Three of my Poems

[Sparkled_you]

Hi, if anyone would like to read these and tell me if I need to give up right now please do! When you create something of your own, you sometimes can't see if it's really actually rubbish or good.


Sparkles A La Mode


I’m a dirty little camouflaged girl,
With my baby blue eyes and my kinky little kiss curl,
Hidden away from all those you know,
A right regular Jon Doe.

I’m the woman you phone,
The common species definitely home grown,
When your bloods boiling and your minds dark,
I’ll be your personal amusement park.

I’m not like the women you normally date,
I’m certainly not a soul mate,
No perfumed high heeled jezebel,
I’m no hard sell.

But I’m here when you need me,
I’m not volatile like TNT.
I’ll absorb not explode,
In Sparkles A la Mode.

-----------------------------------

The Masqurade Dance

He asked her to dance,
In this game of chance,
Chess pieces on the dance floor,
Advancing in the love and hate war.

This dance, this masquerade,
The love war slave trade,
Where she knew she’d lose,
She had no choice, she couldn’t choose.

His dancing out witted her,
His moves like chocolate liqueur,
Swift and deft,
She crept out stage left.

Lonesome once more,
No more dances, she swore,
But as she walked away,
Her hips began to sway.


-------------------------------


The New Pandora’s Box

I’m a midnight cowboy,
The real McCoy.
I walk the darkened streets,
Just don’t ask me for receipts.

I’m here for your pleasure,
For thirty minutes I’m your treasure.
I can take you to satisfaction,
I’m easy with direct action.

You’ll walk away and smile,
And be happy, but after a while,
You’ll wonder where is she?
Her, as mysterious as the Black Sea.

Your **** will twitch,
Wanting the one with the ignition switch,
She who turned you on,
Was now gone, gone, gone.

Last anyone heard,
Was that something strange occurred.
Stopped her plying her trade,
The farcical serenade.

So out with the blonde,
With whom now do we correspond?
Why the silver haired fox,
She’s the new Pandora’s Box.

[TheFifthElement]

Hello Sparkled you, and welcome to Litnet.

I'm not a massive fan of rhyming poems, but these flow well, and the themes are certainly interesting and thought provoking. I enjoyed the Masquerade Dance in particular, I love the image of 'the love war slave trade'. There's a kind of rap-like quality to your work, which makes it interesting to read, it's got a beat, just add some music and you've got some songs there.

I also loved the line 'a right regular Jon Doe', which bristles with Northern England! Lovely to see the accent creeping through, even if you didn't mean it to.

Definitely don't give up, and let's see some more of your poetry. :)

[Pendragon]

Hi, Sparky. I end up shortening everyone's name's so please don't take offence. I agree with Fifth that Masquerade Dance is the best one of the three. None of them are bad, the first comes in a srong second to Masquerade Dance. The last flows a little more roughly. What you want to do with rhyme poetry is never force the rhyme if it breaks the flow.



The New Pandora’s Box

I’m a midnight cowboy,
The real McCoy.
I walk the darkened streets,
Just don’t ask me for receipts.

I’m here for your pleasure,
For thirty minutes I’m your treasure.
I can take you to satisfaction,
I’m easy with direct action.

You’ll walk away and smile,
And be happy, but after a while,
You’ll wonder where is she?
Her, as mysterious as the Black Sea.

Your **** will twitch,
Wanting the one with the ignition switch,
She who turned you on,
Was now gone, gone, gone.

Last anyone heard,
Was that something strange occurred.
Stopped her plying her trade,
The farcical serenade.

So out with the blonde,
With whom now do we correspond?
Why the silver haired fox,
She’s the new Pandora’s Box.



Those first two lines miss the flow that the rest of the poem has. You needed a word to rhyme with "Midnight Cowboy" and went with "Real McCoy" which is awkward and also a cliché. A suggestion could be "the night is the only time I enjoy" Might help the flow better. Your poems, your choice. Just advice. Never give up on anything you write.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[ampoule]

I LOVE that personal amusement park line! ;) May I borrow that for my internet dating profile? :D
I like the title 'Sparkles A La Mode'.

Is it possible that The New Pandora's Box is written as punishment? ;)

[AuntShecky]

The first of the trio was the best and the most original.
Hope we see more.
Auntie