Your Love

[TheFifthElement]

This was going to be a love poem, but it turned into something else as my poems often do. Now it's more of a 'you never know what you've got 'til it's gone' kind of poem. I'm not happy with it, but I won't say why. Any suggestions would be gratefully received.


Your Love

Your love was a needy child
that cried in my absence;
that waited by the door for
my return, grabbed me by
the leg and didn’t let go.
I wasn’t ready to be a parent,
to wipe away your blood
and tears, suckle you
greedily against my breast
and feel replete. I grew tired of
the endless games, the
repetition of nonsense words,
“I love you”, “I love you too” –
“I love you”, “I love you too”.
I sent you away to school.
Now my love cries in
the silence of the night, and
the darkness of the tomb.

[Lote-Tree]

I liked it.



Your love was a needy child
that cried in my absence;
that waited by the door for
my return, grabbed me by
the leg and didn’t let go.


didn't or wouldn't....



Now my love cries in
the silence of the night, and
the darkness of the tomb.[/CENTER]

I like this very much...should that be "and in the darkness of the tomb..."?

[PrinceMyshkin]

This was going to be a love poem, but it turned into something else as my poems often do. Now it's more of a 'you never know what you've got 'til it's gone' kind of poem. I'm not happy with it, but I won't say why. Any suggestions would be gratefully received.


Your Love

Your love was a needy child
that cried in my absence;
that waited by the door for
my return, grabbed me by
the leg and didn’t let go.
I wasn’t ready to be a parent,
to wipe away your blood
and tears, suckle you
greedily against my breast
and feel replete. I grew tired of
the endless games, the
repetition of nonsense words,
“I love you”, “I love you too” –
“I love you”, “I love you too”.
I sent you away to school.
Now my love cries in
the silence of the night, and
the darkness of the tomb.

I can't imagine what you're dissatisfied with in this fine, strong poem, other perhaps than Graham Gereene's definition of a writer as "a man who always fails..."

I do have a problem with "greedily" since that would seem to appy more appropriately to the needy child rather than to the parent, but maybe that's because the syntax at that point is unclear.

[Sweets America]

Wow, this poem speaks very much to me!
I recognize myself in the needy child! So true!
That moved me. I have nothing to say about improving it.

[TheFifthElement]

I liked it.

didn't or wouldn't....

I like this very much...should that be "and in the darkness of the tomb..."?

Thank you Lote - all good suggestions. It is now 'wouldn't', and 'in the darkness of the tomb'.


I can't imagine what you're dissatisfied with in this fine, strong poem, other perhaps than Graham Gereene's definition of a writer as "a man who always fails..."

I do have a problem with "greedily" since that would seem to appy more appropriately to the needy child rather than to the parent, but maybe that's because the syntax at that point is unclear.

Thank you PrinceMyshkin - I agree with your views on 'greedily' which I have now removed. It was both confusing and unnecessary. I still feel a little angst with this poem, though perhaps unnecessarily so. Sometimes they feel right, and sometimes they feel wrong, and this one felt a little wrong.

Thank you SweetsAmerica for your kind remarks. I think we are all that needy child sometimes.

[firefangled]

This was going to be a love poem, but it turned into something else as my poems often do. Now it's more of a 'you never know what you've got 'til it's gone' kind of poem. I'm not happy with it, but I won't say why. Any suggestions would be gratefully received.


Your Love

Your love was a needy child
that cried in my absence;
that waited by the door for
my return, grabbed me by
the leg and didn’t let go.
I wasn’t ready to be a parent,
to wipe away your blood
and tears, suckle you
greedily against my breast
and feel replete. I grew tired of
the endless games, the
repetition of nonsense words,
“I love you”, “I love you too” –
“I love you”, “I love you too”.
I sent you away to school.
Now my love cries in
the silence of the night, and
the darkness of the tomb.


This is a strong poem and very personal it seems. I think I sense where your angst may be. I would drop the thats, change the tenses of cried and waited to crying and waiting. I would lose by the door (waiting is all that is important in your phrase). Replace grabbed me by the leg and didn't let go to clinging to me. I almost always drop articles and prepositions to the line they serve. Change the repetition of nonsense words to the nonsense of repeated words (which is actually what you are saying with what follows). Change my love cries to it is I who waits and cries this ties the end to the beginning, end the line there and drop in to the next line. Drop and completely. This includes the previous suggestions as well.

It sounds like a lot but it really is what you were saying all along.



Your love was a needy child
crying in my absence;
waiting for my return,
clinging to me.
I wasn’t ready to be a parent,
to wipe away your blood
and tears, suckle you
against my breast
and feel replete. I grew tired
of the endless games,
the nonsense of repeated words,
“I love you”, “I love you too” –
“I love you”, “I love you too”.
I sent you away to school.
Now it is I who waits and cries,
in the silence of the night,
in the darkness of the tomb.


I hardly ever write a poem that I don't do this same process of tense changing, substitution, word reversal, preposition/article checking and word illimination. I try not to anthropomorphize nouns (like love). It can be done, but not often successfully.

You said you did not mind, and I will not make a habit of this, but this is an excellent poem, FE, and a good example prompted by you of how a few changes can help relieve the angst as you put it, the feeling that it needs something. It's like tasting food as you cook it.

Very humbly yours,
fire

[PrinceMyshkin]

You said you did not mind, and I will not make a habit of this, but this is an excellent poem, FE, and a good example prompted by you of how a few changes can help relieve the angst as you put it, the feeling that it needs something. It's like tasting food as you cook it.

Very humbly yours,
fire

As painstaking, sensitive and thorough as your suggestions are I couldn't help noticing that you said nothing of his use of "the".

[Pendragon]

IMO, Fifth, your poem is strong, and says what you wish to espress quite clearly. Fire makes a couple of excellent points, but the only line I would truly change, per Fire's suggestion is "repetition of nonsense words" to "the nonsense of repeated words." The rest I would leave as is. Somehow, I think you do not write without reason, or without thinking it through, and your choice of words usually has meaning you wish to convey, Too much change, and we loose the language that makes you the poet that you are.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[firefangled]

As painstaking, sensitive and thorough as your suggestions are I couldn't help noticing that you said nothing of his use of "the".


IMO, Fifth, your poem is strong, and says what you wish to espress quite clearly. Fire makes a couple of excellent points, but the only line I would truly change, per Fire's suggestion is "repetition of nonsense words" to "the nonsense of repeated words." The rest I would leave as is. Somehow, I think you do not write without reason, or without thinking it through, and your choice of words usually has meaning you wish to convey, Too much change, and we loose the language that makes you the poet that you are.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif


This is precisely why I usually don't like to get into too much constructive criticism. And usually I would not be so "picky", but this was an excellent poem by an excellent writer who asked for details.

The point in the changes was not to reduce the poem in the end to something it was not, but to show that the abiding "angst" that Fifth was feeling, even after the first edits, can hide in small almost insignificant things. It may be what I would do is not right for what was intended.

I shall, therefore, stay with my original predilection and limit myself to overall opinions. Because I do this day in and day out for a living, with other types of writing, I knew I may have a tendency to get out of hand, which was the reason for my original reticence.

Fifth, if I offended you, or seemed to harsh, I apologize.

You have written an excellent poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is precisely why I usually don't like to get into too much constructive criticism. And usually I would not be so "picky", but this was an excellent poem by an excellent writer who asked for details.

The point in the changes was not to reduce the poem in the end to something it was not, but to show that the abiding "angst" that Fifth was feeling, even after the first edits, can hide in small almost insignificant things. It may be what I would do is not right for what was intended.

I shall, therefore, stay with my original predilection and limit myself to overall opinions. Because I do this day in and day out for a living, with other types of writing, I knew I may have a tendency to get out of hand, which was the reason for my original reticence.

Fifth, if I offended you, or seemed to harsh, I apologize.

You have written an excellent poem.

I will be interested to hear whether Fifth feels offended or not. I would hope he would recognize the infinite respect and careful reading you gave his poem, which obviously you would not do if you didn't appreciate the essence of it.

But having taught Creative Writing myself and having received criticism of my own poems and ficton,I do understand what a tricky business that is. I am not proud of this, that my vanity would almost always rebel at accepting even the most excellent suggestion for revision (perhaps ESPECIALLY the most excellet suggestion) of something I'd written. I'm reminded of the supreme arrogance of a 19th or 20th c. French poet who said: "I would rather write a 2nd-rate work in full possession of my senses than a masterpiece in a trance." Though this is somewhat off the subject, my feeling is that we ALWAYS write at least partially in a trance, co-authoring our poems with our subconscious.

[TheFifthElement]

This is precisely why I usually don't like to get into too much constructive criticism. And usually I would not be so "picky", but this was an excellent poem by an excellent writer who asked for details.

The point in the changes was not to reduce the poem in the end to something it was not, but to show that the abiding "angst" that Fifth was feeling, even after the first edits, can hide in small almost insignificant things. It may be what I would do is not right for what was intended.

I shall, therefore, stay with my original predilection and limit myself to overall opinions. Because I do this day in and day out for a living, with other types of writing, I knew I may have a tendency to get out of hand, which was the reason for my original reticence.

Fifth, if I offended you, or seemed to harsh, I apologize.

You have written an excellent poem.


Don't worry firefangled, I'm not at all offended - I wouldn't have invited comments if I wasn't prepared to accept any feedback given in good faith, and in the helpful and good natured spirit in which it was intended. In fact your comments and suggestions are extremely helpful, they've given me a lot to think about, so thank you. :)

I know you've expressed reluctance elsewhere to provide detailed critiques, because of the concern that the person may be offended. I hope you won't ever feel that you can't express your honest opinion, or feel that you can't make suggestions on the poems I post, unless you said it was complete cr*p I'd be unlikely to be offended, and if I disagreed with your opinion at worst I would just ignore the comments made ;).