Adapt

[dibyendra]

You're not happy with life that you're living
You have family and friends, still solitary life you're leading
You're always wondering “Where could I probably fit in?”
Your silence speaks “Nobody understand my feelings!”
You're tired of arguing on every damn little thing they have triggered
collision of interests and opinions alienated you from the band
and you are ill-tempered
Now, you're running away from every face that you meet
and your paranoia made you irritated and sick
Still you're not willing to get pain off your chest even with your closed ones
You rather love to lock yourself in your lonely chamber
and like to talk with your own reflection
Does that lead you toward the solution?
No, but your seclusion made yourself afraid of your own shadow
and your head is whirling

Now, you're not ready to let this problem grow anymore...
But don't be petrified and don't feel too much!
Escaping is not the solution...
Face the problem!
Realise that there are no alternatives...

Heal those estrangements
Forgiveness can be the healer and don't be egocentric
You do care about them....don't you ?

There are many facets of life, and so the psyche of the people
Learn to co-exist with the people just like we exist with changing seasons
Oh come on now, come out of the darkness!
Otherwise you'll make yourself a worst enemy !

[dibyendra]

Please post your comments after reading this poem. Your comments will help me to improve and write much better poems.

Thank you !

Dibyendra

[CdnReader]

Poetry is a great way of working through feelings, and saying things to others around us that might be difficult to verbalize otherwise. This is probably THE main reason that I write. Keep writing, dibyendra. I think this could benefit from tightening up your lines, eliminating anything that's unnecessary to getting the message across. I really like the last stanza...



There are many facets of life, and so the psyche of the people
Learn to co-exist with the people just like we exist with changing seasons
Oh come on now, come out of the darkness!
Otherwise you'll make yourself a worst enemy !

Would you consider dropping the last line? It might make for a more powerful ending.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes, it could do with being tightened up somewhat and I agree with Cdn about the last line but on the whole, way to go! I'm reminded of the statement by WB Yeats: "Out of our quarrels with others, we make rhetoric. Out of our quarrels with ourselves, we make poetry."

[dibyendra]

Thank you very much cdn and prince for your valuable comments and suggestions. Yes, dropping last line made the ending powerful ! I've worked on it and tried to come up with a new version.

Adapt

You're not happy with life that you're living
You have family and friends, still solitary life you're leading
You're always wondering “Where could I probably fit in?”
Your silence speaks “Nobody understand my feelings!”
You're tired of arguing on every damn little thing...
every damn little thing they have triggered
collision of interests and opinions alienated you...
alienated from the band, and made you an ill-tempered
Now, you're running away from every face that you meet
and your paranoia made you irritated and sick
Still you're not willing to get pain off your chest...
not even with your nearest and dearest?
You rather love to lock yourself in your lonely chamber
and like to talk with your own reflection
Does that lead you toward the solution?
No, but your seclusion made yourself afraid...
afraid of your own shadow

Now, you're not ready to let this problem grow anymore
Don't be petrified and don't feel too much!
Escaping is not the solution
Face the problem!
Realise that there are no alternatives

Try to heal those estrangements
Forgiveness can be the healer
You do care about them....don't you?

There are many facets of life, and so the psyche of the people
Learn to co-exist with the people just like we exist with the changing seasons
Oh come on now, come out of the darkness!

[Pendragon]

Thank you very much cdn and prince for your valuable comments and suggestions. Yes, dropping last line made the ending powerful ! I've worked on it and tried to come up with a new version.

Adapt

You're not happy with life that you're living
You have family and friends, still solitary life you're leading
You're always wondering “Where could I probably fit in?”
Your silence speaks “Nobody understand my feelings!”
You're tired of arguing on every damn little thing...
every damn little thing they have triggered
collision of interests and opinions alienated you...
alienated from the band, and made you an ill-tempered
Now, you're running away from every face that you meet
and your paranoia made you irritated and sick
Still you're not willing to get pain off your chest...
not even with your nearest and dearest?
You rather love to lock yourself in your lonely chamber
and like to talk with your own reflection
Does that lead you toward the solution?
No, but your seclusion made yourself afraid...
afraid of your own shadow

Now, you're not ready to let this problem grow anymore
Don't be petrified and don't feel too much!
Escaping is not the solution
Face the problem!
Realise that there are no alternatives

Try to heal those estrangements
Forgiveness can be the healer
You do care about them....don't you?

There are many facets of life, and so the psyche of the people
Learn to co-exist with the people just like we exist with the changing seasons
Oh come on now, come out of the darkness!Let's see here, Dib, if you don't mind me calling you that. You have tightend up, but there are still places loose. This is only a suggestion, so if you do not like it, dismiss it. The poem is yours, not mine. I've tried to keep as much of the original as possible.


Adapt

You're not happy with life that you're living,
You have family and friends, still solitary leading--
Always wondering “Where could I probably fit in?”
Silence shouts: “Nobody understands my feelings!”
You're tired of arguing every damn little thing they have triggered!
Collision of interests and opinions alienated you--
Made you ill-tempered;
Now, you're running away from every face you meet.
Your paranoia made you irritated and sick,
Still you're not willing to get pain off your chest
Not even with your nearest and dearest?
Rather lock yourself in your lonely chamber
Talk with your own reflection.
Does that lead you toward the solution?
No, but your seclusion made yourself afraid
Of your own shadow...

Now, you're not ready to let this problem grow anymore--
Don't be petrified and don't feel too much!
Escaping is not the solution,
Without facing the problem,
There are no alternatives...

Try to heal those estrangements,
Forgiveness can be the healer--
You do care about them....
Don't you?

Within psyche of the people
There are many facets of life,
Learn to co-exist just like the changing seasons
Oh come on now, come out of the darkness!


Freely use all or parts of the changes. I would say parts. You are a poet. You will see the path as I told another poet from Nepal as your people know when it is time to harvest the honey from The Little People. A day or two too early and you miss out on a full honey comb, too late and the overloaded hive may fall on its own and go to waste. Poetry is like that. Take what you need from suggestion, too much and it's not your poem anymore, too little and you miss something that makes your poem a masterpiece. God luck!

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[dibyendra]

Thank you so much Pen for your time, kind support and suggestions. I must admit now that I'm not that good in English grammar but surely I'll improve gradually. Support from you all will surely help me improve in my writing skill.

I have noticed a contrast in this poem now after you made changes in this poem. I have also learned a new way to express while writing a poem. Thank you again Pen for your kind support ! The only two lines that I found which I guess need to be changed are



Rather lock yourself in your lonely chamber
Talk with your own reflection.


I think they made different sense from the line "You rather love to lock yourself in your lonely chamber and like to talk with your own reflection". What do you think Pen?
Thank you Pen!

With best regards,
Dibyendra

[Pendragon]

Thank you so much Pen for your time, kind support and suggestions. I must admit now that I'm not that good in English grammar but surely I'll improve gradually. Support from you all will surely help me improve in my writing skill.

I have noticed a contrast in this poem now after you made changes in this poem. I have also learned a new way to express while writing a poem. Thank you again Pen for your kind support ! The only two lines that I found which I guess need to be changed are



Rather lock yourself in your lonely chamber
Talk with your own reflection.


I think they made different sense from the line "You rather love to lock yourself in your lonely chamber and like to talk with your own reflection". What do you think Pen?
Thank you Pen!

With best regards,
DibyendraIf that is what you feel, Diby, that is what you should go with. The poet must control their own poem. I have glad to have helped, for that is what this forum is about: poets helping poets, no one master teaching students, all students learning from each other. Go with your heart, that is the poet's guide.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[dibyendra]

Thank you Pen for your kind support. I'm feeling proud to be a part of this literature network. I'm learning here new things everyday. It's so good to hear words of wisdom from you Pen. Thank you so much. I'll try to work on this with the guidelines provided by you and come up with the new one.

Thank you and regards,
Dibyendra

[dibyendra]

I've tried my best to come up with new version with the guidelines provided by you all. Hoping to get more feedbacks for this new effort.

Adapt

You're not happy with life that you're living,
You have family and friends, still solitary leading--
Always wondering “Where could I probably fit in?”
Silence shouts “Nobody understands my feelings!”
You're tired of arguing everyday on questions they have triggered...
Collision of interests and opinions alienated you--
Made you ill-tempered;
Now, you're running away from every face you meet.
Your paranoia made you irritated and sick,
Still, you're not willing to get pain off your chest.
Not even with your nearest and dearest?
You rather love to lock yourself in your lonely chamber
and love to talk with your own reflection.
Does that lead you toward the solution?
No, it's just driving you to distraction!
Your seclusion made yourself afraid
Of your own shadow...
You're not ready to live like this any more.

Oh Please,
Don't let this problem intensify any more
Throw down your anger!
Don't let anger mislead you.
Break down the wall of suspicion,
Escaping is not the solution.
There are no alternatives
without facing the problem.

Oh come on now,
Heal those estrangements.
Forgiveness can be the healer.
Let relation come alive again.
Confess if you're wrong.
That won't let you down either.
You do care about them...Don't you?
just like they're worried for you.

Within psyche of the people
There are many facets of life,
Learn to co-exist with them
just like we live with changing seasons
Oh come on now, come out of the darkness!

-
Dibyendra