The Final Tone

[HjusOticePlostE]

At the stroke of 12,
I can hear the bells.
Bellowing inside my head,
Only 10 more tones to go.

(9)
I feel the light on my face,
The ticking of the hands.
My hands caressing my cool face.
I breathe a deeper breath.

(8)
Only 7 more tones left to wait,
Can this night just be over with.
Is it coming because now I contemplate,
What to do for those last seven tones.

(7)
The luckiest number of them all,
Just six more left to go.
When the winter becomes one with the fall,
I begin to realize that time doesn't stop.

(6)
Is the first time,
I realized I could ride a bike.
I never felt so happy.
I wish I could feel that tonight.

(5)
The morning is getting closer,
The night is almost complete.
Now I wish that I could've known her,
Before I make ends meet.

(4)
Was how many years, I did love,
The one girl, that took my heart.
I thought I could go beyond and above,
Just to make her smile.

(3)
Was how many pieces they found,
Your body to unrecognizable.
They said that you were homeward bound,
But someone took that away from you.

(2)
They found you in the car,
Someone drunk took your life.
20 feet isn't that far,
Because that is how far you were from your home.

(1)
The last single tone,
Before a new day,
I wish this guilt,
Would all fade away.

But I remember that night,
It was quite clear,
I had to much to drink,
And I could not steer.

I didn't see the tree,
I didn't mean to turn,
But I couldn't help it,
My head was all a blur.

I don't remember much,
And it's to late now,
But I'm sorry is all I could think of,
And this gun shows you how,
I really mean it.

Goodnight to all,
Who could could not see,
The love that grew,
Between her and me.
I destroyed it now,
And I killed her too,


And now I hope,
The bullet goes through....

[HjusOticePlostE]

Hey tell me what you guys think about it?!?

[Koa]

I really like the idea, very original, but I find it's not 'dark' enough...maybe because of the rhymes, it gives too much of a rhythm that in my opinion doesn't fit with the disturbing side of it... It's like there's something not perfect in it... Also the 'plot' is not too clear to me but that's not a problem as many poems are quite 'confused' in that and that's the way they're meant to be (and also I'm quite thick in these things so don't mind me ;))
And sorry but I really don't like the line about riding a bike...

[Miranda]

Well I found it very disturbing. I don't see it as poem at all, despite the rhymes. Whether it's a fictional situation or a true one, it seems to me to like someone trying to come to terms with having done a dreadful thing in accidentally and untintentionally killing someone they had come to love. The guilt seems punishing enough..but obviously is not enough and the writer finds that only inflicting death on himself for having caused the death of this person, will be enough. I think it's a very dark piece of writing and that if it's a real story..the person needs to forgive himself and let some light shine in his life again. Everyone makes mistakes..some have more dire consequences than others, but everything can be forgiven. There are good things in the world. It is a sorrowful place, but there is still love in the world and forgiveness and reason for living. It's easy to see the darkness of the hour...and so concentrate on the darkness, that you miss the light and so become bitter.

[Miranda]

Your name is an anagram..Justice lost hope?

[emily655321]

I agree with Koa; great conceptualizing, but maybe some revision. The bike thing I don't get either. I liked that there wasn't a moral to it; you did a good job at presenting the emotions objectively, if that makes sense -- not devulging whether you think the suicide was justified or not.

[HjusOticePlostE]

My name is this....Hope Justice Lost

Hope is how the world survives, Justice is what we all expect to get, and Lost is what we would be without both of those...

[simon]

Insightful HJL, though I am of the mind that even with the gift of hope and the search for justice we are still lost.

[Koa]

Actually, hope is the most annoying of things.

[HjusOticePlostE]

Miranda, to tell you the truth it isn't a real story. I just had the inspiration. It just came to me. I am not basing it on anything, I was bored and it just started out like that. It was originally going to be a happy ending, but no I need it to be dark because midnight is the darkest hour. Why not have it end with something dark?

[Koa]

I think the idea is a good one (both the story and the tones thing), and a happy ending would have spoiled it a lot.

[amuse]

i like the intent...it does seem a little sophomoric (with rhymes i notice people often sacrifice meaning simply to create rhyme).

the pictures work well.

it seems narrative, almost. i get a very clear picture of what happened, the countdown to the fatality (that was nice - almost could hear a grandfather clock tolling the hours), the need to end [your] life to balance her death...the emotional story doesn't have enough punch for me, though.

thanks for sharing.