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Helen Clancy
08-31-2007, 01:48 PM
Hello everyone,
Here is a poem I am currently working on, any comments would be appreciated.
Helen.


First Love

First love: rocked by powerful emotions
I walk along the pebble beach,
stand with my feet
soaked by cool water:
all other voices drowned by the ocean’s roar.

Sometimes waves come tripping
over each other, tumbling
onto uneven stones, flinging
spray thirty feet high.
I dodge waves along the promenade.

Sometimes the sea is dreamy,
reflected in mellow sky where gulls float lazily.
Specks of dancing silver
glisten in pale blue water,
My soul warmed by hazy sunlight.

I return when the sea has fallen
into a deep groaning void, broken only
by flashes of white from the crests
of waves approaching the shore,
the heavy black sky speckled with gleaming lights.

The lights across the bay send colourful rays
over the water, as the town slumbers.
I am content and at peace.
You fill my thoughts
As I turn and return home.

Nightshade
08-31-2007, 05:07 PM
I like it just one thing youve clearly identified the first emotion but youve left the others why?
:D

Helen Clancy
08-31-2007, 05:13 PM
Your right - it is not clear -what it is supposed to convey is someone who is deeply, madly in love for the first time. The object of her love is not with her - away somewhere - but he is all she can think about all day long. Those thoughts fill her with joy etc etc..
Any ideas how I can make that clearer - the poem has evolved from another one, perhaps the title is wrong?
Helen

Granny5
08-31-2007, 05:15 PM
why not title it First Love?

Nightshade
08-31-2007, 05:17 PM
Oh wait the whole thing is about first love....umm then maybe yes
or cutr off the first love and add a verse ( stanza I can never rember which it is 5 lines ) before introducing it.
Or maybe just a couple ...to differinciate it from the the Ocean's emotions

Helen Clancy
08-31-2007, 05:37 PM
why not title it First Love?

What a sensible idea - why didn't I think of that!!!
I have changed it!
Helen:;)