Without Eyes please comment

[Pendragon]

Without Eyes

Going down a path that isn’t clear,
Over mountain passes, through the rising fog.
Others may have gone this way before, I cannot tell,
Ducking branches that appear out of the mist like arms.
Barely missed walking off a ledge but my sixth sense kicked in just in time,
"You really need to be more careful, boy, you shame your ancestors!
Even in this kind of weather your totem animal would find its way—
Maybe you should learn to listen more, and be less quick to speak.
You have learned to walk this path you walk, but don’t let it make you blind—
Focus on your way ahead, attune your other senses to your way.
Reach out and touch with your hearing, see through your sense of smell,
In the fog are many flavors of the things that it enfolds so taste them all.
Even through your hiking boots you should feel the surface of the earth,
Now are you on the path or on the rocks, your feet know if you do not.
Dare to let everything go and simply trust the things you already have:
Seek out the path—even if you cannot see it with your eyes…"

Pendragon
8/24/07

[TheFifthElement]

This reads like someone who is talking to himself as he walks down a path he cannot see, it is honest and earthy. It is a little wordy for me, or perhaps I should say that if it were my poem I would cut down the word count. Then on reflection perhaps wordy is right in this case - we're all a little wordy in our own heads. As always, entirely up to you.

I loved these lines in particular:


Reach out and touch with your hearing, see through your sense of smell,
In the fog are many flavors of the things that it enfolds so taste them all.
Even through your hiking boots you should feel the surface of the earth,

which make me want to go out and touch with my hearing. This line:


Seek out the path—even if you cannot see it with your eyes…

is one profound piece of advice, the kind of advice that leaves you feeling enlightened afterwards. Thank you for this.

[Pendragon]

This reads like someone who is talking to himself as he walks down a path he cannot see, it is honest and earthy. It is a little wordy for me, or perhaps I should say that if it were my poem I would cut down the word count. Then on reflection perhaps wordy is right in this case - we're all a little wordy in our own heads. As always, entirely up to you.

I loved these lines in particular:



which make me want to go out and touch with my hearing. This line:



is one profound piece of advice, the kind of advice that leaves you feeling enlightened afterwards. Thank you for this.
Thanks, Fifth. Put the words down to my Native American heritage, (Cherokee, from my great-grandfather, a full-blood on dad's side, and mom's people have Cheokee blood as well.) which is the inspiration for the poem. The Cougar is my Totem, and it would be me speaking to it, telling me if one sense fails, others become more sensitve, so there is no excuse for missing the path.

[littlewing53]

pen...i like the way the words unfolded with each step, taking little twists and turns, reaching a destination of sorts...

[CdnReader]

I've been thinking about this one since you posted it, Pen. It's a wonderful piece of work.... I agree with Fifth, I think it could use a bit of editing to give it more punch....



Going down a path that isn’t clear,
Over mountain passes, through the rising fog.
Others may have gone this way before, I cannot tell,
Ducking braches that seem like arms appearing out of the mist.
Barely missed walking off a ledge but my sixth sense kicked in just in time,

Could you delete the words "that seem" from the second last line above? How about "Ducking branches that appear out of the mist like arms" (Oh, and the word "branches" needs an "n".... :p)



You really need to be more careful, boy, you shame your ancestors!
Even in this kind of weather your totem animal would find its way—
Maybe you should learn to listen more, and be less quick to speak.
You have learned to walk this path you walk, but don’t let it make you blind—
Focus on your way ahead, attune your other senses to your way.
Reach out and touch with your hearing, see through your sense of smell,
In the fog are many flavors of the things that it enfolds so taste them all.
Even through your hiking boots you should feel the surface of the earth,
Now are you on the path or on the rocks, your feet know if you do not.
Dare to let everything go and simply trust the things you already have:
Seek out the path—even if you cannot see it with your eyes…


I wondered if this section should be set off with quotation marks (as if someone speaking to the walker) or perhaps in italics (if he's thinking to himself).

I think there are other places that could be tightened up. For instance, "Even in this kind of weather your totem animal would find its way—/Maybe you should learn to listen more, and be less quick to speak" could become "Your totem animal would find its way by listening more, and speaking less."

"Focus on your way ahead, attune your other senses to your way" -- the last three words could be eliminated.

On the other hand, I know that your style is to write longer lines than I do, so it may be more about personal preference than anything else.

Oh, and btw....
I LOVE the last line!

[Pendragon]

I've been thinking about this one since you posted it, Pen. It's a wonderful piece of work.... I agree with Fifth, I think it could use a bit of editing to give it more punch....



Could you delete the words "that seem" from the second last line above? How about "Ducking branches that appear out of the mist like arms" (Oh, and the word "branches" needs an "n".... :p)



I wondered if this section should be set off with quotation marks (as if someone speaking to the walker) or perhaps in italics (if he's thinking to himself).

On the other hand, I know that your style is to write longer lines than I do, so it may be more about personal preference than anything else.

Oh, and btw....
I LOVE the last line!Thank you for the advice, and I have made some minor changes. For one important reason that I am glad to see that the poem was good enough that no one has commented on it as of yet, I cannot rearrage the lines. When I wrote this poem, I was depressed out of my head. That is when I tend to go Native, mentally, anyway, and think about the years I spent hiking the hundreds of miles of trails that run through this area and trying to find myself. I've been caught in the fog on mountains before, and I know my mountains, People have died out there. There are rules to follow for survival.

Anyway, I appreciate the tips, they look good in the poem.

Pen

[Sweets America]

Great poem!!! To me, it can be read as an image of life in general, and how to experience life. The image of the path can be representative of life, I think. Each life seems peculiar, and each life actually is peculiar, but in the meantime, we share so many experiences and feelings with other human beings. This is why we can relate to one another, because the different paths we walk on have many crossroads where we meet other people and share experiences.
In your poem, I like the idea and advice of being aware of what surrounds us, even though we think we know our way. Because being aware of our surroundings as well as putting our selves aside to listen and look around can make us discover new things. I like the idea that whenever we think that our life is confined into some kind of box to which we know every corner, a new event might always come unexpectedly.
In a way, your poem also conveys the idea of not being scared and trusting life. Walking on the path, keeping walking despite the darkness around, and being confident that the path will lead us to some peaceful place.