Gothic: Comment requested

[Pendragon]

GOTHIC

The Night descends like a living cloak.
I want to scream, but the words just choke
in my throat, no matter how hard I try.
My ears are filled with bloodcurdling cries
as Quasimodo dances to the ringing bells
amid the smoke and the sulfurous smell.
On the wall the thick, red blood drips down,
where the Roman Legions ran me to the ground.
A filed-toothed cannibal munches my brains
from my polished skull; all that remains
of the shattered form that I call “me”—
Then I jerk awake with a soundless scream.
It was all a dream, a trick of the Night!
And from my nightstand my polished skull says, “Right!”

Dale Harris, written under pseudonym of Jonathan Blade
© 11/29/96

[Uncle Lar]

Hello, Pendragon!
Your Gothic words convey the
Pain of a true Goth.

Cheers!

Sincerely,

Uncle Lar

[firefangled]

On the wall the thick, red blood drips down,




I like the entire poem, Pen, but this line is so cool the way it sounds. You can hear the blood dripping down in the stresses.

[Virgil]

Not bad Pen. I'm not sure it works as a sonnet. The rhyme seems to stilt the flow of the sentences, if that makes sense. It might read smoother if you avoided the rhyme and picked a different form. The imagery is quite good and fits the subjevt perfectly.

edit: You know it reads better on second reading. Perhaps just right as is.

[symphony]

Very nicely put. Esp. this:

all that remains
of the shattered form that I call “me”—

[TheFifthElement]

I love the opening line, and the way the poem twists and turns, much like a dream would do. It's painful to read, as it seems very personal somehow, but nicely done. I hadn't realised until Virgil mentioned it that this was a sonnet. It seems that you have mastered the form as it disappears in the words.

[ampoule]

A poem for the senses! Wonderful Pen. I was right there with you...well, you know. ;) Seriously, it is very good.

[Pendragon]

Not bad Pen. I'm not sure it works as a sonnet. The rhyme seems to stilt the flow of the sentences, if that makes sense. It might read smoother if you avoided the rhyme and picked a different form. The imagery is quite good and fits the subjevt perfectly.

edit: You know it reads better on second reading. Perhaps just right as is.
Um, actually I wasn't writing a sonnet, just a rhyming poem, the poem rhymes in couplets, but hanged if it isn't fourteen lines at that! I seem to fall into my favorite form without even knowing it myself!

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