Valedictory

[Sweets America]

When I reached our own private world,
I saw that you had left
The door ajar...

My ears could only perceive the echo of our ghostly words
As they whirled around, slowly
Silenced...silenced...silenced...
I walked past a stranger
Who confessed in a whisper
That my lover had left...

The words of my pain have been vaporized
When you pulled them out of my beating organ
And squeezed them in your fist
To throw them in the bin
Even before they could reach my throat.
You knew me so well...
You will never ―
know me again.

The words will rot around
Till I suffocate from their fetid smell
And fall on my knees
Letting the dust wrap my body
Into a befouled cover of souvenirs

Where?
Where is Us now?
What tongue am I going to speak?

Speechless and desensitized
With the last force of one fingertip
I trace in the dirt
The inarticulate expressions of my mutism ―

― Next to your footprints;

It will only be a matter of seconds
Till the wind blows it all
And leaves nothing
But a dark page.

[PrinceMyshkin]

How sad! How infinitely sad!
Some of the things I admire in it however are


I walked past a stranger
Who confessed in a whisper
That my lover had left...

there is something so fitting and of course so additionally sad that it would be a stranger who would convey this to you!


You know me so well...


would work better I think if it read "You knew me so well..." to contrast with "you will never / know"


With the last force of one fingertip
I trace in the dirt
The inarticulate expressions of my mutism ―

wonderful!


And lives nothing


Should be "and leaves nothing"?

[Sweets America]

Thanks, lover!
Yes, I included the stranger because it conveyed the idea of coldness, of having a stranger in what was before 'a private world' between the two persons.
I think you're right about 'you knew me so well'. I corrected it. However, in a way, my present tense conveyed the idea that the person could not accept that it was the past now. But since she says 'you will never know me again', I guess she still accepts the idea of the separation.
OH MY GOD! About the 'lives', what a stupid mistake! I'm glad you noticed it!

[Pendragon]

Oh, so my dear Princess Sweets, has this "stranger" worn his welcome thin in his advice and support, and caused a chill in your private world? I deeply beg your forgiveness. Two is indeed, a couple, and the third makes a crowd, but I had no wish to invade your privacy. Jerry is a dear friend to whom I wish only the best, and I trust you will always think of me the same. Perhaps it is time that the stranger backed off and left the two of you to yourselves. When the day arrives that the two of you stand together and have that first picture taken, PM me a copy. I also know a lot about rivers...

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/BlowaKiss.gif

[Sweets America]

Oh, so my dear Princess Sweets, has this "stranger" worn his welcome thin in his advice and support, and caused a chill in your private world? I deeply beg your forgiveness. Two is indeed, a couple, and the third makes a crowd, but I had no wish to invade your privacy. Jerry is a dear friend to whom I wish only the best, and I trust you will always think of me the same. Perhaps it is time that the stranger backed off and left the two of you to yourselves. When the day arrives that the two of you stand together and have that first picture taken, PM me a copy. I also know a lot about rivers...

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/BlowaKiss.gif


Pen? What is wrong? From your post, it seems that you have been offended by the content of my poem? If it is so, I am sorry, and let me reassure you: the stranger in the poem is NOT you at all.

Let me explain: the poem is not even about Jerry and me. It is a poem that I first started to write when I was with my previous boyfriend, and it deals with relationships that end and the fact that through my love for an American man, I loved the English language too, and by breaking up with the man in question, it felt like a part of me had broken up with the English language. This is why the poem deals a lot with the inability to communicate, or with words that have been thrown to the bin, with mutism and with a dark page. I have the habit to say that I am in love with then English language, see?
So the poem deals with the loss of a lover, and with finding only a stranger in the world which previously was the private world of the two lovers.
Since this poem is about a relationship which ends and about the desperation and inner death that goes with it, it cannot be about my relationship with Jer.

I have never felt that you invaded our privacy, Pen, really. You are welcome and your comments are welcome too. So, we are not asking you to back off in any way. This poem dealt with an entirely different story and subject.
Pen? Please do not feel rejected and let me give you a kiss on the cheek. Please tell me you are not feeling hurt anymore.

[Pendragon]

Pen? What is wrong? From your post, it seems that you have been offended by the content of my poem? If it is so, I am sorry, and let me reassure you: the stranger in the poem is NOT you at all.

Let me explain: the poem is not even about Jerry and me. It is a poem that I first started to write when I was with my previous boyfriend, and it deals with relationships that end and the fact that through my love for an American man, I loved the English language too, and by breaking up with the man in question, it felt like a part of me had broken up with the English language. This is why the poem deals a lot with the inability to communicate, or with words that have been thrown to the bin, with mutism and with a dark page. I have the habit to say that I am in love with then English language, see?
So the poem deals with the loss of a lover, and with finding only a stranger in the world which previously was the private world of the two lovers.
Since this poem is about a relationship which ends and about the desperation and inner death that goes with it, it cannot be about my relationship with Jer.

I have never felt that you invaded our privacy, Pen, really. You are welcome and your comments are welcome too. So, we are not asking you to back off in any way. This poem dealt with an entirely different story and subject.
Pen? Please do not feel rejected and let me give you a kiss on the cheek. Please tell me you are not feeling hurt anymore.I was never hurt, Sweets, my dear, I assure you. I did not mean to even leave that impression. Jerry could tell you I am not that easily offended, and i do nothing without reason. A couple does need their privacy, however, and that I am more than happy to step back and give. I would see others happy in love as I am and have been.

I married my best friend in high school, having loved her at first sight in the 9th grade. I had no idea she felt likewise. We dated other people, came from different backgrounds (we were both poor, but she was a country girl and I lived in town). It took me until our Senior year to ask, but she was quick to accept. That was Dec 1978. We graduated in June 1979. We married on December 21, 1979. I was only 19 and she but 18 and we started with almost nothing. Now, coming up on 28 years together, we have two children in collage, and one still in high school. The Pendragon clan is in the photoalbum. I got your back, my dear, but I shall not be invasive. Thanks for the kiss. Here's a hug from one you may consider an uncle (((hug)))

Pen

[Granny5]

Sweets. it is a lovely poem. I'm so glad you explained that it wasn't about you and Jerry! It had me worried. It is really very beautiful and very emotional.
Thank you for sharing it with us.

[Sweets America]

Thanks Pen, I really wondered if you could be hurt, but I see we are ok.:)
Thanks for the hug, and for the lovely account of your own love story.

[Sweets America]

Sweets. it is a lovely poem. I'm so glad you explained that it wasn't about you and Jerry! It had me worried. It is really very beautiful and very emotional.
Thank you for sharing it with us.

Oh thanks a lot, Granny!!
That is so cute that you worried, but be reassured, Jer and I are doing great.
Thank you so much for what you said about the poem. :banana:

[motherhubbard]

what a powerful sadness Sweets. You had me worried, too. I have to agree with Jerry about the knew instead of know. you really pulled me in to that lost and empty feeling.

[Sweets America]

what a powerful sadness Sweets. You had me worried, too. I have to agree with Jerry about the knew instead of know. you really pulled me in to that lost and empty feeling.

Thanks, Tonya! I'm glad you liked it!
Well, about the know/knew, I think the 'knew' goes better with the poem in itself, yes, it's just that the 'know' goes better with the story that inspired the poem. Because even when you're not in a love relationship with the person anymore, you can still remain friends and the person still knows you in this way.
Though, that is true that the 'know' doesn't go with the dramatic direction I chose to follow for this poem, a direction where the former lover has definitely disappeared, and nothing remains from him, not even friendship.

[symphony]

I loved the whole poem except that the "That my lover had left..."-bit didnt sound too well too me. But anyway, opinions vary just as people do, so dont take my word for it. And I dont want to leave the impression that i didnt like the poem, I loved it, indeed. :)

[CdnReader]

Oh, Sweets..... I know exactly how this feels. I identify very strongly with what you've written here..... I especially love this gripping beginning....


When I reached our own private world,
I saw that you had left
The door ajar...

and this truthful and accepting end....


It will only be a matter of seconds
Till the wind blows it all
And leaves nothing
But a dark page.

[ampoule]

I loved this part...

I walked past a stranger
Who confessed in a whisper
That my lover had left...

It gave me the chills. I've walked past many a warning. ;)

[Sweets America]

Symphony, that is perfectly ok that you don't particularly like a line of this poem, and I am glad that you tell me. :) I am always glad to welcome any kinds of comments. Do you have an idea of what kind of line you would have replaced 'that my lover had left' with? I think I repeated the line to make it close to 'that you had left' in the first stanza. I am happy that you like the rest of the poem. Thanks for the comment. :)

Cdn, thank you very much, I am happy that the poem resonated within you. I felt this way when my previous boyfriend first broke up with me. But, today we have a great friendship, so that is ok.
This is true that I put the whole of myself in love relationships, with the risk of experiencing an inner death when I am abandoned. But I am trying to re equilibrate things. ;)

Ampoule, thanks for your sweet little comment. I see you love the part that didn't appeal that much to Symphony. It is interesting to see how each reader perceives different things.

[symphony]

Do you have an idea of what kind of line you would have replaced 'that my lover had left' with?
May be
"My ears could only perceive the echo of our ghostly words
As they whirled around, slowly
Silenced...silenced...silenced...
I walked past a stranger
Who confessed in a whisper--
That my love is gone
With the silent ghosts of words..." ?
But that'd change your essence of the poem may be, which has never been my intention. A poem must be what you've meant for it to be. I shouldnt meddle with it. :)

[Sweets America]

May be
"My ears could only perceive the echo of our ghostly words
As they whirled around, slowly
Silenced...silenced...silenced...
I walked past a stranger
Who confessed in a whisper--
That my love is gone
With the silent ghosts of words..." ?
But that'd change your essence of the poem may be, which has never been my intention. A poem must be what you've meant for it to be. I shouldnt meddle with it. :)

Thanks for the suggestion! I think it sounds good! But I would have said 'that my lover had gone'? instead of 'is gone'?
I wonder if I want to replace my line by yours... it's a dilemna! I think your lines sound good. I think it says what I wanted to say, but maybe in a better way. But in the meantime, maybe the repetition of 'ghosts of words' and 'ghostly words' is too strong. I don't know. I still like the idea of the 'ghosts of words'. Ah!