force and sureness at that point. This is not to mention the amazing reference back to the wet clay by mentioning the hands that give me form. I do believe there are such things as long slow, soft seductions, but I think this one was set up nicely for some hands by the wet clay.

I say hand thingys rule! Well done.

A final note. If I would suggest anything, it would be to omit the elipses. They are not necessary, the line breaks do it for you.

One last comment. If I would suggest any change, it would be to omit the elipses. They are not necessary, your line breaks do that work for you. Maybe a comma after the next to the last line.

[Riesa]

"I'm stiff as an oak tree,
born with a straight bent of unyeilding bone (or maybe born of unyeilding bone)
my body bereft of grace,
and i was once told,long ago by my mother,
a puppet would dance better
But in your arms ..
I bend.....
Like a slender stalk of wildflower
I bend...........
Upwards,downwards,sideways,
Like a blueflowered creeper,like wet clay
I bend

A finger on the small of my back
I arch........
a kiss on my waist
I curve.....
your teeth on my shoulder
I wilt.....
your tongue on my thigh
I stretch......
Your blatant ,brazen hands.....
your hands give me form."



nice. the italicized words I feel aren't necessary, in fact reading this I skipped them (unintentionally) but when I re-read it I noticed I skipped. imho.

I'm with the critics who like the last two lines. I particularly like the last. :thumbs_up I agree with firefangled about getting rid of the ellipses, and if you could place a space between your words and commas that would only improve this lovely piece.

[stormy sky]

Thanks Riesa n Firefangled,
i'll keep the spacing and comma's in mind the next time i write,
by the way i'm glad the hand thingy works coz i rather like the last two lines myself;and i'll try and be more economical with my words ,the "like" before wet clay can be omitted,but the "unyeilding" i wouldn't as it reinstates the firmness of the bones.

[stormy sky]

by the way,if you happen to read "footprints" gimme your take on that one too.