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View Full Version : A man in an alien land thinks back...



formality hater
08-22-2007, 07:46 AM
All the memories he held so close,
Could feel them squirming in his soul,

A little rose garden,apple trees,
Fluttering butterflies,humming bees,
A crackling laughter echoing within,
A festive,merry making eve,
With his siblings,he too smiled and joked,
Those carefree days,he had cherished the most,

And every those cold and sizzling nights,
When the murky sky showed hazy clouds,
And he felt shivering through his spine,
But then warmth would come amazingly,
A tender feeling would run through his hair,
And he would sleep as never before,
His mother would hum and he would rest,
Until the sun would rise to its zest,

When the life had shown little colour,
And he felt himself breaking down,
A hand had patted him with love,
To show him a path with glistening colours,
His father had taught him a way to live,
And held him close through all those years,

And now in the land of alien-tongues,
He watches the families huddled together,
He feels his heart thumping hard,
And cries with very obscure tears.
.................................................. ......
Eagerly waiting for your comments and suggestions!:)

chasestalling
08-22-2007, 02:56 PM
formality hater: i hate to do say this as i'm going to object to the form of the poem. the sentence lacks modulation. it's at an even pitch, when a sentence that long ought to crescendo at some point.

formality hater
08-23-2007, 07:22 AM
formality hater: i hate to do say this as i'm going to object to the form of the poem. the sentence lacks modulation. it's at an even pitch, when a sentence that long ought to crescendo at some point.


You are right chasestalling!I posted it just to know whether I have improved or not.I wrote this poem when I started writing,so it can obviously be bad!

chasestalling
08-23-2007, 10:38 AM
formality hater: thanx for the pat on the back; i needed that.